When It Mattered ✔️

N I N E

N I N E
~*~*~*~
"I guess that's what saying good-bye is always like--like jumping off an edge. The worst part is making the choice to do it. Once you're in the air, there's nothing you can do but let go."
― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall
~*~*~*~

There's not much to dull the ache of your heart. Not when it's truly and completely destroyed. You may drink and intoxicate yourself to oblivion, but don't kid yourself. That hurt will still be there when you wake up --even worse than before since you had forgotten about it for a little while.

Face your pain. Let it wash over you and spread through you and devour you. Don't try to ease it. Be in it. Get used to it. Live with it.

Eventually, maybe you'll wake up and find that for the first time since you've shattered, you can feel your heart stringing back together again. Or feel the strong beat of your heart where the once weak thuds were. Maybe you'll even smile.

We run from pain. We have only known the sting to be a warning to our brain telling us to quickly get away. But maybe by taking it so literally by running from the actual pain, we are missing this important lesson our brain and heart are trying to tell us. Maybe instead of trying to dull the pain, we need to instead bask in it. Make our bodies aware of how hurtful the heartbreaking situation was. Maybe by doing that, we won't be so inclined to forgive and forget.

I'm sure you've heard it before; forgive but never forget. And I think even though we tell ourselves that there's no way we could ever forget the pain, we do. Maybe not completely. But I think we forget a lot of it. We seal it up in a box in our heart and never open it again... until the moment we find ourselves in the same situation, with the same people, and even using the same words. Suddenly you feel it all. All of that hurt you swore you'd never forget? It knocks you breathless. You remembered nothing.

So maybe, next time you're falling apart in pain, remember it. Hold that memory as dear to you as you hold your childhood memories. Maybe it will save you from future heart breaks down the line.

But I'm no expert on this pain thing. I've had my fair share of heartaches and most of them were with the same blue eyed fool. Maybe I'm just hoping for different results by using a new method. After all, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." Or so says Einstein. But what does he know? (besides everything)

March on fear fighters,
A birds little friend 🐥

~*~*~*~

"I didn't even have to give you a speech this time," Raven nudged me, holding the rough copy of my next article in her hand before placing it back in my writing journal.

"Still. I couldn't have written it without you forcing me to confront Ethan," I chuckled softly, feeling the sting of pain in my heart as I mentioned him, "admit it, without you, I would still be..." My words hesitated in my mouth as I tried to imagine where I'd be, "I would probably just be a college drop out by now." It seemed close enough to the truth.

"True enough. First year you cheated off of me so bad in psychology." Raven giggled, "then again, I would be worse off than you. Remember when I almost got caught in the bathroom with Dave's huge bag of marijuana by the zoo night patrol?" She smirked, "you busted out of the washroom and started stumbling around acting like a drunk idiot shouting at the animals to come out. Weren't you banned from the zoo for life?"

"I still miss those lion cubs. I bet they are all grown up and beautiful now." I sighed, answering her question wordlessly as she laughed.

Raven sprawled across the bed to reach the mini-fridge, "We'll sneak in again at night." She told me through her chewing of the leftover sandwich from lunch I made for her.

"But Raven," I pouted, "the animals don't sleep in their exhibits!" I got up with a stretch, feeling the ache in every single bone, muscle and limb.

Even my badly beaten heart. I just wanted to lie down on the floor and stay there until it no longer hurt when beating.

"Hey, are you going out with Marcus tonight?" I asked, sitting back down on the bed and pulling a pillow into my lap as I cuddled it tightly -trying to squeeze always the pain.

Yes. I was mostly a hypocrite. Who wanted to wallow in their pain? It f*cking hurt. Give me a glass of whiskey over this any day.

However, that time I really was trying hard to stand by my word. Thus I was not intoxicated that fine Saturday night almost a week after I went to Ethan's place. But just because I was oh so obviously relishing in the pain didn't mean I had to cry and be depressed. Maybe I should add that to my thingamajig so no one thinks I'm condoning or promoting depression.

Raven grimaced, "Yeah, but I can stay in again tonight." She offered. She had been feeling guilty since that night with Ethan. Trying to make it up to me by being abnormally kind and easy on me.

Never thought I would say it, but I kind of missed her hard ass ways.

"Stop it," I threw the pillow shaped heart at her, "you've been ditching that poor boy all week because of me. Go give him some loving, the guy deserves it after putting up with you."

Raven didn't have a boyfriend. But she did have quite a few suitors she liked to keep company with. It was actually kind of sad. All of the guys seemed to really like her --the kind of like that made them all want to take her home to meet their mama's. Marcus was definitely my favourite out of the bunch. But unfortunately for his unprepared little heart, Raven has never been and will probably never be, the kind to settle down. She wanted to travel around the world and cover almost every inch of her body in meaningful and meaningless ink while trying to be one with the gods spiritually. In other words she was crazy. But in the best way.

"Are you sure...? I mean I-"

"Go, little brat," I jumped over to her bed, which was covered in Indian styled pillows, and whipped them at her until she was backing up to the door in an attempt to avoid getting hit. "Go, go, go!" I smiled as she slipped out the door, flipping me the bird before shutting the door.

Great. Now I could get back to wallowing with sad movies and leftover food. Feel the pain, Gracie. Be in it. Let it wash over you and spread through you and devour you. Live with it.

Seriously. Why did people even listen to me? I was such a bullshitter.

~*~*~*~

"Gracieeee, are you awake?" I heard a pounding at the door to accomplice the yelling as I rolled over and flipped on my light.

"I am now." I grumbled to myself sleepily as I opened my door, revealing a tall black haired girl with glasses dressed in a black mini dress. "What's up, Myra?" I yawned.

She giggled drunkenly, "You're so cute." She bopped my nose, making me scrunch my face up. "Come with me, okay?" Her hand heavily rested on my shoulder as she stumbled backwards, pulling me with her into the hall.

With a head shake, I decided to go along with it, padding down the long hallway in my pyjama shorts and t-shirt. She dragged me along towards hers and Sophia's room, shushing me occasionally if I'd do this thing called breathe that humans seemed to do when they were alive. She was funny. I felt like I was thirteen and sneaking out of my friends house for the first time.

Well. She was funny. Before she opened her door. Then I thought she was the devil in disguise and I wanted to die and go up to heaven so I could escape the personal hell she was trying very hard to force me into.

"Gracie!"

"Ethan."