Safe

Chapter 44

Chapter 44

I take a seat on the couch and stare at the door because I'm half expecting Niall to walk back in and apologize or say that I've just been Punk'd or something, but the realization that he won't sinks in deeper and deeper with each passing second. And it hurts. It hurts, a lot. And feelings like this is why I should have just stayed away from him. Because it's not worth it.

Thinking back to all of our time together, for every one minute of happiness, there is ten minutes of pain. And not even just in our relationship. That's how life is, too. We all grasp at the little hope we have that something will come along and fix us, or help us, or mend our broken heart, but we never really think that the thing that is helping us will cause us pain eventually, too. Everything does. If there is one thing I know for sure in this life it is that it is full of pain and pain alone. There is no escaping it.

While I sit contemplating the depths of life on the couch I had hardly realized that Izzie had come and sat on the couch next to me.

"So he left..." she says, as if it needed to be said. I want to be not mad at her anymore. I miss her. But right now all I want to do is rip her apart. I don't know if that's because she is just in my line of fire, or if I'm really this pissed off at her, but my blood is boiling and I have a million things I want to say. I want to tell her to fuck off, to go back to Zayn, to leave me and my relationship alone; but I don't. I simply nod.

"I never meant to for any of this to happen.." she tells me and I can't tell if she's talking about her being with Zayn or what just happened with Niall. "Honestly, I don't know what happened. it was like one day we were just friends and talking and texting, and the next it had turned into something more than that. I can't even pinpoint when it happened. Or why."

"I don't care, Izzie." That is sort of a lie. I do care, just not at this moment. I don't really give a crap why she cheated on Harry right now. And honestly, I do know why she did what she did. I know why because I know her better than she knows herself.

"I know," she mutters. "You don't care about anything anymore except Niall."

"Izzie," I snap. "Just because all of my attention hasn't been on you lately doesn't mean that I don't care about anything else but Niall. And besides, he was in a coma. Or did you forget that in all your cheating shenanigans?"

"Oh trust me, Kat, I didn't forget. I'm only reminded of it everywhere I fucking go." 

I swear. Izzie can be the sweetest person to ever walk the earth, or she can be the most selfish. 

"You know what, Izzie? I know why you cheated on Harry." She stares at me blankly. "You cheated on him because poor little you weren't getting the attention you needed for five fucking minutes. You cheated on him because everything has to be about you, doesn't it? And you couldn't stand that Harry, or me, or any of us were more focused on Niall than you .You cheated on him because even if you don't think so, you crave attention all the time."

"You know what," she starts and I brace myself for her angry words and harsh tone. "You're right." I definitely wasn't expecting that, so I keep listening. "Maybe I wasn't getting the attention I needed from Harry physically, so I turned to Zayn for it. I turned to Zayn for the physical attention that was lacking in my life. But you know what's worse?" I honestly have no idea where this is going. "Emotional cheating."

She stands up from the couch and leaves me sitting there. Emotional cheating? I don't understand what she just said to me.

"What does that even mean?" I ask her as she's walking away.

"At least mine was just physical cheating. Like, to get the attention I was lacking for a while. But Harry can give that to me. What you're doing is so much worse."

What I'm doing? What the hell is she talking about? I have never cheated in my life! I stand up and confront her face to face. "What the hell am I doing?"

"I don't know, Kat. What are you doing?" Her unwillingness to cooperate and tell me what she's thinking is really starting to piss me off.

"Screw you," I mutter to her out of anger and walk past her. I am annoyed at her for accusing me of cheating and I am confused as to why she would even do that. The only reason i can come up with is to make herself feel better. Emotional cheating.. what does that even mean?

I storm outside and slam the apartment door. I stand in the hallway for a minute trying to collect my thoughts and decide what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go. I search my brain and the only place I can come up with is the rooftop that Louis took me to a few weeks ago.

That place was beautiful and really helped me think. I make the decision to go there for a while. It hasn't started to snow for the season yet so it's only a little chilly outside.

I walk out of the apartment building and realize that I have no idea where the rooftop actually is. Louis had driven there and I was so out of it and hardly paid attention to where he was going. I head to the hospital in hopes that I can remember the route that he took from there.

Niall's POV

Once I leave Kat's apartment I don't know where I'm going to go. Ever since I left the hospital there has been nothing but drama happening with me and her. It's tiring, annoying, and frustrating more than anything.

I walk aimlessly down the street trying to sort through my brain. My heart stings every time I think about Kat and all of the drama and pain that has ensued since she came into my life. Maybe she was right to begin with. Maybe I should have just stayed away from her. She warned me, she told me I would be better off not knowing her. I should have listened.

My feet eventually end up taking me back to my apartment. I haven't been there in ages, since before the accident. I don't even think I have my key to it with me. I hit the buzzer in hopes that Harry might be inside.

"'Ello?" His voice comes through the speaker.

"It's me," I solemnly say.

"Niall! Buddy!"

I hear the buzzing of Harry hitting the button and the door clicks open. I trudge up the stairs and make it to the apartment, dragging my feet the whole way up.

When I walk in, Harry is sitting on the couch wearing a black beanie, a maroon V-neck tshirt and a pair of grey sweatpants. He looks so at peace and happy, and I wonder how that can be after he knows that Izzie cheated on him.

"Zayn's coming over," he states as I walk past him and into my room.

"Zayn?" I say, shocked.

"Yeah," he states casually and again, I wonder how that can be.

"Zayn." I say again, matter of factly. He turns and looks at me.

"Yeah..." he repeats, staring at me like I'm stupid. Then all at once a lightbulb goes on in that curly-headed brain of his, and he answers my thoughts. "Oh, so you've heard."

I stare blankly, my eyebrows raised. 

"Look, yeah, what he did was shitty. And trust me, I had a word with him about it. And it hurt. But he's my brother, you know? It's like, I can't let a girl get in the way of our friendship."

"So what about Izzie?" 

"I broke up, or am breaking up with her." He states and looks oddly calm. 

"And you're just.. okay with that?"

"Yeah. I mean, it sucks, but she cheated on me. So, whatever. There will always be another girl. One who won't cheat on me." He turns his attention back to the TV.

"Did you know Kat knew the whole time?"

"Uh huh," he mumbles, engulfed in some stupid show on the tele.

"And that doesn't bother you at all?"

"Well she told me eventually. I don't know, like, it wasn't her business to tell. She was just trying to be a good friend to Izzie, I guess."

"You're warped, man. Something's seriously wrong with you." I tell him and stomp off to my room. How can he be so forgiving? So casual about it? I don't know what the hell has gotten into everybody lately, but it's annoying the shit out of me. I need to get out of here.