State of Grace (Complete)

Losing Chris

Ch 39

Summer school is long and hot and boring. I am so glad I didn't do math like this. Instead of signing up for the remedial course, which is half a day, I signed up to take it as a new credit, which is the full day. History for five hours a day for three weeks. There are only twenty kids in my class, but it's three different courses of history in one. There's the tenth grade students doing their compulsory credit, my class of ancient civilizations, and the students getting ahead on grade twelve taking modern western civilizations, which I am taking next fall. It's kind of hard to concentrate because the teacher is almost always doing a lesson with one of the three groups and if it's not my group, I'm supposed to be reading and answering questions, but whatever the lesson is, it's almost always more interesting. There are a few kids I recognize from the school year, but no one I'm really friendly with, so I spend most of my time during lunch reading or playing on my phone.

My new job is not the most exciting, but really easy and quiet. The real estate office is in the old downtown, close to the university and my Dad's apartment. The building I am in is a repurposed old factory, done over in the loft style, and my desk is fabricated from old machine parts and heavy wooden beams. It's big and gorgeous, and best of all, I feel separated from everyone else when I sit behind it. All I have to do is answer phones, greet clients when they come in, and let the agents know when someone is waiting.

My exam for history comes before I know it, and then I have more spare time. I spend some of it with Chris, some in counselling, and a lot of time with Elizabeth and baby Xavier. On days when I work, I usually spend the afternoon with them first. We take Xavier to the park and for walks. He is getting better at sitting up by himself and is crawling like a demon. I have no problem touching Xavier and I am glad for it. I can hug him and kiss him and it is fantastic. He grabs my fingers and gnaw on them, and I love my little brother. Elizabeth and I have become good friends, which is kind of weird because, although she's my stepmother, she's basically the same age as Maggie.

Before I know it, summer is over and Chris is going away to school. It is the first time the twins have ever been separated for so long. It's been a series of small breaks between them for years, but this is a big one. I know that Chris is excited, but torn about going. It will be great for him to get somewhere where there is so much more freedom and he can hopefully meet the man of his dreams. Steve and Andrea have the car packed and are ready to drive him to school. Maggie's is only fifteen minutes away from him and I am glad he won't totally be alone. Ian is nowhere to be found. He's not good at good-byes and I'm assuming he said his piece earlier then went somewhere to draw.

"Take care of him Gracie, he loves you so much," Chris tells me before he climbs in the car.

"I know, I love him, too. I love you both."

"No, I mean he LOVES you. Not like we love each other. Remember how you chose him to marry when we were camping in your yard?"

"Yes."

"Well, he's never forgotten either. He needs you more than me, remember?"

"Yes."

"You love him, too, don't you?"

I can't say anything.

"Grace, it's always been Ian, I know it and so do you. Just like you knew I'm gay. I know things are hard, but he needs you so much."

"He needs to move on, and so do I." I can't do this, I just can't.

"Grace..."

"Chris what am I going to do without you?"

"I don't know, but I know I'll be fine. Because you'll be here for me. You are our rock. You made being me and coming out so easy, because I knew you'd support me and for that I'm forever grateful. I just want my two favourite people to be happy."

I reach out and touch his arm, gently, then let my hand fall. My breathing stays steady, and then he gets into the car. I watch my best friend drive away, drive towards his future, as he waves to me from the backseat. Turning, I walk towards the woods for a good long cry.