State of Grace (Complete)

Screw You All

Ch. 29

On Monday at school, I get called to the guidance office. I know it's probably because report cards are coming and mine's been flagged for poor performance. I stop for a quick trip out behind the bleachers before heading red-eyed into the guidance department to sit in the chairs.

"Grace, you know why you're here, don't you?" my guidance counsellor, Mr. Karst asks when I enter his office.

I shrug. I know that drives people nuts, but really his concern is so fake it's ridiculous. This is only the second time I've ever met the man.

"Miss Yardley, I don't understand how your grades could have fallen so drastically. You don't want to repeat grade eleven, do you?" he cuts to the chase.

"No," I say sullenly.

"But it seems you are trying really hard to be unsuccessful. The only class you're passing is English, and that is above your grade level. I don't understand, I know you get free tuition to university because of your father's position, but you still have to get the grades to get in." I know what he's trying to do, but I am not going to feel guilty about this. He can screw himself thinking he knows a thing about me.

"You know about my dad's position, do you? You know about his position on top of his grad student? The one who's just had his baby? The one he left us for? Well, congratulations to you. Tres bien. My whole life is a total lie. So thank you fucking very much for knowing HIS position." I stand up halfway through my diatribe, grab my bag and slam through the door with my last word. I am sure I have just totally destroyed my chances for rescuing my credits this semester and I don't care. I am seething.

Crashing through the guidance office, I storm towards the hallway. Ian sits in a chair near the door, his face falling when he sees me. "What the fuck are you looking at Ian?" Why does he have to be here?

"Grace, please, calm down." Ian intreats as he stands, reaching for me.

I push his arms away, "That's rich coming from you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he's defensive and ready to fight. Ahh, there's the Ian I know, if I know him at all.

"I mean what do you care? You've made it pretty clear you don't, so just screw off like everyone else and go back to ignoring me. You've done it for long enough. Go back to destroying your own life. Mine's already fucked."

"Grace, that's enough." His voice is ripe with anguish and his eyes are tearing me apart and all I want to do is fall into his arms and cry, but I can't. I have no one. I ignore his pleas and flee to the parking lot. For as much as he supposedly cares, he doesn't follow me. Climbing into my car I slam the door and smash my fists against the steering wheel. My eyes are flooded and I don't even remember when I started to cry, but I can't stay here, so I drive home, speedy and reckless.

The next few days are a blur of self-destruction and self-loathing. I'm not sure I even recognize myself when I see my reflection. I skip two days of classes and instead walk over near the university to hang out in student houses of faceless people who can provide me with the relief I need. I spend two days stoned and drunk, drowning in a sea of hazy destruction numbing myself and I don't care.

"Where have you been, young lady?" my mom greets me at the door as I unsteadily weave my way in the house. She looks different, angular from her lack of food, but also more present than she's been in ages.

"What do you care?" I slur.

"Are you drunk?" she accuses.

"What if I am?"

"Grace, it's four in the afternoon on a Wednesday."

"Really, you know the time and the date? How the hell did that happen?"

"The school called, you've missed two days of classes and are failing," her voice pounds into me. "How could you do this to me?"

"How could I do what to you? You never pay any attention. I could blow this house up around you and you wouldn't notice."

"Go to your room, now."

"Whatever." I toss my keys and purse on the table and go upstairs, not because she told me to, but because I'm pretty sure I'm going to pass out. She lets me sleep. I sleep for a full night and halfway into the next day. But she makes me go to school on Friday on the bus.

I walk through the hall in a bubble. I am in a cocoon and no one can bother me in here. I ignore my teachers and classmates, just floating from room to room. I have work after school and then am going to a party right after.