THE ONE

29. A CIGARETTE

The nurse's voice wakes me up once again. I don't remember it at first, but as soon as I do, it hits like a thousand waves one after another, leaving me no space to breathe. I'm going to drown soon enough. And carrying the quilt is almost as hurtful as her not being here anymore. But I got to face reality. I have to call Jaclyn. I haven't spoken to her since I'm in the hospital. But of course, I have to take my morning pills first, so I don't go crazy.

I call her and by the end of the phone call she's angry at me for not saying anything to her about Sophie. She sounded jealous, but that was truly not the time to deal with this too. And I hung up on her because losing both your best friend and your girl would hurt too much. It's also true that if I lost both, I could kill myself without people missing me. But now that I know the taste of quilt, I could never let them carry it for their whole life. I'd rather stay miserable than let them miserable. It's a strange perspective but what can I do? I've always put other people's needs in front of my own. I have so much love inside of me and I don't know where to put it down. It's exhausting to feel everything so deeply. And my girl better chill or we won't even last a month. I need her support right now. How can she be so selfish? I get that her ex cheated on her very openly, but even if I did it would not make any change now, would it? She's dead either way.

I pinch myself so I truly know if this is not just another nightmare. I've been having those for about 3 years now. But unfortunately there isn't enough pain to get me out of this one. My life became a nightmare which I have to wake up to every single day, over and over again. I stand up and walk towards the white sink which is on the other side of the room, since I get to have the bed beside the window. I look at my face in the mirror which is showing my tired face. What happened to my smile? It's been replaced by a frown and there's a whole lot of black circles under my eyes made by nightmares which became more common when Sophie died. I keep dreaming about her pale face, calling for my help. 

The most vivid dream was the one in which she's standing on the top of the building where she liked to smoke, because the smoke clouds could easily escape her. She said she's letting them free although she never can be, chained by herself in her mind. In the dreams, her feet are walking upon the edge of the building and her arms are wide open. We're talking normally and I'm not at all worried about her falling down because she used to do that so many times I got used to it. The smoke clouds are escaping her as she stops and throws the cigarettes she's been smoking on the ground. She steps on it and says: "That's the way life is treating me; I'm being stepped on. Even though flowers are being stepped on and they still grow, I don't know if I can do that anymore. It hurts too much to keep looking for light and always finding just a dash of it. And I know that flowers keep growing towards the sunlight and fight better so the other flowers don't conquer them. But that's not the case with me. I'm fighting less and less and I'm scared because I haven't found the sun for quite some time now. I think there's nothing to fight for anymore. You walked away too and you were my only light. I know that Daniel is here for me too, but it's not the same. You were my light. And I was yours till you found her and completely forgotten about my feelings. So I guess this is the end; I refuse to fight in the darkness now there is no light to guide me through it." She looks at me and I see a tear, running from her eye. I've been sitting this whole time and I still don't stand up as she uses her foot to push the cigarette from the edge. I bet she's standing there, looking at the cigarette falling towards the ground, but no longer seeing it. "Remember when you tried smoking one? Firstly, you enjoyed the taste of it poising your lungs, because it made you feel alive for a second. Then you stepped on it, so there was no more light in it. And lastly, you pushed it from your point of view because the cigarette was no longer convenient for you. You were done with it. I guess I was your cigarette. So now, I'm my own cigarette too." And with those deep words, she jumped.

And I keep looking myself in the mirror, reminding myself that I could save her but I just expected her not to actually jump. And I see tears escaping from my eyes. I bet I'm going crazy, because I hear her voice. She's laughing with that genuine smile that I loved so much. I think it's coming from the hallway. I follow the voice down the hallway and I run into the nurse.

"Jason, what's wrong? Where are you going?"

"I HEAR HER LAUGHING. I HEAR HER.", I almost scream with a huge smile on my face, but my face is wet from tears I shed just a moment ago.

The nurse pulls me into the hug. "Jason, she's not alive anymore. Let me take you to your room."

"Just listen. I hear her.", I push her away. Suddenly the voice stops and everything is as it always is; nurses walking up and down the hallway, teenagers talking in the TV room and saying how everything sucks and the sound of pills being dropped on the floor.

"I can't hear her, Jason. It's okay. You lost your best friend. It's normal hearing her voice. I need to give you some extra pills."

I listened closely if her laugh would come to life again, but it didn't. I let myself being taken to my room and swallow some pills which put me back to sleep again. I can't believe I ended up being at the psychiatric department and hearing voices of my dead best friend.

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People, send my feedback if you're actually reading this story on here. It's kind of pointless for me to update it if nobody's reading it. I'm deciding of deleting it. 

Thank you:)