When It Mattered ✔️

P R O L O G U E

I just want to give out a huge thank you to DreamyMargo for inspiring me for this story. This book is definitely around because of her. Check out her book, 'The Boy Who Never Came Back'. If I do say so myself it's very inspiring! (And elegant as heck, it's why I decided to write my book format like this.)

P R O L O G U E
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"I want you to know that I did save you.
Not when it counted, of course. But after that. Every night after that.
I'd see it all again, do something different. Faster or more clever, you know?
Dozens of times, lots of different ways...
Every night I save you." - Joss Whedon, Spike - BTVS <3
~*~*~*~

I remember the last moment of high school --well, maybe not so much high school.

I remember my last moment of you.

Sure, it was hard saying goodbye to my friends, but even if they were flying across the world to attend university, I knew I had at least the summer with them. It was you that caused my eyes to swell up with stinging tears. Watching you laugh and joke with your friends, clearly excited to finally be rid of our small little town -it made me realize I most-likely wouldn't see you again.

You were beautiful. You knew it, of course. But there was more to you than the good looks. You had this light in you that shined brighter than anybody I ever knew, or will ever know. It was good. You were good. Everything about you was good.

Do you remember way back in ninth grade when you bumped into me accidentally and spilled all of my scalding hot chocolate on me? Do you remember how you stopped everything just to make sure I was okay? Even when I told you I was an uncountable amount of times, you just kept trying to fix everything. And before I left to go wash up, you gave me your hoodie straight off your back. You know, the one that you swore up and down was your good luck sweater and was the reason you won all of your games?

You didn't even know me and you gave it to me.

I still remember how the butterflies fluttered in my tummy for the first time for you that day.

Maybe it would seem strange to you that I'm reliving us two years after that last moment I saw you. But there's something I never told you and it's been eating away at me from the moment we broke each other's hearts. Back then I couldn't tell you; I was young and stupid and I didn't know what love meant. It was so new. So strange. You read about it and watch it but when it hits you, it seems so foreign and weird. Not to mention completely and utterly scary. You hear that love is like falling off a cliff, but until the moment it happens to you, you don't have the slightest clue. I was so in love with you and I didn't even know it. I just felt crazy. I just wanted you always. I just needed you with me that very second. Over me. Under me. On me. Beside me. Surrounding me. That's all I knew. You were my every thought, my every breath, my every wish. I loved you so completely I think I was lost in the madness of it all. It stole my breath constantly like a punch to the stomach. I was so young but so in love. My head and heart were in a whirlwind. People were telling me I didn't know the meaning of love at my age, that 15-years-old is but a speck of time and that I would forget it all when I was finally truly in love.

But that's the thing. It's been years since you've touched me and yet I can still feel the memory of you. It's like a candle is held just close enough to my skin to feel the slight warmth emitting from it but not warm enough for me to bask in it. Does that make sense? It's like a teasing warmth thats too dim to actually warm your frozen body, no matter how much you try. That wasn't any better, was it? Forget it. The point is, I can remember your touch. You're a ghost haunting me but only my subconscious can feel you. It's not enough.

They were all wrong. Here I am, 20-years-old and I have yet to find that 'true first love' they were talking about. Sure, I've loved others since you, but not like I loved you. You consumed me and burned me and lit me all at the same time. You were that true first love.

But I'm getting off track. My point was I didn't say it back because I was scared. I heard everyone's voices in my head telling me that I couldn't possibly be in love and I listened to them. I wish I hadn't. But I did.

You thought I didn't love you and I couldn't correct you. I didn't know what love was. I felt it, but how would I know for sure? It's such a tricky thing. You hear that lust is often confused for love and you begin to have doubts. By the time I had realized that maybe what I was feeling really was the real thing, you were gone and I was too dignified to chase after you. I was too scared that maybe you didn't love me anymore. That if I said something you'd laugh in my face and break my heart. I didn't want my heart to break.

Ridiculous, isn't it? There I was, trying to shield my heart from you, but you had already ripped it apart from the inside out. All I had to do was find you and tell you those three stupid little words. That one damning sentence that would have made everything better. All I needed to say was 'I love you, you fool'. I said it enough times in my head for the years to pass. I said it every time I caught your eye. I said it every time I thought of you. I screamed it every day until it hurt. But never out loud. Never when it truly mattered. When you wanted me and needed me and loved me. I didn't say it then and I should have.