Fooled

Chapter 21

Damien,

By the time you read this, I'm probably half way across the country or even world. Before you even think about following me, know that by the time you locate me, I'll probably be in a completely different city. I know it's strange for me to say that but let me give you a little context. Everyone these past few months have been riding me on college. You want me to stay in a local community college. Oliver and Shelby want me to go with him to New York. My dad wants me to go the Four Year University that he and my mom attended like a hundred years ago. No one even considered what I wanted to do!

So what do I want to do? I want to travel. It's too early for me to settle down. I want to live life and just feel free to be myself, Damien. I can't do that around all of you but I can do it on my own. I've been saving up my entire life to go to college and I've decided to use that money to travel. Sure, eventually when I settle down I'll have to go to school but hopefully I make profit around the world to pay it off. Maybe I won't get an education at all; I don't know yet! I might even marry a doctor. I'm playing things by ear right now but what I do know is that I had to tell you somehow.

You asked me to choose between you and the rest of my life basically. You asked me if I love you. And the simple answer is that I do love you. Although I know you don't want to hear this, I love you but I can't choose you. You thought that I loved Oliver, but you saw the wrong part of the conversation. You saw him telling me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him but when I told him that I said it as if I was talking to Trent. Oliver is like my brother and I needed him because he made me feel cared for and safe. Although he meant it in a different way than I did, we do love each other. Now don't get me wrong, I tried to love him. I desperately tried to love him because he's the person I should be with. Oliver is everything my parents ever prayed for in my future husband. He's a loyal Christian man who adores me and I know would not only provide but take care of me. You are probably thinking that I ran off with him and we are now traveling the world together but you're wrong. The day before I left I told him that I can't be with him because choosing him would be selfish of me. How selfish would it be to choose someone that I don't even love? He's my brother and that's all he'll ever be. I'm not settling down. I refuse to be THAT girl.

Now you're probably mad because I didn't confront you and tell you like I did with Oliver but you don't understand the power you have over me. If I had told you in person what I chose to do could have convinced me to stay. When I found out what I was going to do, I knew I had to get the heck out of the city because you would have just as easily been able to make me stay with you. And If I know you, you're probably thinking that I'm doing all of this to get back at you for what you did to me, but honestly I'm not. I forgive you, Damien. It's strange to forgive someone who basically stole a part of me but on the other hand that was my mistake as well. For months I blamed you for everything but I've come to realize that it was also my fault. It was very much my fault for giving into temptation. I put myself in that position by being around you; by dating you thinking that I could be the one to change you. So if it isn't clear, I've not only forgiven myself but I have forgiven you. I'm not doing this to punish you or torture you.

You don't understand how much I love you. You were my first love and we did have this epic romance in some twisted way. God brought us together for so many different reasons. One of those reasons was because I needed healing when I found out my brother was killed. I needed someone who could understand me and being that you had almost lost your sister to cancer, we had that in common. I fell in love with the common ground we shared. I tried to convince myself that I loved the Damien that wasn't real (the pretend Damien) but I realize that I loved the Damien that only revealed himself to me. You could be real with me and that in a way made me feel special. You taught me that trust is earned and that through trust I can easily fall in love. It was easy to fall in love with you. You made me feel like we could bond over letting our guards down in front of each other. You made me feel like I didn't have to be strong all the time. The real Damien that I fell in love with is caring, charming, funny, sweet, a little arrogant, protective, and so much more. Which is why it is so hard for me to say goodbye to you; it is so hard for me to let you go but I know that it's the right choice even if you can't see it right now. I can't credit myself or this letter for all of these decisions and being able to let you go. I have to credit Dylan as well. There is a reason God brought me Dylan and I didn't see it until recently. He made me see that I could fall for someone else; he made me realize that there are more guys than just you. It may be awful for me to tell you this but although you were the first guy I ever dated, you're not going to be the last. I did have feelings for Dylan and I'm glad I did even though he was a complete jerk because it showed me that more guys are going to pursue me. You're not my one and only and I'm not yours.