When It Mattered ✔️

S I X T E E N

S I X T E E N
~*~*~*~
"I'm running out of ways to make you see, I want you to stay here beside me.
I won't be okay and I won't pretend I am. So just tell me today and take my hand."

"Just say yes. Just say there's nothing holding you back"
— Snow Patrol, Just Say Yes
~*~*~*~

A week. That was how long Ethan had been missing from my life. He just upped and left after that Brodie incident. And finally for the first time since, I had nothing left to do but think about how much I found myself missing him.

My building was still suspicious of everyone being the writer, but after I admitted my flaws to them all, everyone was a suspect. It took some of the pressure off since they still believed it couldn't be me. Probably due to that time I was upset over Ethan and they showed me my own column and I 'cried from how touched I'd been'. I had to say, it was a pretty good excuse.

I rested my head back onto my wall, remembering that last night with him. It seemed so ridiculous. It all should have ended four years ago. Yet, we had barely even seen each other and that thing between us was still so intoxicating to say the least. Electrifying. Just one look from him and I had been shocked to the core.

"Hey," Raven came in, her hands full of grocery bags. "I know you wanted to be alone to finally lose your shit," she exhaled, plopping down on my bed, "but I'm not leaving you alone. I'm sitting right here and we're going to cry together, okay?" Her grey eyes pierced mine and it was nice knowing somebody cared. It was just nice knowing somebody was there.

She crawled over beside me, resting her head on my shoulder. "I bought you some Rolo ice-cream." She tossed one of the bags into my hand. "Eat it and let it warm your soul with its magical powers of love with its cold deliciousness."

Opening the little box, Raven stuck a spoon in the chocolate swirls, nudging me to take a bite.

"I don't understand, Raven." I said slowly instead, putting the ice-cream in her hand since I wasn't feeling very hungry. "Why was he so... ashamed?" My voice was quiet, remembering vividly the way his blue eyes looked horrified.

Raven shook her head, taking a bite of the chocolate ice-cream. "I don't know, Gracie. But isn't that expected?" She asked with a frown of concentration on her face. "You guys jumped into this thing as if you were the same young and in-love kids. You might have meant to get to it eventually, but neither of you took the time to learn about each other. The way you are now."

"I don't even have his number," I realized. "How stupid." My head shook.

But it didn't matter how dumb it was, my entire body still missed him. I just wanted him. Even possibly needed him. It didn't make sense. What happened to being so set on keeping us apart? The more time I seemed to spend with him, the more I forgot why that was.

I brought my knees up, resting my head on them. "Why do I feel this way?" I mumbled, closing my eyes defeatedly. "It hurts without him, Raven. It all just hurts."

Her arm wrapped around me, squeezing my shoulder comfortingly. "I wish I could tell you, little brat. Unfortunately, despite my godly like presence, I'm not all-knowing." She teased gently, resting her head back on my arm.

I squeezed my eyes tightly, refusing any more tears to fall over him. "Do you think he..." I hesitated, I knew the answer. But I still wanted hope. Even if it was fake. "Do you think he will come back?"

She paused before answering, "I think seeing you with Brodie... I don't really know what happened. He was very conflicted. But none of the emotions he'd been confused over seemed to be... I don't know -good, I guess." Raven finished lamely. "It hurt him. Seeing you with another guy."

"So, no." I answered for her. I knew as much. But we'd been defying the odds for a while now. Why did it have to be this time that the odds were right?

"I'm not sure, Gracie. He was really conflicted."

I opened my eyes, finding the ice-cream already sitting in front of me as I reached for a bite. As delicious as it was, even it couldn't make the hurt go away.

"I think when he saw you with Brodie, it finally made it clear to him that you weren't his. That you didn't belong to him-- or something equally as sexist that only men think of when it comes to the woman they have ever loved." She waved it off, sticking her finger into the melting treat and popping it into her mouth.

I wanted to go to him. My heart was breaking and as much as I hated him for it, all I wanted was him to come and try to heal it. It didn't even need to heal... He just had to try. I didn't care anymore. F*ck our past if he was here. I would get over it. I just needed him with me.

"Oh, Gracie!" Raven grabbed me just as my chest begun to shake from the sudden realization.

"I f*cked it all up, Raven." I quietly cried into her neck, "I should have just let go of it all. It doesn't matter anymore. Why couldn't I see that?"

"Because it does matter, Gracie. You've been hiding this pain for years. Him showing up, it just -I don't know- brought it out into the open. It hurt you. It still hurts you." She suggested, rubbing my back gently, "I think you thought that if Ethan wasn't there, you could hide it again and forget it."

"It didn't work." I sniffled dryly, pulling away from Ravens comforting embrace.

She shook her head, "do you want to hear my opinion?" Her grey eyes searched mine as I nodded, "I think you have two choices. You can never ever see him again and eventually you will hide that pain away again. Or, you need to heal it. But I think you need Ethan's help with that." She smiled sympathetically.

"And if Ethan-"

Ravens ringtone interrupted my question as she shot me an apologetic look. Her eyebrows furrowed as she looked at the number, confusion written across her face.

"Are you going to answer it?" I chuckled quietly as Raven continued to peer at it with suspicion.

"I don't know..." She said slowly, her eyes narrowed, "the number looks so familiar, but I'm not sure. I would have saved it if it was important." Raven shrugged, letting it ring on.

"Maybe they will leave a message?" Exhaling loudly, I scooped up another bite of ice-cream and savoured the sweetness in my mouth.

But it just kept ringing. Persistent bugger whoever it was.

"Okay, what the hell do you want and who the hell are you?" Raven growled into the phone mercilessly. Her face changed into an annoyed expression. "Yeah, she's here." She handed the phone to me with a small smile and head shake. "Consider the odds still breakable."

"Ethan?" My heart was aching in my chest as I clutched onto the iPhone. If it wasn't him I was sure I was going to die.

"Gracie... Come outside."