Love Must Come to an End Right?// Josh Dun

February 17th 2024

Josh's POV:

TRIGGER WARNING!! in this chapter there will be content including suicidal thoughts! I will put (*) to mark where it starts and stops. Stay Safe Frens. |-/
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It's been a hard few weeks. Between Amelia working at a photography studio in the city and bringing Isaac to my mom's or Ty's while I'm at therapy we haven't had much down time.

Therapy really isn't doing much. It's just brining back old memories from when I was in high school. My mom was so stuck on the fact something was wrong with me when I started listening to music that wasn't Christian. Being bullied in middle school into the beginning of high school didn't help all that much. Everything since then has just piled up and I don't know how long I can do this for.

"Babe" Amelia said waving her hand in my face

"Sorry babe" I said with a shy smile

"I have an appointment for Hayden today do you want to come or do you have therapy?" She asked

"I can reschedule. I want to see my baby girl" I smiled holding her stomach

"Just a little bit over a month" she grinned and sat on my lap

"I'm so ready" I smiled

We talked about our excitement for a little bit before it turned deeper.

"How's therapy going" She asked pushing my hair back

"As good as therapy can be" I shrugged

I didn't want to talk about therapy. I don't want to lie to her but I can't tell her the truth.

"Is it helping at all?" Amelia asked really concerned

"I guess I don't know it's only been a few sessions" I shrugged trying to get up from the couch

"Babe why are you avoiding talking about it" She asked

"I'm not. I do enough talking about it there and I just want to keep home for being with you and trying to forget about therapy" I shrugged again "can I go take my shower now?"

She finally let me get up but she wasn't happy with my answer, it was obvious.

In the bathroom I spent extra time looking in the mirror. My facial hair has grown out a lot, the first couple weeks after getting out of the hospital Ahme didn't trust me with razors and she still was scared. In all honesty I can't blame her, if it was her in this condition I wouldn't trust her with razors either.

*suicidal thoughts*

I stared down at the razor sitting on the counter. It seemed to be calling my name. It was saying "just one and it'll be done". I thought about what would happen if it was in my hand. Would I do it? Would it work? Can a razor solve all my problems?

*safe*

"Babe are you okay in there?" Amelia said knocking on the door

"Oh ya sorry" I said jumping back a little

"My appointment is in an hour so hurry up" she said

I finished up in the shower and stood in front of the mirror again, towel around my waist. I began analyzing my body.

** self hate:harm **

My body was ugly. I had little to no muscles. All it was, was skin and fat and bone. It was ugly. My body was pale, paler then how it used to be. I picked up the razor, it's not to hard to take the blade out, and sat on the edge of the tub. One for the hip, 2 for the thighs. It won't do too much damage right? The blood started trickling down my thigh and it felt so good. The stinging feeling I had longed for has returned. I clotted the blood and wrapped the towel around me again. Thank Wentz for black towels.

**safe**

I got dressed and grabbed a few band aids from the bathroom to cover the cuts.

We drove to the appointment playing The Story So Far and dropped off Ice at Tyler's.

Hayden was so little just 6 more weeks until this little alien. Amelia was squirming so much in excitement when she heard the heartbeat again. This was only the third time I've gone to an ultrasound with her. The first was the first over all, second was finding out the sex and now this one.

"Hayden Abigail" Amelia smirked grabbing my hand

"Hayden Olivia" I pushed

"Uhmm I've been carrying her for 9 months I can name her" Amelia sassed

"But it's weird since it's my sisters name"  I complained

"Ronnie is my brother and Ice's middle name is Ronald" she said for the billionth time in her pregnancy

"Let's physically meet her first before we make any life changing decisions" I laughed

We finished at the office and went to get a bite to eat. I got to chose so you know what that means! Taco Bell!

"Babe are you bleeding?" Ahme asked lifting the corner of my shirt

"Fuck" I mumbled

Deciding to make an appearance my hip had bled through the band aid and my shirt! Amazing!

"Oh honey" She said hugging me tight

"Stop stop" I said starting to panic

Having her hug me was making it a thousand times worse. I broke a promise to her and here she was holding onto me with her life. She should be yelling and saying she's disappointed.

"Josh calm down" She said rubbing my back

"No you should be yelling not soothing me. I fucked up. I'm a disappointment" I cried crouching into a ball on the ground

Thankfully we were sitting at a table outside.

"You aren't a disappointment you are so hard on yourself" she said crouching down next to me

"I'm a fuck up. I can't do anything right Amelia. Have you noticed that I have destroyed everything for you?"

"No you .." She started

"I broke up your relationship with your mom, you lost your friends, you've been in many hospital, I ruined your plan of traveling before kids, I put you in a horrible position in high school because I cheated on you, I ruined your life Amelia"

"Josh stop saying that Isaac and Hayden are the best things to ever happen to me, I've created such a great new family because of you, I got my first feature in a magazine because of you. You didn't ruin my life"

"You should have just let me go in high school" I said before walking away

I didn't turn back around to see her face, I ran. Like the coward and fuck up I am, I ran. This is it, my last run. I can't bring myself to hurt her anymore. She'll end up resenting me even more, or even herself.

This is it......

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A/N

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you don't hate me too much. There is only going to be like 3-5 more chapters!

Q: What's your favorite fast food restaurant?

-Izzy