sunshine ☆彡 seokmin

sixteen

;;

Just like every single time, I'm always the last one to be picked in a game. Kickball. I enjoy it but no one seems to enjoy having me in it, much less having me be around.

It's raining as I walk around the track by myself while the other students play with the ball on the field. The coach is sitting in his seat and on his phone.

Thunder rolls overhead and I pull my hood over my head, shivering as the rain sprays my exposed legs and wetting my clothes.

I pass a group and they all hush when I walk past them. Their conversations were disarrayed but when they thought I was in good distance, I heard, "Don't feel bad. Look she's fat. You don't need to lose weight."

I walk faster.

I've been starving myself for a month and while it may seem like a stupid idea, I've lost a few pounds. Only a few. I workout a lot but when my jumping around shakes the television, I stop.

It hurts to be different from everyone. I'm fat and they aren't. I'm dark and they're light. I'm weird and they're decent. I'm introverted and they're extroverted. I'm poor and they're rich. I'm short and they're tall. I'm ugly and they're beautiful.

I listen to Korean music and they don't. I don't play sports because they make fun of me. I can't eat a meal without throwing up while they don't have to worry about a single calorie they eat.

I am outcast.

A whistle resonates to my left and I stop. "Sandoval." The coach addresses and I begin to tremble.

"Hurry your ass up. Walking slow is not an option. Either that or you okay with the students. Am I clear?" He stares at me as I look down at my scuffed shoes, the same shoes I found in the trash.

"Am I clear, Sandoval? Or will I have to write you up?" I flinch as he raises his voice at me and I find myself crying. Why does he have to be so unfair?

I look up at him, knees still quivering, and he scoffs when he sees me. "Why are you crying?!" He yells and I whimper out of impulse. A few heads roll to us.

He looks down at me and frowns and disgust is all I can see from him. "Did I hit you? No! Did I insult you? No! Now, quit your crying before I write you up!" My hood falls and I let the rain get on me. The coach yells at me from under a roof.

But the thing is that I can't stop crying.

A few kids laugh and some stay silent. I wish they would stop looking at me.

"Look, do you not speak English or what?!" He yells and I look away from him. He steps closer to me and I take a step back. I can't do this.

The coach grabs my shoulders and pulls me to him. I feel like I'm suffocating. "Hey!" He screams and my eyes are shut. "Coach!" Someone yells from behind and my lungs hurt.

"I'll stop! I'll stop! Just please stop hurting me!" I begin to panic and now I'm sobbing. The coach pushes me and it shouldn't have made me fallen but I do it anyway.

The coach looks down at me and I can't help but feel so small. "I'm writing you up." He says and I sit up, looking at my wide thighs. The coach walks off and none of us know where he's going.

I'm trying my best to control my breathing as the students begin to run towards me. I'm still crying and I'm shaking a lot.

"Hey, uh, are you okay?" A girl asks and I get up, shaking my head. She has blonde hair but I don't know her name. "Can you take me to the office?" I ask and my voice is barely discernible. She nods and leads on, pulling my hood over my head but it falls anyway. There's no use.

Just like everything else.

//

My aunt takes me home and when I get in the car, I don't even look at her in the eyes. She doesn't say anything. I'm still in my gym clothes but I have my bookbag with my clothes and binders.

It's 2:10 in the afternoon and it's storming now. I go to my room and close the door, looking around at what I call mine.

I look outside the window and wish I wasn't here.

I miss my mom and dad for some reason.

I wish I wasn't here.

I'm dripping wet and still cold.

My aunt opens the door and hands me some towels, including some saltine crackers. I don't know why but I smile at her. She smiles back and readjusts my glasses, standing in front of me for a moment before leaving.

My phone vibrates and I ignore it as I undress myself, trying my best not to look in the mirror but I do it anyway.

A single movement and I jiggle. My face is disgusting. I am disgusting.

My hands go to my thighs and I want to rip off the fat. Why are they so big? I sink my nails as I drag them across my flesh. I repeat the motion three times, four times, five times, and then I lose count. My flesh stings but it doesn't matter.

I grab my stomach and everything that is hideous about myself, running my nails and leaving trails of open skin. I slip on my clothes as soon as my fingers begin to stain with blood. My phone begins to vibrate incessantly, telling me that I'm getting a call.

The room is dim from the lighting provided by the window. I lay down and bury myself under the covers, reaching for my phone.

seokmin: hey did you hear that coach smith was arrested?

seokmin: idk why but dang

seokmin: hold on

seokmin: max

seokmin: MAX ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED? TELL ME YOU ARE OKAY. PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU'RE OKAY.
read 2:29 pm

     I would love to tell him that I am but unfortunately, I wasn't, nor do I think I ever will be.