Loneliness| s.reid

22

Clare's POV
(1 Month Later)

I was running late. I had stopped to grab coffee for everyone on the team and that had made me late. I hated being late, especially when Hotch called us in for a team meeting. I knew the last time there was a meeting Emily came back and before that Jason Gideon left the BAU.

"I'm so so so sorry!" I rambled on while setting coffee infront of each of my teammates. They all seemed pretty calm, maybe this was just Hotch sending out an text. Maybe it was just a case file.

"Clare," Hotch said to me and my head snapped up, my hand slowing as I sat down next to Spencer. "Thank you." I hated when he used a long dramatic pause like that. It scared me. I sighed and gave him a nod. Then Spencer tapped my hand with his pen, I smiled.

"Hotch man what's going on?" Derek asked the question that we had all been asking. Hotch sighed and fiddled his pen in his hand. A habit I didn't see him ever do. It was a nervous tick that he didn't show, if ever he chewed on the inside of his cheek.

"I'm sorry if I scared anyone but I needed this to be discussed by the team, not just by a few." His eyes then wondered between JJ and Emily. I bit my lip. "There's going to be fund cuts in the BAU." My break got caught in my throat again.

"This is one of those stupid things they do every year where they ask every agent if they want I stay with their unit and if every agent doesn't say yes then the unit is disbanded?" Derek practically hissed out. I nearly flinched at his tone. My face dropping at the idea of losing my team.

"They can't just make us leave each other." I mumbled and Spencer tied to place a hand on my back. I flinched away, okay so being dropped off on the front door steps of a Church, being unwanted, left me with deep rooted abandonment issues. Then I stood up. "They- they, don't they understand that this- this is a family? They're tearing that apart?" I hissed out and I saw tears in Garcias eyes. But she seemed to be the only one who cared.

"Clare!" Derek yelled out to be as I stormed out of the room, but he didn't follow me as I ran to my desk. No one in the room looked up at me as I sunk under my desk with my knees to my chest.

Okay maybe I was being a bit dramatic. Sure I wanted all of the people in that room to grow and flourish in their lives, but I didn't want to lose them. Sure I knew I was acting this way because I was afraid of being left, afraid that no matter what I do I will never be good enough.

I was afraid to loose Rossi. Rossi who had us all over to his mansion to cool and even if he didn't like the idea I knew he loved the actual event. Rossi who made great jokes and was more sarcastic than anything I could even think.

I was afraid of loosing Emily. Emily who protected Derek when I couldn't. Emily who took me under her wing making sure I could shoot a gun after the incident. Emily who took me to dinner with the other girls.

I was afraid to lose Hotch. Hotch who seemed to cold but at the mention of his son his face lights up like a Christmas tree. Hotch who seems cold but is actually very nice. Hotch who brought me to this team despite my objection.

I was afraid to lose JJ. JJ who although seemed to close to Spencer for my first likening but now was like a sister. JJ who's son would become Spencer and Gracias if anything happened to her and Will. JJ who had asked me to be a bridesmaid at her renewal vows.

I was afraid to lose Derek. Derek who was my big brother. Derek who was my rock no matter what, even if he was a bit hot headed. Derek who always made sure I was okay even if it meant putting himself in danger.

I was afraid to lose Garcia. Garcia who was meant to be with my brother. Garcia who would do anything to get her team home ASAP. Garcia who had bought me many timings even if I told her no.

I was afraid to lose Spencer. Spencer who I didn't know worked with my brother. Spencer who had no matter the odds always seemed to make sure I was okay. Spencer who was my everything. Spencer who I loved.

I was afraid to lose my family.

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A/N

Okay maybe this isn't a date chapter but we needed some drama.... so drama.... sorry.

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