This Should Make A Terrible Story

Did I just fall?

"Owwwwwww, damn. How long was I out for?" I groaned and asked.

"Five seconds, drama queen, now, before you interrupted our girl talk," Sue said.

"Wow, Sue, you're the most caring woman I know and I love you for it very much."

"Yeah, I love you too. Now clean up the blood on that floor, or it's the least of your worries." She said jokingly.

Jess couldn't help but give out a giggle.

"Come on, I'm hungry." Sue said.

"You're always hungry." I said, desperate for a comeback.

"You see my sexy summer body? If I'm always hungry you wouldn't be drooling every time you take a peek at it." She said.

....

We had a fucking guest and she won't stop blabbering about it.

"SUE!!"

"What? Okay, so maybe you don't drool at it but a lot of boys your age do." She's right. She's always right.

Except right now Jessica was just giggling at her inappropriate jokes while taking our seats at the dining table.

"Bacon? Help yourselves." Sue said as she helped herself to some too.

I grabbed the darned plate overflowing with the red drops of heaven, er, strips of bacon, and handed it to Jess for her to get. Usually I would have helped myself and forget everything else but this was Jess we're talking about. Jessica Lark. The only friend I've had in a long time.

She got a fourth and so did I as Sue served the pancakes overflowing with syrup, the omelettes and the wheat raisin loaves.

"You eat raisins?" Jessica asked me.

"Oh, please, my weirdo of a cousin prefers those pruny things instead of chocolate. Says they're sweeter and healthier. I'm sorry dear, although we have regular loaves in the pantry,"

Jessica smiled.

"I thought I was the only one."

"There goes another one off the list." I said, now also smiling like the idiot I am.

"You two are like, Charles Xavier meeting Raven Darkholme and being surprised at how many similarities you two have." Sue blurted and I gave her a look.

"Oh, don't give me that look, Art, just eat your bloody breakfast. Jessica as you were saying earlier?"

"What was she saying earlier?" I asked, anxious.

"Oh, the fun date you had yesterday. You even went to the cinema!" Sue said.

"You told her everything?!" I asked Jessica.

"Oh, I know everything, Arthur, You know that and you love me for it. But no, she didn't tell me everything yet. Go on."

Jess smirked knowing how it would torture my soul to hear her narrate the events.

"... so he said, hey, let's go wat h the sunset, it's great here... and we talked about you and my uncle and my butler... how I live by myself... Uncle Bertram... He took me home... I babbled... AC/DC... TnT... He kissed me again... dynamite."

In case it wasn't obvious, I just shortened that. I couldn'tbear hearing our embarrassing story yesterday being told to Sue. I could've sworn I was acting like a Seven year old kid being examined by his aunts and being told he was cute.

"Stop acting like a baby, Arthur." Sue said. "You're embarrassing yourself."

"You're being a cute dork again." Jessica said. Right in front of Sue.

Fucking awkward.

And Sue was loving the awkward taste in the air.

You could see it across her face.

"We should arrange for a threesome." Sue said.

Somebody shoot me in the head and end it PLEASE.

"Jessica, I am really sorry about Su--"

"Yeah, sounds great." She said.

Sorry, MOTHERFUCKING WHAT?!

I had that sentence across my face when she cut me off.

"Oh, I've been waiting to use my secret chains, handcuffs and latex on him that even he has no idea about." Secret chains and what?!

"Oh, Bucky, I forgot to tell you how Sue told me everything too. Including your nightly escapades." Jess said.

"SUE DID WHAT!?!"

"Yeah. Prepare your prostate, Grayson." What the hell do you mean Grayson?! YOU'RE A MOTHERFUCKING GRAYSON!!

and more importantly, uh, let's see, oh yeah, PREPARE MY FUCKING WHAT?!

"I'll bring my dildos." Jessica said.

"Your what!?!"

I feel like the word what is the only thing on my mouth right now.

Then they both laughed. THE EVIL KIND OF LAUGH.

Like they were planning this the entire time.

"Calm down, you horny bitch, if I had a collection of BDSM toys you'd know about it." Sue said as she laughed.

"I don't even have dildos, I'm not a dirty whore, Bucky, ew."

OH THANK GOD.

"Has it occured to either of you that we're at the breakfast table?!" I yelled.

"Awww, now he's unable to eat his bacon." Sue said.

"You know what, you two are IMPOSSIBLE."

"And you love us for it." Jess replied with a sarcastic duckface as an expression, as Sue raised her hand for a High Five.

God, now there's two of them.

They poked fun at me for remaining silent for the rest of the meal.

And I was trying not to even give a smirk.

Believe me, with these two, you have better luck shooting the moon than doing so.