Letting Go

I Wish You Knew

Hongbin's POV

I thought I could handle everything, but it didn't work out the way I wanted it to be. I wanted to congratulate both of them for graduating, I sincerely wanted to do that. I wanted to take a picture with Sanghyuk and give him the game that I promised I'll get him as his graduation present.

My selfishness and feelings got the better of me, putting me in an absolute bad mood and acting harshly towards everyone. After our schedules ended that night, I went to the park near our dorm to do some self-reflection.

I know that I should talk to Sanghyuk about this whole thing and I should have told him about my feelings towards Jiwon earlier. I can't be mad at him for being so close to her because they have been friends since the first day of high school meanwhile Jiwon have been avoiding me since the first time she met me.

Just as I was staring into space and thinking of how to go about this whole thing, I heard Jaehwan hyung's voice, "you brat, you know that your hyungs are all here for you right? I know you've talked to Taekwoon hyung about your problem, but I'm pretty sure there's more to it. You want to talk about it?"

"Ahhh hyung... Actually, I didn't want to tell anyone about it..."

"Hongbin ah, that's not how it works. Bottling up your feelings will only make you feel worse. We'll help with what we can. Just don't let your emotions control you so much." I nodded then I told him everything he needed to know from the start till the end.

"First of all, you need to grab coffee with Sanghyuk and talk this out. You really have to."

"I will, when I have the courage to..."

"No Hongbin. You have to talk to him as soon as possible. You really have to." I looked at him and sighed. Will I do it? Can I do it?

We were busy with our solo schedules and every time I go back to the company building, I hope Sanghyuk will be there. During one of the afternoons, I was preparing to go for my drama filming when I hear all the hyung's voices coming from one of the meeting rooms. I was about to open the door when I heard Hakyeon hyung, "so Jiwon is leaving next week? I would be very worried too if I were you. She's flying to the other side of the world! ALONE." Jiwon is leaving?! I just stood outside for a little while more to hear their conversation.

"I know... I told my parents that I'm worried but they say it's for Jiwon's good and she actually decided this on her own... I mean... I can't stop her right? She's old enough to make her own decisions. But at the same time...  Ughhh" Wonshik hyung sounding so down and worried.

Now I really need to find Sanghyuk.

Sanghyuk's POV

Group practices were reduced for the time being since most of the hyungs have solo schedules to go to, but I practice on my own every single day. From sunrise till as late as the wee hours. I wanted to get things off my head. I can't say it's working, though...

Every time I look through my phone, I'll always stumble upon our conversations and pictures. It's so frustrating. Apart from this, I'm also wondering why Hongbin hyung have been avoiding me lately. Everything's in a mess, I feel like it's impossible to solve them.

It was lunchtime and I went to our manager's office to check the other's schedule. "Sanghyuk ah, Hongbin have been looking for you these past days but he's been busy. Give him a call." manager hyung told me. He's been avoiding me but now he's looking for me? I checked Hongbin hyung's schedule and he's free this afternoon. I quickly left and went back to the dorm to shower and change out.

When I was about to call Hongbin hyung, I received a call from him before I left the dorm, "Oh hyung! Manager hyung was telling me that you've been looking for me."

"Yes. I have a few important things to tell you. Are you free now?"

"Yup, I was about to go for lunch. I'll see you at the usual cafe?"

"Okay, I'll be there in 30 minutes,"

I ordered both our meals since I reached earlier. When the food was served, Hongbin hyung walked into the cafe. He looked worried and troubled. I didn't want him to lose his appetite, "hyung, at least eat half of your meal before telling me whatever you want to tell." He nodded and ate his food quietly.

"Okay... Firstly, I want to apologize for acting so cold towards you." He started.

"About that, I've been wondering... Why did you even do that? What did I do to you? It can't be because of the game we played the other day right?"

"No... Okay please just hear me out first before you say anything." I nodded and gave him the green light to continue. "I've had a crush on Jiwon... for quite awhile. She always avoids me and I don't even know why. I got mad the other day when I saw her holding your hand unintentionally and also when I was supposed to go to the store to buy Hakyeon hyung's honey lemon drink but I ended up seeing you hugging her... Seeing how close she is with you, makes me ask myself, what's the difference between me and you? Why does she avoid me but she can be so close to you? So so so close to you. If Wonshik finds out about you and her, he would probably get really angry."

I kept silent for a moment, thinking of how to put it nicely. "Hyung... I want you to know that Jiwon being close with me has got nothing to do with our differences. I don't even know why she avoids you. She has never ever talked to me about you or our members, never. I'm sorry that you had to see all that happen with your own eyes but I don't see why is it wrong to comfort a close friend with a hug? Furthermore, you have never told me about your feelings towards Jiwon. I know if Wonshik hyung knows about it, he would probably flip. Which is why I have never ever spoke about Jiwon to him, not even once until recently."

"Then maybe I should tell him..."

"You don't have to, I'll tell him on my own. Dongjae already told me that you have feelings for Jiwon a few weeks back and I have done the neccessary. I will never fight over a girl with someone whom I consider as my brother. From today onwards, you'll never see me speak to Jiwon again. You can go on and chase her. I'd rather lose her than to lose you because you're a very important person in my life." It took me every single ounce of my courage to say all that... How I wish he knows that they're both very important to me...

As I stood up to make my leave, Hongbin hyung had a little more to say, "Sanghyuk ah... There's one more important thing that I have to tell you. I don't know if you know this already but... Jiwon will be flying off next week. I heard that it's for her own good and it was her decision."

I paused for a moment. It felt like time stopped for that split second as I felt my heart dropped. In that moment, I could feel my insides sink and my knees were starting to get weaker. This... is this what a heartbreak feels like? The ache behind my eyes, the pain in my chest and my tears choking me up as I forced myself to be strong, knowing that things will never be the same again.

Before I left Jiwon on graduation day and when I told Hongbin hyung that I have let her go, I thought I knew what is love, I thought I knew what real pain was... Which is why I did all that. But I don't.