complacent

what do feelings mean?

for one brief moment can you fathom that wishing pain would quell is not exactly how you would picture it. when you feel numb it's sorta like you trick yourself into thinking that all the love ran out. it's when all the pain goes away so does all the happiness. when all the hate disappears in the world, all the love is gone to. all the spite keeps people running just as love does too. sometimes lovers find more than just love, and in the calm, there is calamity. there is always a flip side and the universe must maintain balance, and to do so, it must lose balance. you can't have perfection without imperfection, and there cannot be a paradox without a normality. there will always be love in this horrible wretched world and some times it leaves but when it's meant to it will always return. sometimes every good thing you ever know is ripped to shreds and then you are left in its wake, sitting in tears.
But you'll pick yourself up because that is how it works in life. And if you don't pick yourself up, then you'll be picked up by someone else. I remember faintly, sitting in the ashes of false affection, when a wolf came out from the charred forest and he nuzzled against me. the world says to fear the wolf. they are not wrong, but the wolf is more than fear. you will find love in places you don't expect, in places you are brave enough to go by yourself.
although feelings seem transient, that doesn't mean they aren't a tangible thing. feelings don't just occur in your heart, or in your head. feelings are tangible. they are my body and your body and our lips, and the art I create and the way you walk and your eyes. it's like sewing. sometimes I'd like our limbs to always be together, since we are cut from the same cloth, but it also makes it much sweeter when we our bodies aren't always together. i know so much about you. I remember still the first time I was close enough to catch your scent. it was at the fair, and you let me wear your sweatshirt because I was cold, and you urged me to keep it. I wish I would've.  it smelled clean, and well worn, and it was warm. I remember how It felt to have you hold me, and help me. I wished sometimes that you'dve kissed me right then. when I kissed you, I felt safe. they say you should only date boys that make you feel safe. not giddy.
when I first held your hand, I felt safe. you always kept me safe, for no apparent reason to me. maybe I'm just really thick. which I know I am already, but it just hit me. I was in denial over what love was for months upon months when, and even when I met you, I should've known that I'd be drawn to you. you and I were both smart and young and lonely and needed embraces other than ones that were unfaithful. your eyes were hazel and I knew I liked hazel eyes. your hair was long, and I loved it. I remember my sun kissed skin and your track tan, and you told me you were a junior and you followed me and my father on campus. I thought you were hot, and even though it was May it wasn't too warm out, and I'm pretty sure I kept blushing... I wanted to know you but I also wanted to flirt with you, yet my father was there. and you said to yourself you'd probably never see me again and then we landed in the same public speaking class. I bullshitted my way through the whole class, making it out with a B+, and I liked the way you spoke. it didn't matter if you were nervous, I think that's when I knew I liked you. I don't know when. I guess...or just was always there. I remember the day that my previous relationship fell to shreds, and after crying all night, I went to class. it felt off. I knew I needed to talk to you. so I walked around and around in circles and I cannot remember who said hey first but it was so nice to talk to you...it made me feel happy.
i didn't cry. my red hair was fading but my fire was starting to grow for you.
those feelings weren't transient. they weren't see through, I just shoved them away.
maybe it wouldn't be the same if I didn't see you and talk to you. when I saw the fair grounds reflected in your john lennon glasses, I saw the world and now I don't have to see the hope for the world in glasses on rainy nights anymore. I see it in your eyes. I snuggle under the blankets in your room and I breathe in your scent. everything in your room smells like you. even when I get home, your scent is on my flannel shirt. I listen to my song and I wish I could be in your room and in your arms, sleeping safely.
I fell asleep that night and I held in my hands the hope for my future.
I see you and your floppy hair, and your holding a child and it's ours. I see your upper lip twitch slightly and you smile a bit, and you are speaking but I don't know what you are saying.  I see the light and the darkness, and I want to be alone together with you, because I see us in everything, and I see a life with you.
because you gave me a life.