complacent

sick

you know that point in time where you feel so sick that you don't want to do anything because every effort you put forth on this earth is spat back in your face and every attempt at love is all for naught and all the truth that you tell is black and riddled with sin and all the lies seem so beautiful and end up being everything you want so you understand the pain that you feel when you have to stop loving and stop feeling and stop living and stop everything because
no one
ever
stays as they should be for long
and every hope you have for a future
will be crushed in the hands of depression
because that is how I feel right now I am burning up with emotion and I am on the brink of deciding to off this whole life and isolate myself or to just keep ousting because he wants me to keep going but if there is no love what is life for and why do we live if we cannot connect to people and when your stomach is filled with so little and your heart is filled with so much and you burst over with tears and anger and longing and pain and hate for this wretched fucking world and all the people in it that it spills out in your eyes and words and intentions and no one cares and no one talks and we all just hide behind screens because it's fun because we're all afraid and today has been horrifying I don't want to see faces in the hallway that look at me I want silence and no one to know who I am I want peace I don't want that but I want love I want love and my friends aren't enough Even though I love them very much nothing suffices anymore and no amount of sitting here alone does anything and it's beginning to feel like everyone just pretends to like me and every person will just let me grow attached then sever ties so my thoughts all run together like this run on sentence but I cannot seem to stop it from happening because my mind, although it's getting better it's not fully better yet and my mind still wanders to the horrors my eyes have seen and the ghosts that have possessed my body and the shells of people I let inside me believing they'd have a pearl emerged out of their shell but it was just a hermit crab looking for a new thing to crawl into and just hissing and crying when I make it leave mine and my own mind will never be the same after emotional trauma and after pain like I've felt and my life is just an imbalance and that is all I feel like I am besides a burden and a handful but they say I'm so pretty pretty pretty and tear apart my choices and spit in my face and no way I turn is okay so I'll sit in this bed alone and cry about it because everything sucks.