Raise your hand right now if you, despite denying it to everyone including yourself, read smut!
Haha, that's almost 100% of you guys. Don't even lie.
I admit, I like a little smut, but prefer to read it when it's an actual story with a plot, as you have a connection with the characters. But there is one reason why I never come to Wattpad for this shit. Fanfiction.net and A03 are way better for this one reason.
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WHY ARE ALL THE SMUT WRITERS ALL 12-YEAR-OLD VIRGINS ON HERE?
Here's some base advice involving sex in general, because I wouldn't know *cough*:
1) Your first time is awkward because you don't really know what you're doing. Stop writing as though virgins are pornstars. Also, I'd say an 80% chance as a girl you won't finish.
2) Blowjobs aren't that great, but I guess you fanfic people think every guy has a perfect dick. Like swallow some really salty water, gag, and then realise how bad it can taste.
3) If a guy lasts 5 minutes, HE'S SHIT! WHY IS IT ALWAYS OVER SO QUICKLY IN FANFICS. Like hun, if your fantasising fucking some one-minute-man as all that you got pretty low standards.
4) Cum is MESSY and STICKY and going to sleep randomly without CLEANING UP is GROSS!
5) Finishing at the same time is very hard to 'time' so why authors think they can control your bodily functions, they can't!
*just broke a thousand twelve-year-old horny hearts*
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So here's some absolute smut NEVERS:
1) Call a dick a normal word for a dick. In NZ we say dick. Some people say cock. Who THE FUCK says, member? Ew, why? Why? Stop calling female's area a cunt. Seriously?
2) There is a huge difference between BDSM and Rape, sweeties.
3) Sure, you can fantasize calling a guy daddy, but they find it really creepy in real life, so tone it down a bit. You'll find the vast majority of guys are creeped out by it.
4) WHY IS THE MALE ALWAYS DOMINANT? Seriously girls, get your game up they can't be expected to do all the work. Like, laying there like a dead fish ain't gonna be any fun. Sex is about equal pleasure and equal effort.
5) God girls... how the fuck did you get the idea that cumming is so easy to do, and that guys can easily do second rounds? Bloody hell I feel like I'm giving a sex lesson here when I myself can't say too much...
Oh right, I am.
Y'all almost all virgins on here, and that is perfectly ok, but do not believe the vast majority of smut on here, please. It's shit because the majority of it is written by you guys repeating the same virgin knowledge that other people have read and so continues the cycle.
My best advice:
L o w e r y o u r e x p e c t a t i o n s :)
*good luck on your first kissing and sexual experiences twelvies, they ain't like the fanfics*
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