Save Me From My Self Destruction. (Frerard)

Chapter 17- Drugs, How Comforting.

Drugs, How Comforting.-

Do you get that gut feeling, when you know something bad is about to happen? Because I know that feeling all too well. Over the years it has become more a bitter friend/enemy of mine. I got used to the feeling, I got used to bad shit happening to me. I just came to terms with the fact that my life was just a huge timeline of shit. I was just waiting for my timeline to run to it's end. I yearned for that change of scenery. 

An unfamiliar black car was parked outside of the facility as I walked in, so many questions already coming to mind. As I walked in, everything was neat and clean, no screaming kids, everyone was silent and smiling. It was odd and my stomach started twisting every second I stood at the door. 

I gulped down some air, for some reason I was feeling anxious, confused, angry, sad. For a moment, the little kid switch in my brain turned on and I thought for no more than a split second that my parents came back. That maybe they had remembered and returned for us. Maybe they were sorry and it was all a misunderstanding. 

But the moment ended, the brief happy thought left me. I knew for a fact it wasn't them, they were gone. Mikey and I were deprived. Mikey was deprived of a normal childhood, he was deprived of a family, Mikey deserved a childhood, a good family. Mikey was innocent, and I had fucked everything up, it was my fault. Mikey deserved the world. 

I retreated to my room, not giving a single fuck what was going on down the stairs. It obviously had nothing to do with me, so why should I care? Why bother? I had much more important business to attend to at this exact moment. 

I sat at the little desk in my small bedroom that had a computer on it. The computer was bought for me by the staff, an attempt to help me find a hobby. But that plan failed, I strayed off the path and found myself having the most fun in a crack house. 

In the google search bar I typed in Elvis' song Can't Help Falling In Love. Dozens over dozens of hits popped up and I clicked on the first video I saw with lyrics. I listened deeply, read the words, I even mouthed them. I let the lyrics sink in, I let them wash over me like cold shower water, giving me goose bumps. 

When the song was over I replayed it, over and over again. Until finally I had learned the lyrics by heart and could sing it without the song playing. I sang it multiple times with a smile on my face and my heart beating faster than it has before. The song made me feel something. Something so foreign to me, something unfamiliar. 

I walked down stairs humming the new song, hearing the song play in my head. As I walked into the kitchen to get a bottle of water I couldn't help but notice the pile of small boxes at the front door. I stared at them, drinking my water. As Adam walked past me I decided to ask, "What's going on here?" I didn't sound too curious or anything, it was more of a "I couldn't give a shit anyway, casual" type of question. 

He walked by me once more, "We'll let you know when everything is more...Settled, I guess." He shrugged, no emotion evident on his face at all. I raised an eyebrow, laughing at the whole ordeal. "Okie dokie then," I said, taking one more sip of my water before going back up to my room.

I could still hear hushed commotion coming from down stairs. As much as I tried to repress the feeling of curiosity and anxiety, I just couldn't. My palms were collecting sweat and my throat felt dry even though I remained drinking my water. I tried to calm down by sitting on my bed, it didn't help. Nothing helped. 

I felt the urge to light up, drink, snort, something. I needed to be calm, collected. I wanted that familiar feeling of warmth and safeness within me. I needed something to comfort me in my time of need. But these 4 walls were closing in, I was trapped with no where to go. I had promised I would get better, I said those words out loud. I wanted to be better, I really did. 

I heard tires rolling on gravel and my heart began to beat faster. I raced over to my window, kneeling on the cold floor. The same black car that was parked out front was driving away. I felt like I was going to scream, go crazy, explode. It wasn't the car retreating that made me feel this way, it was the 12 year old boy in the back seat surrounded by boxes. 

A soft knock came from my door. I felt drained, like I couldn't muster up the energy to stand to see who it was and what they wanted. But somehow, I did because I found myself turning the knob and taking a step backward. It was Adam, an almost pitiful, sorry expression on his face as he looked at the ground, refusing to make eye contact. 

"Gerard," he started, but he didn't have to say anything. That damn expression gave it all away, I was right. 

"He's gone, isn't he, Adam?" I whispered. I got no immediate response from the man in front of me. "He got adopted out," I said, a little louder this time. My throat was burning along with my eyes, threatening to spill all the tears I tried to contain. 

Adam slowly shook his head, finally looking up at me. "He didn't want to see you before he left, but he gave me this for you," he handed me a silver necklace. It was pretty big with my initials engraved on it. It was think, with a line that separated the back part of the necklace from the front part. I smiled a sad smile and balled the necklace up in my fist. 

I shook my head and closed the door. The water works began to flow down my soft cheeks. The last person I had left of my torn apart family, and he was gone without a simple explanation or goodbye. He got what he deserved after all these years. Someone to love him. 

Well, it did get harder. Just like you said.