THE ONE

28. AWAKE

"Mommy, mommy! He's awake!"

I realize that I have a headache, because my sister's voice makes me want to scream at her for being so loud.

"Keep it down, baby. Jason, we've been worried sick about you.", mom says very sincerely.

"What happened? I can't remember anything right now.", I hear myself say.

"We don't have to talk about that right now. I have to go to the nurse, so she can check up on you. Be right here in a minute.", mom says as she's already halfway through the door of my hospital room.

"Tally, will you please tell me what happened?"

I see Tally's shoulders shrink and her eyes looking down, her face being covered by the hair that has fallen in front of it.

"I ... can't ...", I hear her talk between the sniffs. Is she crying? Well, that's a stupid question.

"Why are you crying, sis? Talk to me."

"I can't ... say it. I'm ... sorry."

I see her racing through the door. I just hope she calms down quickly. What's wrong? Why am I here?

My mom walks in with the company of nurse. "Look who's awake. How are you feeling?", she says with a caring voice. I like her already.

"I don't remember anything and my head hurts in the way I feel like I'm hungover."

The nurse left out a little smile and said: "Well, at least you kept your humour. Nothing's strange about the fact that you lost your memory. It will come back to you. You've survived quite a hard shock."

"What was the shock?" As soon as I say it, mom's face quickly turns into a frown. "Don't worry about that right now, sweetie. It will come to you. And I'll be there once it does."

"Something terrible must've happened and you're not telling me. Tally started crying, you're frowning. Mom, for god's sake! Just tell me, I can take it."

That's when the nurse once again started talking: "Calm down. You can't stress right now. It's not good for your health."

"I need to know. Please, mom."

A tear slipped down my mom's face.

"Swallow that pill, it will keep you calm.", the nurse said.

"I DON'T WANT TO CALM DOWN! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! PLEASE, SOMEBODY JUST TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME!", I shook my mom's hand and started crying. I don't even know why, I just felt like it.

That's when I felt a pinch by a needle the nurse send to my bottom. I couldn't remember her moving there. I begged my mom to tell me and let darkness take over again, still holding a hand of a person who went through so much for me and my entire family.

When I wake up, the room is dark. I wanted to check my phone but realized it was not on the cupboard. Why wouldn't my mom bring it to the hospital with me? I just wanted to check the time.

But if that's not the case, I'll just take a quick shower and head to sleep without being forced into it.

The birds are singing and I hear the nurse walking towards the window. She lets light in. Too much of it, really.

"Ugh, pleaseeeee! Let me sleeeep!", I say awfully annoyed with her.

"It's time for your morning medication, young man."

It's the time I see pills that I finally remember.

"She's dead, isn't she?", I ask.

"Do you remember now?", she replies.

"Yes, I remember the phone. And the texts. And her being dead ...", I sniff. "And it's all my fault! I should be there for her! Why wasn't I there for her?! Oh, why? WHY, GOD, WHY?!"

I let pain inside. The kind of pain I haven't felt since Lorelay left me. The kind of pain that overcomes my whole being. And I let it out.

I feel the nurse touch my hand with hers. "Just let it out. It's a lot to take in."

"Can I ... get my phone now?"

"I guess I can give it to you now. Let your girlfriend know that you're okay."

She hands me the phone. I open it and there they are - her final texts; her final words. They are meant only for me. I was the last person she wrote to and I wasn't there for her. And "I love you"? I just hope she meant brotherly love. But I will never know, will I? But there's still a small piece of hope in me so I write her a text saying: "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I should've been there for you. If you're alive, please don't play the mad game now and write me back. You can go back to hating me afterwards. Just be okay. Oh, please. Be okay. Write back to me."

I wait.

5 minutes pass.

15 minutes pass.

30 minutes pass.

An hour passes.

It's official. She's dead. And god, I don't even have phone numbers from her parents. What kind of a shitty person am I? I start to shake and feel another panic attack rushing in. Oh, why wasn't it me? I should die. Oh, please let me die. I need to see her again; even if it's only for a second. Oh, please. I don't even know why I'm praying to God but I am. And with my fingers clutched together and tears dropping on my pillow, I fall asleep.