State of Grace (Complete)

Blue Christmas

Christmas break is coming and I have been tiptoeing around Mommy because she is just over four months pregnant now, and isn't doing well. At the beginning of the month she started bleeding, just a little, but enough to be worried. She has to stay in bed all the time and isn't allowed out. I can tell it is really upsetting her because any noise I make she yells and she isn't really eating much. I bring her drinks and snacks, but most of the time they end up going into the garbage, untouched. It's like she knows everything is going to be bad and has given up hope. I am really thankful I know how to run the laundry and do some cooking, otherwise I'd be in big trouble because Daddy's started staying away again.

Sure enough, the bad thing happens one day when I'm at school. Chris, Ian and I are walking home, and when we get close, I see Daddy's car sitting ominously in the driveway. "Oh no." the colour drains from my face and I feel sick.

"It will be okay, Grace." Ian puts his arm protectively around my shoulder and Chris takes my backpack from me. Together we walk up my driveway.

Daddy is at the door, waiting for us to arrive. "Sweetpea, Mommy's lost the baby and she's at the hospital. Can you go to the Reed's so I can go back to the hospital?"

"We'll keep her for you, don't worry at all," Chris tells him.

"Thank you, boys. See you later, Gracie."

I spend the next five days at the Reed's house, the last two days of school and the first three of Christmas break. I sleep on the air mattress in the twin's room, and I'm not woken by Chris' nightmares this time, but I guess it's been a few years since that happened. One night though, I am really restless, worrying about what's going to happen when I get back home, and I must have woken Ian. He climbs down from the top bunk and curls up next to me until I fall back asleep. As much as the circumstances are bad, it's like a holiday from the solemnity of my house. The past few weeks have been horrible at home. To be able to talk in a normal volume and to not have to do the cooking and dishes is a huge break.

Mommy's in the hospital and Daddy spends most of his time at work or visiting Mommy, so I don't see either of them, but I don't actually mind too much, which makes me feel a little guilty. To make up for it, one of the days, I enlist Ian and Chris to come to my house and put up our Christmas tree and some decorations. It might be a nice surprise for when Mommy gets back. When I run upstairs to get some more clothes from my room, I catch a glimpse of Mommy and Daddy's room. There is dried blood on the bed and floor, and it's obvious that Daddy hasn't been sleeping here, unless he's staying in my room.

Twenty minutes later, Ian comes to find me. I am peeling the disgusting bedding off my parents' bed and crying. "Do you need help, Gracie?" he asks softly.

"I just want to make things nice for her, I know I can't do anything right, but maybe I can just do this?" I am blubbering.

Ian takes the sheets from my hand, "Gracie, you didn't do anything wrong. Your mom doesn't realize how awesome you are, but that's not your fault."

"Ian, why isn't this cleaned up? Why isn't Daddy sleeping here?" I ask.

"I don't know Grace, but if we are going to take these sheets off, we need to do it soon, because Chris faints at the sight of blood."

"I know," I sniffle, "thanks Ian."

Mommy is back home for Christmas Eve and Daddy doesn't say anything about the decorations or the sheets, but at least I know I did something. She is firmly ensconced on the sofa and I am quietly sitting on a floor pillow reading my book. Daddy dropped her home an hour ago, got me from the Reeds' then went out.