State of Grace (Complete)

A New Year

Ch 36

New Years is spent with my mother. The twins go to a party, and they invite me, but I decline. I watch the ball drop on tv and say goodbye to the worst year of my life. When I look in the mirror, I am so completely different from who I was last year, but I know I'm stronger, too.

January flies by, my dye fades and my blonde hair starts to come back and I embrace it. I write my two exams and give Mrs. Simpson a gift for supervising me for the past two months. The weather is cold and I go for a lot of walks, they help me think and keep me calm. I go and visit Elizabeth and my baby brother regularly and am amazed at how quickly Xavier changes. My father is seldom there and we never speak, but Elizabeth is fantastic and she and I are becoming friends. When my father's book is finally released, she gives me a copy, and I want to burn it, but instead I read it cover to cover. The dedication is to his colleagues and I'm not surprised, even if it hurts.

Second semester starts and I plough through my work. I have four classes again plus night school twice a week. When my self-defence classes and counselling is added, there is very little time for anything else. Chris and Ian both still check in on me regularly, leaving me notes in my locker or texting me to see how I am, but they're busy, too. Chris is trying to ensure that not only does he keep his placement in pre-med, but that he qualifies for an entrance scholarship besides. Ian is, well, I'm not sure what he's doing, but whenever I see him in the halls, he's got stained fingers and is toting a sketchbook. I'm glad that he's found art as his outlet. It's way easier seeing him like this than scowling and argumentative. I'm not sure if he's dating anyone, and I don't want to know.

The weeks pass and mid terms come out. I am kicking butt in all my classes, even math, although I do get Chris's help on occasion. When I show my mom my report, she's thrilled, which is kind of funny. It's the first time in forever that I remember her even caring and it's not even close to the best report card I've gotten. She's doing a lot better and even gets a job—a huge step—working at a small law firm doing secretarial work.

"It's not my passion, but it's a start. I like that I can leave my work at the office and I have regular hours," she explains one night when we have dinner out together.

"I'm really happy for you Mom, you spent way too long in our house."

"Some day I might even try dating," she says with a grin. "It's been far too long since I've done anything like that."

"You were always so hung up on Daddy, but he was always hung up on himself."

"I know. I feel really badly for that poor girl he's with now."

"Don't worry about Elizabeth, she's under no illusions as to what he's like. Xavier's only six months old and I don't think he even recognizes Daddy, the amount of time he's there."

"It's so hard, when he gives you his attention, you feel like the centre of the world and it's great to be drawn in, but when he leaves..." she trails off.

"It's like you don't exist. Believe me, I know."

"I'm so sorry Grace, I spent so long being jealous of the attention he paid you, it made me so bitter."

"I understand, Mom. It's just like what he did with me, and what he's doing with Elizabeth."

"And all the others he was involved with," she says resentfully, then takes a deep breath. "Talking to my therapist has been so good for me, I wish I did it years ago, I could have made things so much better for you, Grace."

"It's okay Mom, the past is behind us. Dr. Minders and I are working on leaving it in the past." It's not really totally okay, I still have a lot of animosity, but I'm trying to move beyond it.