Slightly Destroyed

prequel (edited)

(edited)
Rushing into the hospital still in my cheer uniform wasn't what I had planned.

But once I got the call that my mother was being rushed to the hospital I dropped everything and took off. I was an absolute wreck, this couldn't be happening. Not again, not after the first time.

Turning my head left, I see my father laying my mother down on a somewhat look alike stretcher.

There in front of me stood my four brothers.

"Dad" I call out, as my father yells at a few nurses

All my family members heads snap back to me, Mason and Cartier sigh with relief seeing me standing there.

I rush to Mason's side, wrapping my arms protectively around Nick's shoulder. Cartier was holding up Jacks who clearly wasn't understanding what was going on.

I pull Nick closer to me, not trusting myself to hold myself up.

"Dad?" Cartier calls. Just before dad disappeared behind the doors the doctors had taken mom through.

Dad looks back at us, fear in his eyes. I hated that look, the last time I saw that look my whole life turned upside down and I couldn't help but feel like it was about to turn upside down again.

"Tell mom we love her" Cartier says slowly. Dad nods before rushing away. Cartier was the only brave one to say it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Jones Family?" a nurse calls in the waiting room.

Mason, Cartier and I stand up. Nick and Jack's had fallen asleep draped over the very uncomfortable hospital seats.

"That's us" Cartier says as the nurses lands her eyes on us. I look for any signs of hope and relief but noticed the forced and tight lipped smile the young nurse gave us.

This could not be happening, not again. I couldn't endure this again. I couldn't endure another heartache again.

"I'm so very sorry, kids. Your mother died not to long ago" the young nurse says softly.

Those words made my heart stop, Lauren comes grabbing Cartier's hand. The nurse continues to talk but I couldn't hear or want to hear anything else that came out of her mouth.

I find myself numbingly walking away from my family and past the sliding doors of the hospital.

How was I supposed to move on from this when I had hardly started to get over what happened to Ryder.

It's not like I wasn't expecting this, mom had been sick for years but it didn't matter how long she had been sick no one should ever be ready to say goodbye to their mother.

The cold night air hits me and I wish I had brought a wind breaker with me but when I got the call I didn't think, I just headed into the car and drove.

I wrap my arms around myself as tears begin to stream down my cheeks. Feeling suddenly self conscious I cover my mouth with my hand before a loud son escapes my own lips.

I fall down to the ground, not caring if my knees get scraped on the concrete.

First I had to loose my twin brother and now my mother.

I knew life was never fair but how come mine had to be exceptionally worse from others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
They say when you loose someone you love you go through the fives stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and lastly Acceptance.

Whoever came up with that fuck off in my opinion. The amount of times people have told me about the five stages of grief after Ryder had died was unbelievable.

I never believed I was capable of all those stages because after Ryder I just felt numb, never angry, never depressed just numb.

It was a sad and hollow feeling, going through my days like I was a zombie but yet somehow I got up everyday. In the back of my mind I just knew I would always feel numb but this was a new kind of numb.

I stood with my brothers, our shoulders pressed up against each other. I was sweating in this heat and I knew my brothers were too but obviously didn't show it.

I had tuned out all the eulogies dad, Mason and Cartier had said. I couldn't find myself to say yet another eulogy, not after how hard it was for me to write Ryder's. It was hard enough to write his.

I let out a shaky sigh as I hoist Jacks higher up, he places his head onto my shoulder, his arms tightening around me as we walk up the hill behind the rest of our family carrying moms casket, towards Ryder.

I have had nightmares about this exact moment right here and I hated how my nightmares were becoming a reality, like most of my dreams have been.

I couldn't help but think that Jacks just didn't understand what was happening, he's so young that would he remember this. Walking up to our mother's grave.

I watch as they lower her and step beside me. Dad takes Jacks from me as Mason hands me a flower. The whole school and basically town had come to the service, it was expected being the principal and all. I had been ignoring all the empathetic and sad looks for the past weeks. I've actually grown tired of those looks, it's been like that for years since Ryder and since she had been diagnosed.

Quickly making eye contact with none of than Grayson who was taking off his sunglasses, my brothers were also wearing sunglasses.

I watch as Grayson's eyes quickly skim over my pale skin before turning to a boy on the football team.

Letting out a shaky sigh and twirling the flower in my hand. Here I was, back to standing in front of a six foot hole, ready to lower someone else I loved dearly.

How much more would I have to endure before the world finally destroys me to pieces. Little did I know, I may have just jinxed myself.

First published: March 23rd 2016
Edited: November 11th 2020