Save Me From My Self Destruction. (Frerard)

Chapter 14- The Unfulfilled Void

The Unfulfilled Void-

There was a void that could not be filled. Like a missing puzzle piece in the center and I had lost that piece. I was uncertain of myself, lost, and mainly lonely. The only way I could ever feel whole again was to light up, but not even that was bringing me the sensation of being full anymore. Lately, it was nothing but complete regret and emptiness through out the days. 

Everyone ignored me, and I ignored them back. I wanted everyone to feel the pain I felt. I wanted someone to understand what it was like to be at rock bottom on your face, with nothing left but weed in your pocket. I wanted revenge, I was angry and upset and there was nothing left for me. 

I yearned for friends, someone relate-able, I didn't want to be alone 24/7. Of course I had Frank, but things were off. Things were changing between us and it hurt like hell. I stayed up late at night crying on that stone this facility calls a bed, because I had realized my place in the world. I was inferior, I was jealous, I was angry. I realized that love is very much real, exactly what I was feeling and god damn, it fucking hurt. It didn't only hurt my heart, it hurt my head, hands, legs, stomach, every inch of my body. I would give him my all but still disappoint him in the end, not wanting to. 

I was after something of substance. I was after something real, I was after Charley. Not in a gay way, but in a drug kind of sense. He had exactly what I needed, exactly what I wanted and I wasn't going to pass up his free offers. I guess being a friend of Zack's was my privilege. 

I met him in a dimly lit room in yet another run down building, of course. We sat on the concrete floor that happened to be covered in a thick layer of dust and cobwebs. We chatted for awhile and for the first time in forever I lit up a cigarette instead of my usual blunt. As I exhaled the smoke slowly I looked over at him with a straight face, "I want something stronger. I don't want just weed, I want to forget for awhile loner." 

He seemed to understand what I meant, because he gave me the famous drug-dealer shit eating grin as he pulled out a bag from his jeans pocket. He held it up in the small amount of light there was in our room, inches away from my face. Cocaine. It was white and almost a powder substance, giving me a tingling feeling in my stomach before I've even had my taste. 

I watched him while he poured a decent amount onto the floor, taking a card from his wallet and making lines through the cocaine. He glanced up at me without saying a word and proceeded to snort a line of the cocaine before wiping the area underneath his nose. "Go ahead," he urged me, nudging me toward the lines. 

It was a moment of silence and angst. It was rebellion; I knew this was wrong, but damn, it felt so right. I leaned down and snorted a line of cocaine before coming back up with a grin on my own face. "Aghh" I rubbed at my nose as it burned furiously. "You'll get used to it," Charley patted me on the back for reassurance. 

"Are you sure this will do the trick?" I asked nervously. I just wanted the void to be fulfilled for once in my life. He shook his head in response as he bent down, ready to take in another line himself. 

Charley threw me over a bag and told me to come back if I ran out, which I think I definitely will. I stashed the bag in my jeans pocket and walked out of the building, feeling whole again. I had a filling sensation in my gut, giving me bursts of energy and motivation. 

                                                                            **** 

I stared at him from across the room. I watched as he stood there, oblivious to my eyes inspecting his every move. He moved around the kitchen, standing on his tippy toes to reach the high cabinets. His skinny jeans slid down just a tad each time he would return to his normal height, showing the band of his blue boxers. I licked my lips and grinned at him. 

It was a different feeling, unlike any other. My heart raced and it was as if each glance he gave me would kill me. Usually when some teenager meets another and ends up liking them, they immediately start dating and plan their wedding and then end up breaking up. But it wasn't like that in this situation. 

I looked at Frank with such admiration and I knew I had fallen for him. Though, it wasn't like I was imagining our wedding or anything like that, the future was blurry for me and I was unsure of everything. Perhaps there was only one thing I was sure of, and that was my appreciation of Frank Iero's existence. 

"Do you like hot sauce on your eggs?" He asked, turning to look at me with the hot sauce container in his hand. 

I shook my hand and as soon as he turned around to get to business I had gotten up from my spot on the couch. I walked over to him and wrapped my long arms around his waist and began to kiss the side of his neck and his cheeks. I listened to his soft giggles, "Stop that." But I didn't listen, of course I didn't. Instead I had turned him around and kissed his lips. 

I felt the softness of his lips pressed against mine and that is when the void I felt began to fill itself up. I felt whole in the embrace of Frank. I kissed him with passion and so much overfilling love. I kissed him like I would not live another day to repeat the process. Which, maybe that was true, maybe I wouldn't live another day. 

"Gerard, I was thinking about something recently," Frank started off. I was scared of what it was that was filling his mind, I was scared that maybe he was thinking that the "us" situation wasn't in his or my best interest. Or maybe that he realized how much of a failure I truly am. 

"I was thinking that maybe we could locate your parents, you know. We could talk to them and stuff.." He trailed off, I could feel my palms sweating as my hands fell to my side and my heart began to quicken it's pace. I felt the venom build up behind my lips and on my tongue as I spat out a "Fuck them," in Frank's direction. 

If he felt hurt by my opinion he obviously didn't show it, he just shrugged and continued with what he was doing. The subject of my parents was dropped, but I still continued to think about the idea. How I was always angry at them for abandoning Mikey and I, how I blamed them for everything. 

I blamed them for my lack of respect and morals, for not knowing what to do in certain situations, for everything that managed to fuck up my every day life. I acted like I didn't care on the outside, but on the inside it killed me. The thought that someone could push a baby out of their vagina, and live with them for 4 years and then just give up angered me. Did they not take Mikey and I's feelings into consideration? What thoughts went through their mind that day? 

Did they even care at all?