Save Me From My Self Destruction. (Frerard)

Chapter 13- All I Had To Give.

All I Had To Give-

Weeks went by with the occasional visits I had with Frank. However, I spent most of my time either cooped up in my room smoking weed all day, or I was with Zack and his friends. I had found my place in the world, I felt like I fit in with Zack and his friends. Like maybe the Earth was aligned just right as I smoked on the ground in a circle, goofing off with all of Zack's buddies.

But here I was, sat Indian style underneath my cracked open bedroom window with a pipe in my hand. Every hit I took was like falling in love over and over again, like everything was just right. For a second, I imagined this is the exact feeling Mikey got whenever he looked in Kristin's eyes. I wondered if Mikey felt that warm feeling growing inside of him, I wondered if he felt just as giddy as I did when I smoked when he held Kristin's hand. But more importantly, I wondered if Mikey was doing okay without me.

I've come to the conclusion that maybe I didn't really ruin Mikey's life, I just made it better. I could see that my over protective brother personality was suffocating him. Him departing from me was for the best, he's able to live his life how he wants. Mikey can love, hate, and discover new things and emotions all without me suffocating him. Sure, he has to live knowing that I'm a disappointment that just smokes, but if it improves his life then so be it.

As more hits, inhales, and exhales took place underneath my window I began to realize just how far I would go for Mikey. How I would 100% sacrifice whatever happiness I had for him. If losing him was the only way to make him happy, then I would do it without verbally complaining. I guess that's what being a brother is, and maybe I just started to be one.

My thoughts branched off to Frank. His slick black hair, his full luscious lips, his soft skin, and his lovely scent that I so wanted to bottle up and use on myself. Would I sacrifice my happiness for the only thing that makes me smile anymore? Would I lose Frank without a fight if it meant he could be happy? I wasn't so sure. I was such a selfish bastard nowadays and the thought of losing him made my chest hurt. I honestly don't think I could do it.

I finished up with my smoking and exhaled the last of it. I then hid my supplies where I hide everything else I wasn't supposed to have and placed some cigarettes in my pocket. I had the urge to go out and do so many things but I was motivated to do absolutely nothing at all.

I wanted to see Frank, I knew that for sure. However, I was unable to do so because I was high. I remembered Frank telling me to promise him I wouldn't be a pot head. It's a little too late for promises, I guess. It sucked to better the life of your brother but to disappoint your lover.

Lover. Did I love Frank? I guess I do. It drives me insane to know that I am such a shitty human being that I couldn't even keep a simple promise to the one person I loved the most. I've disappointed my parents, my brother, the facility staff, myself, and now the only source of non-drug happiness. Frank.

I slid some shoes on and walked out of my bedroom and down the facility stairs. Everyone was silent, as it was one of the only days it hasn't rained this week. Everyone was outside, being active and enjoying the sun. All while I was trapped inside, with my friends, a white bic lighter, pot, cigarettes, and disappointment.

All logical thought was out of my head as my high really started to set in. All of my thoughts spun and collapsed around me and I felt like everything was just off. As I walked outside the sun shined straight into my eyes, like the god that may be was flicking me off, middle finger right in my pupils. It burned and caused a headache similar to a fucking hang over. Somehow, I managed to function properly and move my way through the green grass outside.

I saw Mikey picking at grass, reading some book in the far left edge of the yard. I smiled a goofy grin and waltzed right on over to him. I claimed a spot next to him in the grass and soil and began to pick at the grass out of habit myself. I didn't say anything to him, I just watched him read his book as he pretended my presence was nonexistent.

Mikey was getting smart, tall, a handsome young man that is sure to amount to greater things outside of this facility. Outside of this community, even. His future was brighter than the asshole sun that blinded me on this very day. I could see, even with my vision being blurred and fucked up.

"Hey, Mikes." I grinned at him, leaning over slightly to read the words out of his book. I saw him glance over at me with a small roll of his eyes and a huff of his breath. Now, sober Gerard would have gotten the hint. Though, high Gerard thought that this was his way of greeting me in a new way.

"Where's Kristina? Kaitlin? Korrina? Where's what's her face?" I asked, sounding too nonchalant for bring her up. Mikey groaned, slammed his book shut, and literally glared at me. Oh boy, high Gerard sure did get this hint, though. "Her fucking name is Kristin, for Christ's sake." He said through gritted teeth, like he knew that I had just smoked pot in my upstairs bedroom.

I flinched at his tone and choice of words. Never have I ever heard Mikey swear or talk to me like he was now. He was absolutely furious and even with being high I could still tell. "Chill, man. Where is she?" I asked, laying in the grass on my back like everything was just fucking chipper. This seemed to piss him off even more, "For once Gerard, just fucking care about yourself and leave me alone."

I could feel tears building up and they burned the back of my throat. "I care," I said, trying to not make my voice crack. "You're obviously fucking high, tell me you care again. I hate you."

I got up, tears brimming my eyes and walked away. I walked down the sidewalk, then I started to run. My feet carried me at a rapid pace to his house. I didn't think I just ran, high out of my mind. 

When I got there I pounded the wooden door with my fist until he finally answered with a confused expression plastered on his face. He stood there, not saying a word as he studied my face and worked his eyesight down my body. Honestly, I felt slightly insecure but I also felt at ease knowing I was in his presence. 

"What the hell?" he whispered, staring into my eyes. He knew. Oh god, he knew. It hurt even worse to disappoint Frank, I could learn to live with Mikey, but not Frank. I didn't even bother to respond, I just hung my head in pure shame with those same tears brimming my eyes. 

"Get in here, you're fucking high." He took me by the arm and yanked me through his doorway. A sober me would compliment him on his looks, or tell him that I loved the scent of the lit Strawberry candles in the room. But I was so high, I sat on the floor and just stared at the wall. Hoping that maybe if I pretend, none of this would even be real. It would all just disappear. 

I expected him to yell, scream, cry, hell hit me or something. But instead, he took a seat next to me and stared at the same wall across from us. He stared at it like it was the most interesting thing ever and that he has never seen it before. 

"You promised," He sighed, and that was all he said before he excused himself and walked away.