When It Mattered ✔️

T E N

T E N
~*~*~*~
"You're torn between wanting to be closer and wanting to push me away," he said. "So I vote for closer. I'll always vote for closer."
― Martina Boone, Persuasion
~*~*~*~

He stood big and tall by the tiny window, leaning against the wall lazily enough I thought he would fall. I could tell from one glance that he was pissed drunk. The reeking stench of alcohol rolling off of him in waves was proof enough without adding the half drunk whiskey bottle in his hand.

"I miss you, Gracie. I miss you so much." He slurred, his blue eyes so dark and unfocused I was worried.

Exhaling my pride away, I took Ethan by the hand and led him back to my room while Myra passed out on her bed like a switch had been flipped.

Even with him being so wasted, the touch of his hand on mine was like electricity lighting up my entire sad and tired body. 

"I miss you. I miss holding you." Ethan kept mumbling, his face buried in my hair as he walked directly behind me, wrapping his muscular arms around my shoulders, making me stumble annoyedly.

"Come on, drunky," I huffed, using all of what little strength I had to pull him into my room and sit him on my bed. "Can I see your phone?" Asking, I took the bottle out of his hand and placed it on the windowsill.

I needed to call Carter. He had to come pick this guy up before he started saying thing only people who've drunk enough said --and I started to believe it.

"Why won't you listen to me," he suddenly grabbed my arms, pinning me down on the bed under his brute strength. "I just want you, Gracie. I have never wanted anyone as bad." He slurred out, his blue eyes falling heatedly down my body before flashing back up to my eyes with overpowering lust in them.

I knew it was Ethan. And I knew he wouldn't hurt me even as drunk and horny as he was now. But all I could picture was that guy. That guy reeking of the same drink as Ethan. That guy looking at me with the same hungry look. The guy who locked me in his arms as he tried to hurt me. He had to get off of me. Now.

"Get off. Please." I panicked, trying not to get upset with no avail as frightened tears sprung to my eyes, reliving that helplessness over again. "Get off, Ethan!"

He released me right away, looking completely rattled as I brought my knees up to my chin and breathed in deeply. Even as intoxicated as he was I saw that moment of mortified realization ding in his blue cloudy eyes.

"I wouldn't," he shook his head ferociously, trying to voice the right words, "I would never."

"I know you wouldn't." I breathed, gathering my brain again. "Why did you come here?" I leaned back into the wall against my bed, suddenly overwhelmingly tired.

He frowned, "I had to see you, Gracie." He sat beside me, keeping some distance between us. He also seemed to have sobered up a small amount.

"Why?" I whispered into the still night, closing my eyes.

"You've been everywhere and nowhere. I just..."

Those same failing words. It was always the same. I just... What? You just what? I just what? What was this?

I opened my eyes to see him already looking back at me. His every-blue-colour-in-the-world eyes that had been haunting me ever since day one of his comeback. Why? Why did I still think about him? Why was he still stuck in my brain like a nail stuck too far in wood? Just always there. Making everything uglier no matter how much paint you covered it with.

Why couldn't I just pull him out?

"I can't stop thinking of you," he said under his breath, almost too quietly for me to have heard. Almost. He picked up my hand gently, playing with my fingers with his. "I hated how we left things." He confessed, keeping his eyes locked on our hands. "You felt so far away and f*ck, I hate seeing you cry. It drove me mad not being able to comfort you."

"I don't want to feel this anymore." I said, shaking my head, lost in my own thoughts. "I don't want to constantly relive having my heart broken by you." My voice choked out.

"I'm so sorry, love." He whispered, moving closer as I leaned my head on his broad shoulder, feeling my heart break once again. "I would take it all away if I could," he told me, placing his hand on my head comfortingly. "I would go back and take it all back."

I shut my eyes, feeling his soothing touch brush away bad moments. "We can't keep doing this, Ethan. You and me, we're just not-"

"No. Stop, Gracie." he interrupted me. "I don't want to hear it. Just let me stay with you tonight. I just want to hold you in my arms again. I... I need to feel you close to me. I can't take being miles away from you anymore. Please." He begged softly into my ear, his breath brushing along my skin. "All I will do is hold you. Nothing else. I promise. I just want to fall asleep with you safely in my arms."

I should have said no. But one night. I just wanted, more than anything, one night where we were us again.

I nodded, lifting my head off of his shoulder as I pushed my covers down and climbed into the tiny bed. He slipped in behind me, his arms surrounding me completely while we entangled our legs together -his leg between mine, hooked onto my leg, holding me wonderfully captive. His soft breath was against my ear rolling down my neck and my eyes were closed and everything felt perfect. His arms pulled me into him, pressing my back against his chest. His heart beating. Beating. Beating.

It was so familiar. Yet different. But lovely all the same.