State of Grace (Complete)

Wouldn't Death be Better?

Ch. 32

Two days later, at least two days, and I crawl out of bed. My body is stale and sour, and I feel limp and disgusting. I know people know now. I know my mother knows. I wonder if she feels bad about nagging me when I came in? I wonder if she even cares?

At some point during my time in bed, Andrea came by. I heard her talking to my mom, undoubtably Ian told her what happened when he got back home, and she informed my mom. I know the police have put a restraining order in place against Chad and the visible signs of bruising, around my neck, on my breasts are starting to fade, but how long before the bruising inside heals? I retch again, and barely make it to the toilet. Not that it matters, I am empty, so empty. Hunger gnaws at me, but it's a good pain, something tangible, something that I can control.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Cocktease, beautiful, gorgeous, swirl around in my head. I don't want to be noticed. Digging through the closet, I find the most shapeless clothes I own, a baggy tracksuit and put it on. Anything tight or form fitting might invite comments, lingering glances, lascivious looks, nothing that I asked for. I didn't ask for Chad to hold me down. I am gagging again, and I collapse back into bed.

It might be three days, it could be four, but Ian is here, in my room. I scramble to the edge of my bed, balled up in the corner. He tries humour.

"Wow, it's been ages since I've been in here. Love what you've done with the place." He kicks at a pile of clothes on the floor. I don't respond.

He tries being nice,"Gracie, it's time for your appointment. You need to do this." I don't respond.

"Grace, you can't stay like this. You're killing yourself," he sounds pained.

"Then let me," I whisper.

"No. We all care too much to see that happen." He is angry now, angry at me? Angry at himself? It's all too confusing to contemplate. All I know is he reaches for me, with his strong arms and I flinch, I try making myself smaller, try to become part of the corner. "No, Grace, you are not going to disappear, you are stronger than this, and you need to go to counselling. It was stupid to leave you here in this house. I bet you haven't even spoken since you got back, and that's not healthy."

Chris is by his side, and together they pull me from my bed and carry me down the stairs, through the house and to the car. Chris buckles me in, and Ian drives. The bright sunlight burns my eyes and I slump in the seat, shaking. "I'm sorry Gracie, if there was any other way to get you there, we would have done it, but you left us no choice," Chris tells me.

We arrive at a house, a well manicured lawn and welcoming porch leading to a sunny yellow door, its brightness promising of something better, but too intense for me to look at causing me to squint. "Please walk, Grace. I don't want to have to carry you in. I know you can do this," Ian intreats.

"I can't," it tears through me, but I weakly climb from the car and allow the twins to help me up the stairs and in the door. My clothes are hanging off me, so loose, I smell and my hair is hanging in greasy clumps.

Dr. Minders is a short, petite female, not thin exactly, but short. Her hair is really long, all the way to her waist, and falls in dark waves down her back. She greets us in the foyer and shakes the twins' hands.

"Thank you so much for seeing her, Doctor. We're so worried. Grace hasn't been out of bed in days and I know it isn't healthy," Ian tells her.

"Grace, would you like to come in to talk?" She asks, friendly, welcoming.

"Not without Ian and Chris," I mumble. I don't want to be alone with a stranger.

"How about they stay for the first little bit, okay?"

I nod, and we go into her living room turned office. There are a selection of cushioned chairs and a sofa to choose from. I climb onto the sofa and curl up, bringing my legs up to my chest. Ian sits on a chair next to me, and Chris takes the other side of the sofa.

"Okay Grace, we're going to start with a few basic questions for my records. What's you full name and date of birth?"

I answer as if by rote.

"And who are are your friends here?"

I tell her and she asks us questions about growing up as friends. Nothing hard, nothing about parents or relationships or anything difficult, just reminiscences of things we've done together, and it's mostly the boys talk. It's nice to hear them say nice things about me, even if I don't know that it's true anymore. The three of us together, just talking, hasn't happened in forever, and I'm getting some comfort from it, but I'm not sure how this is supposed to help me.

After an hour, I am actually sitting on the sofa and talking with a bit of emotion. "Okay Grace, I have some homework for you," Dr Minders proposes. " I know things are hard, but you have a great support system. I want you to try to go to school tomorrow, at least for one day, and meet with your guidance counsellor, too. You need to deal with all the stresses in your life in order to heal, and I know school has been a problem lately."

All the normality that I felt over the past few minutes dissipates, and I can feel myself drowning again, like a giant brick has settled on me, holding me under. I shake my head and take gasping breaths. Ian reaches out to comfort me, and his touch is painful to me, I shrink away. And I can see the pain in his eyes, mirroring mine. Finally after all this time, he wants to be part of my life again, and I can't let him.

"I can't. I..people will all be looking at me. I can't." I whisper roughly.

"Gracie, you can. Chris and I want to help, and I know Kyle and Carmine will, too. You won't be alone in the halls ever. We'll keep you safe, Gracie."

"Can you try for us, Grace?" Dr. Minders asks.

I nod, but can't say anything.

On the way home in the car, I am curled in the corner again, but they aren't going to let me be. Chris pulls into the parking lot of a coffee shop and Ian runs in to get us drinks and pastries. I haven't eaten in a while, but I'm not sure if I can. When he comes back, he is clutching a large box and three drinks.

"Okay, Gracie, you get first choice." We are sitting in their basement and he opens the box of donuts. There are twelve nestled in there, a good selection with lots of my favourites, but I can't move to pick one. I'm not sure I could eat one if I tried. Looking at the box is too difficult, so I turn away.

"Fine Grace, if you want to be like that, we'll pick for you." Ian selects a cruller and Chris takes the sour cream glazed and they put them on the plate in front of me. "We know these are your favourites. Please at least try them."

"And look, Peppermint tea, easy on the stomach." They are trying so hard that I give a weak smile and reach for the tea.

Chris and Ian each drink their coffees while I sip my tea and we sit quietly while something I can't follow plays on the tv. My mind is racing and I am freaking out about school tomorrow. I can't go. I just can't. I pull my legs up to my chest and I am in a tight ball.

"Gracie, calm down. It will be okay." Chris reaches to touch me and I shy away again. Panic rising.

"It's okay, we won't touch you, but we will be here for you. We're taking you to school and you won't be alone."

Numbly I nod my head, then I get up and walk home, with the boys following. When I get to the door, my mom is waiting in the living room. She is dressed and the room is clean. I can hear the laundry machines running in the basement.

"We just stopped by to tell you we are picking Grace up for school tomorrow, Doctor's orders at 8 am. If you could make sure Grace is up?" Chris informs her.

"Okay, thank you," my mom tells them as they leave. Then she turns to me, "Grace, I think you need to take a shower, Honey. Those boys must really like you to sit with you when you smell like you do."