Save Me From My Self Destruction. (Frerard)

Chapter 19- All Part Of An Elaborate Plan

All Part Of An Elaborate Plan.-

I honestly thought about relapsing even thought it's only been a few days time. But the thought of Frank dying made me go absolutely insane, I wanted to snort whatever I could get my hands on or smoke whatever I could get my hands on. Everything was building up and I felt like I was going to explode, my life was full shit and all I would ever amount to was shit. 

But I just couldn't do that, not only because I did promise I would get better, but because it was so fucking selfish of me as a healthy human being to willingly destroy myself when Frank had no choice but be destroyed by himself even though he didn't want to. I was taking advantage of my health, actually I was just treating my health like shit and never thought about all the people who are cursed with deadly diseases and such. But here I was, smoking another cigarette. I could give myself lung cancer. I could give myself such a deadly disease. 

I sat on my floor and inhaled the smoke slowly, my head throbbing as if I was hungover, even though I for sure was not. It was impossible for me to be hungover, as I had not picked up a can or bottle of anything in days. Truthfully, this was my first cigarette in awhile too and I couldn't help but feel like a guilty, sick, twisted, selfish son of a bitch. But yet, I watched the swirl designs of the smoke as it was released from the chamber that was in my mouth and into the humid atmosphere that was my room. 

Half way through my cigarette I groaned and smashed the lit stick against my floor, permanently burning a perfect black hole into the flooring. I left the cigarette in the exact position in which it fell as I stood up, trying to ignore the dizzy feeling I got with the painful migraine I had. 

My head felt like a balloon when you put plaster on it and let the plaster dry. Then when the plaster is dried you start pumping even more air into the balloon and the plaster cracks and breaks under the pressure of the inflated balloon. The plaster the my skull and the balloon was my brain that happened to be throbbing furiously. 

Despite the nauseating migraine's pain I somehow managed to make my way out of my room, cradling my face and head gently as I walked down the stairway. I tried my hardest to repress any memories of Mikey as I walked past his bedroom door which was now painfully blank and white. It was like that white door was now his tomb stone, left in his memory and that's all I had left of him. A painful reminder of how much of a fuck up I was. Another reason why I will never live to do any good in this life, which I hated with a burning passion. 

"Adam," I tried to give a smile that did not come off as I was in sheer pain that it made me angry, "I was wondering, could I get my permit?" I asked, I knew he had my birth certificate in the facility files along with my Social Security card. He shrugged, "Why? You don't even have a car." I had to be on my toes when it came to answering unplanned or expected questions, I needed this permit, for my own use and personal secretive benefit. 

"I thought it would be cool to learn something, plus like it's just something with some sort of identification on it, ya know? It just makes me feel grown up I guess." I shrugged back at him, sounding as convincing as possible. 

At first he stared at me, as if he was trying to look deep into me, trying to figure out the real purpose. However, when I didn't seem to show any signs of lying, even though I obviously was, he shook his once more. Adam then turned around, grabbing his car keys and signing out on the faculty sheet. "Well, let's go then."

****

I filled out the permit paper for myself and Adam filled out the guardian permission paper. Adam had already called my doctor and asked if she would sign the doctors part of the paperwork, and she did. We are currently in the doctors office, finishing up our own paperwork as my doctor had already done her part. After this, I would go in with my paperwork and materials and take my permit test which seemed simple enough. 

I was anxious but determined. Getting my permit would be the first step in putting my plan to action to save Frank. It's not like I needed a car or to travel, no my plan was much more simple but yet somehow complex at the same time. I only needed that piece of paper, that permit with all of it's identification information on it. That's all I needed, and my plan was pretty much sealed. But Frank had no idea. No idea that he was not going to die. Frank was going to live a full, happy life. Frank was going to accomplish many magnificent things, he was going to make me proud, his mom proud, he was going to help so many people and change the Earth. Because that is just who Frank is. 

"Done," I sighed, cracking my sore fingers and wrist. Adam smiled over at me with a gleam of some unknown emotion in his eyes, "I'm glad you wanted to do this Gerard, I feel like it could really help you." Help Frank. It was going to help me save Frank. 

Adam drove me over to the building where I would hand in my paperwork and show them my SS card and birth certificate, when I would take my test and earn a saved life in the long run. 

The doors were smudged and the building looked fairly empty today, making relief wash over me in waves. I confidently walked up to the front desk and placed all of my papers down, fakely smiling at the woman behind the desk. She looked through all of my papers quickly. She then pointed to a row of computers, "The test is all set up, it's online, you can only fail three questions, good luck." It sounded like that sentence was so rehearsed and not genuine. But I wasn't here to hear encouraging words from strangers about some lame test, I was here because I had to be. 

The test wasn't even that bad, and before I knew I had only failed one question, it was more about common sense like IS IT OKAY TO SLEEP WHILE DRIVING OR RUN A RED LIGHT WHILE AN OLD LADY IS CROSSING THE ROAD AT AN ANNOYINGLY SLOW SPEED?  That's how stupid the questions were. But I passed and I walked out of the building that day back to Adam's car, a permit in my hand. 

I wondered if I should show Frank my newly accomplished Permit, and I weighed the options and outcomes of if I showed him and if I didn't. If I did show him, he might think nothing of it and be proud of my accomplishment, and that's all I live for, is for Frank to say he is proud of me. So with barely even weighing my other option, I decided I would show Frank. 

"Hey Adam, can you drop me off at Frank's house? I want to show him my permit."

"sure,"