When It Mattered ✔️

F O U R

F O U R
~*~*~*~
"I watched you as you left but I can never seem to let you go
'Cause once upon a time you were my everything
It's clear to see that time hasn't changed a thing
It's buried deep inside me but I feel there's something you should know
I'll never forget you"
— Zara Larson, Never Forget You
~*~*~*~

"I want to see you again." Ethan kept his hardened blue eyes glued to the road even though we had come to a stop at a red light.

I wanted to see him again too. I really really did. But I also didn't want to feel this pain in my heart anymore. If all those years apart couldn't heal it fully, I certainly couldn't expect to just ignore it while being with the person who caused it. Life didn't work like that. It sucked completely, but as terribly corny as it is, sometimes the ones you want the most aren't the ones you need.

"Turn right at the sign. My dorm is that building." I pointed to the taller building over the gas stops and small shopping centre, ignoring his confession completely.

He huffed, clearly irritated by my unresponsiveness. "Gracie, can you stop ignoring me? Just say no if you don't want to f*cking see me again." His strong jaw once again clenched as he showed how much it mattered to him. He exhaled loudly, mumbling sorry as he turned into the university campus.

I knew I should have. I should have just told him the truth... Or something close to the truth that wasn't so soul revealing. But the words were lodged in my throat, refusing to come out. I wanted to see him again. Dammit, it felt like I would never be able to breathe again if I didn't see him. But that's exactly why I should have said no. I didn't know what this was between us, but I wasn't her anymore. That young innocent kid or even the troublesome girl that thought she knew everything. I was older. I was blemished. I was different. I was not her.

Just like he wasn't him?

"We're here," Ethan broke my train of thought, taking my hand softly into his larger rougher around the edges one. "I don't know where your head is at --somewhere deep I suppose." He hesitated, biting his bottom lip unsurely, "I don't know, Gracie." He said as if it was some brilliant mind changing answer.

I scowled confusedly, about to speak but he quickly held his warm finger over my lips just as they parted.

"I know there are an uncountable amount of reasons why we should never see each other again. But I just..." He scowled, trying to come up with the words as he shut his beautiful sad blue eyes. "I don't know. That's the point. I don't know why I'm willing to feel how much you broke my f*cking heart every minute we're together just so I can be with you. It's not logical. But I am. I would sit through a hundred of these horrible drives just to be with you." He breathed, opening his blue dazzling eyes as my heart pounded violently in my chest from his words, "I know we aren't the same people we once were, Gracie. But I want to know you --the person you are now." He lets my hand go. "I don't have a reason why. I just do. It might be wrong-" his face shaded over in darkness, "-but God. Gracie. I don't care. Or know. Or anything, f*ck!" He hit the steering wheel, running his hand down his face as he exhaled. "F*ck." He cursed quieter, shaking his head, "I should go. This was a bad idea."

I couldn't. I just. I couldn't see him go. I couldn't not see him again. I didn't know why either. But my whole entire body begged me to not let him go this time - to screw my dignity and fears. But it felt so wrong.

"I don't want to sound mean, Gracie-" He tiredly said, avoiding looking at me once again, "but I need you to get out of my truck."

"I-I don't understand." I found myself speaking quietly. "Not about getting out of your truck but... But this." I frowned. "Why are you back, Ethan?"