Save Me From My Self Destruction. (Frerard)

Chapter 26- Not The Day Of The Dead.

Not The Day Of The Dead.-

A funeral for my boyfriend. The last place I want to be, his lifeless face, the last thing I want to see. Overwhelming emotions that resembled the consistency of a roller coaster summed me up during the whole thing.

I never understood why black was such an appropriate color, why did people dress up? It's not like dead are going to judge your appearance. I mean, they are dead. But whatever, I went along with it.

Mikey was here, his adoptive family, his grandma, facility acquaintances, everyone you could imagine except his parents. Even the guy who hooked him up with cigs and the guy who gave him weed were here.

Gerard's face was pale and powdery from that makeup shit they put on you for funerals with open casket so you look more "alive" even though everyone knows you are certainly not alive. I guess I never understood that aspect of funerals either.

I could almost cry just looking at him. So inhumanly, so unrealistic, so un-Gerard like he looked. But he was still my Gerard, and he was still beautiful.

I wondered if Gerard could see the outcome of his death right now, would he be begging to turn back time to change it all, or would he still kill himself? Did he still think his death was worth my life?

I hugged Mikey and their grandma tightly, reassuring them I was fine and them reassuring me they were fine as well. Even though we all knew we were huge liars.

Everyone, so conceited, wanted to believe his suicide was their fault. But he wasn't like that. He didn't kill himself over some harsh words being said to him. He just felt so sad he believed that maybe he would be more useful dead. Which, in my opinion, is absolute bullshit.

Gerard should be with me physically right now, we should be sharing a cigarette in the cemetery, having more sex outside, something, anything but this.

As the middle of the funeral was in session and that preacher guy who usually gives long religion speeches, which Gerard also was not into, during funerals was going on, the huge front doors slammed shut.

I turned around in annoyance, how disrespectful. But there they were. His mom sported a lovely black lace dress and his dad wore a black tux. I almost cried, they looked completely different from when they did yesterday while intoxicated on their current high. Now, they almost looked sober. Somewhat, and that is what Gerard deserved.

A smile crept across my face as I paid more intent attention to the preacher as he spoke about this not being about Gerard's death, but celebrating all the good moments his life held and the ones after life will hold for him. And if I was able to, I would drink to those exact words.

*****

After the death of Gerard Way I discovered a lot about myself. I vowed to never let a bittersweet, abusive, self-destructive relationship with anything or anyone get so out of hand like his did. I wanted to be healthy all the way around.

I also thought more about "what would Gerard think," as if I was desperately searching for his approval or opinion in most situations and I had stopped that. However the thought of him did seep into my mind every now and then.

I cleaned, rebuilt, and remodeled his grandma's house, it looked almost brand new and it was safe for her to live in. But I had moved in with her to help her along her journey. Mikey would spend every other weekend with us. I even found myself going through pictures of four year old Gerard.

I learned that maybe there is no saving us from our self-destruction, only you can save yourself. Everyone expects other to handle the heavy load for them, but that is not possible. You have to achieve things on your own. It's sad that Gerard did not come to that conclusion sooner.

Gerard's life and his death changed my life and way of living. Mainly positively. I couldn't repay him or thank him enough. He made me more aware of poor mental health and abandoned children. I decided to volunteer myself at the facility. Working with kids just like Gerard.

As Gerard's grandmother took a nap up stairs and I prepared dinner the doorbell rang. I smiled to myself, expecting Mikey or maybe even Adam. But as I opened the door to discover and empty porch I was confused.

That is, until my gaze dropped to the bottom steps below my and there laid a huge bouquet of white roses. And my heart skipped one more beat one last time for him

A/N- ITS THE END!! AHH! Thank you so much for reading this shit story lol. Xoxo💕