No Wings To Fly

Chapter Thirty Five

I awoke. For a moment, I was happy. For a single moment, I forgot that Jay was dead. Then, it all came back to me. All of it.

I curled into a ball underneath the covers. My hand found its way to my chest where underneath I could feel the beating of a heart. Not my heart. Jay's heart.

A tear slipped down my cheek and splattered on my pillow. It had been a month from today. The day I woke up in the hospital, the day my world stopped. That was when I found that my heart was strong. That was when I found out that I would live. That was when I found out that Jay was gone.

You would never think that the one thing you wanted your entire life could turn into the thing you most regretted. But, it had. At least for me.

I was now living back at my old house, in my own room. Not the hospital room anymore. Though sometimes I half expected Jay to come running through the door with a giant smile on his face and plans of a beautiful day we would spend together. Sometimes I half expected him to come and wrap me in his arms when I was sad. Sometimes that was all I needed. But, that would be impossible. Now, it was just me.

I slid out of bed, eyes heavy with sleep, and made my way downstairs.The smell of coffee brought a new pang of sadness in me. Jay loved coffee. Everything reminded me of him now. I turned towards the sink and filled a glass with water instead.

Just then, my mom walked in. "Hey Honey."

I didn't respond and I trusted that she knew why.

"Bad day?"

I nodded and took a long sip of my water. My mom sat down beside me at the kitchen table.

"Are you in pain? Is your heart in pain?" My heart? Hardly.

"No. It's just... I had another dream about him again."

"Oh." She patted my back. "Well, Sam, if you need me, I'm always here."

"I know." I sighed and poured out my water.

I went to sit near the chair by the window, the one thing I had salvaged from my hospital room. The trees were ablaze with color now as autumn was creeping up. They might as well have been grey though. I hardly noticed anything now.

I was still very much in love with Jay, even though he was gone. Though he wasn't all the way gone. I guess he was right all along in that a piece of him would always be in me. Literally.

Every beat of my heart, every breath, reminded me of why I was still alive. Jay was always right. He kept his promise. Though I wish he didn't. James Daniel Reed saved my life. Though not in the way I expected.

Every night as I slept, I saw his face. A face full of emotion. Love, happiness, grief, courage. He always told me how strong I was. But it wasn't me being strong. It was him. Though I guess in the end he wasn't strong enough.

I sat there in the seat by the window, watching the world turn. And then, I saw it. A car I knew all too well. After that, a quiet knock on the door.

I opened it, heart going wild. Tears brimmed in my eyes and I struggled to breathe right. But soon enough I found myself turning the cold brass handle to the door.

"Sam." Mrs. Reed stood in the doorway.

"Hey." I frowned.

She tried to smile. "Um... I have something for you. I hope you can handle it."

I only looked up into her bloodshot eyes.

"It's about Jay."

I immediately stiffened.

"He left this for you." She took a shaky breath and placed an object in my hand. "I gotta go now, Sam. If you need me you can always call."

I closed the door and ran up to my room. When I got there, I slumped down on my bed.

Hot tears began to roll down my cheeks quickly. I clapped a hand over my mouth and tried to keep it together.

The object? My sketchbook. On the front of it was taped a note that read :

For my girl, Samantha Jayne White.

I opened my sketchbook. At first, the only pages were mine. My drawings, my poems. Then, something made me stop and stare.

There were notes from Jay.

I began to flip through them, exploding in a mass of emotions.

My body shook, tears fell, and my lips quivered. I could only sit there and read through them, over and over, weeping.