To Live *The Scorch Trials/Newt Fanfic*

The Truth.

~~~This is a very long author's note about me, and I would truly be so appreciative if you read it. A lot has been on my mind lately.~~~

Hi, Guys. I know this "fake update" is disappointing, the "click-bate" of Wattpad, but I need to talk about some things. And I need to talk about it in a non-chapter chapter. I don't know where to start with all of this so bear with me.

A lot of people reading my story don't know anything about me. That's just how it is. And I don't know anything about you guys. So nobody knows the things that go through my head. Between one author's note to the next, a lot of stuff happens to me. I try to share some of it, because in a weird way, you're nicer and more supportive than the people I see in person. But naturally, there are many things that I don't share.

I recently entered an excerpt of To Love to someone in hopes of being expected into a writing program over the summer. I wanted to be apart of this program so badly. I edited the part for hours and hours. I felt the writing deep within my heart. I can't even explain how moved I was by my own story. Call me self-absorbed, but I was proud of it. I've honestly never felt so satisfied with anything I've ever written.

As I hit the enter button to send in my entry, I broke down into tears. I was scared, but I felt this odd peace in my heart. It was the weirdest thing. I didn't have an anxiety attack like I thought I would. I cried tears of joy that night. I didn't think I was going to get into the program. I didn't expect to get it.

And I didn't get it. Yesterday, I got the email, confirming that I hadn't made it. If I tell you that I almost deleted it all, it all being my stories, I would not be lying.

I cried again, this time for a different reason. I cried for hours, I kid you not. At least six, last night. And probably one this morning. I failed. I'm very disappointed and I'm very angry. I'm just being as honest as I can be with you guys.

I looked at myself in the mirror and swore I would never write again. I felt like this failure was a personal attack against my writing. I felt like everyone who was telling me I was good at writing had been lying to me this whole time. I don't know how I feel, still.

Truthfully, I always try to act like I have everything figured out, but I don't. I'm scared right now. I don't know what to do next.

I'm crying, as I write this. I don't wanna feel like I'm letting people down, that's why I don't share a lot. I don't want to scare people. But I never feel like I'm fully there with my work, if that makes sense.

Because there's this huge chance I could fail at everything I'm doing.

I've been told my whole life that my dreams were impossible to achieve. When I was in the third grade, I wanted to be a singer. I would write songs in my bedroom and sing in talent shows and musicals. Everyone at school would tell me I was crazy. They told me I couldn't be anything and that I didn't have what it takes to make it.

I wanted to be on my town's soccer team. I played soccer for five years. My fifth year, and my final year, I was put on the bench by my coach. I remember the day I got to play: the coach took me out of the game after two minutes. At the end of that game, the coach shook everyone's hand but mine. I've never actually told anyone about that day.

In the recent years of my life, I've had kids in my class who would tell me I was stupid. People would call me fat and ugly. I've long since then, forgiven those people.

I'm not telling you guys this stuff so that everyone will feel bad for me. I don't want that. I'm telling you this, because I know that some of you probably go through worse things than these. And I want everyone to know that I'm just as real as you are.

I'm my own worst enemy. Nobody calls me fat anymore, but I still struggle with finding myself beautiful. The kids don't call me stupid anymore, but I still feel inferior to my peers at school. That coach shook my hand every other game and promoted me to a starter by the end of the season, but every time I step onto the field or court in all sports, I feel like I'm the worst player on the team. Those little third graders, who I don't speak to anymore, never tell me now that my dreams are crazy, but I still see my goals as unattainable. That writing program didn't tell me that my work was bad, but that's how I feel right now.

The words of others reverberate in the very depths of my being everyday, but I can't let those words effect me anymore. And you guys shouldn't either.

Right now, I don't feel like writing. I feel like my dreams are crazy, that I should quit because nobody's shaking my hand, that I'm stupid for trying to be something in life. But, call me naive, call me a failure, there's a whole list of people that I have to prove wrong. And that list starts with me.

I am a firm believer in that "everything happens for a reason" stuff. Those kids called me stupid, so that I could look at others with compassion and understanding when they fail a test and weep in shame. I was called fat, so that I could help the girl throwing up in the stall next to me. I was told I was ugly, so that one day I can tell my children they're beautiful. The coach didn't shake my hand, so that I had the drive to work harder than anyone else on that team. I was depressed, so that I could talk the boy who was always happy at school out of suicide at two in the morning. I don't know why I failed this writing thing, but someday, I will know.

If there has been a void in my story's content recently, this is why. I need to figure myself out a little bit, and once I do I promise To Live will continue.

I hope this doesn't make me seem like I'm seeking attention. I just want to share some of me with you guys. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I am always here, feel free to DM me or comment on my story.

Honestly, if you can relate to anything I'm saying, it always helps to share and hear that someone gets it, so feel free to do that also.

I love you all and I hope you decide, like I have, to keep chasing after your dreams, or scratch that, don't chase. Reach. Your dreams are closer to you than you think; you just need to reach out for them.

I will talk to you all very soon!! Goodbye for now :)