complacent

part title

I saw you and you looked through me
I reached out to you, and you left me alone.
I held you in my dreams, but now, you haunt me
and now you leave me. you say the dark is beautiful
and oh, it is. as long as you have an angel to
guide you.
you left her. you took, instead a blade to protect yourself
and slit your skin
and said "I'm safe"
and let demons crawl inside you
when you should've been inside me.
you let darkness over come you, and saw through me like i was nothing
but I know you still care somewhere in that head.
I know you are on the edge of a building somewhere, or the edge of a razor or bottle of fireball. you want nothing more than peace.
death isn't peaceful.
it's destruction.
you saw me and said nothing. just that you didn't know the wifi password. and you went to get a subway and everyone showed up. I wish I would have read the text from my friend. maybe then I wouldntve gone in.
maybe then I'd not end up in an alley. maybe I'd not end up wanting you and sobbing into a person I barely knows chest and maybe I wouldntve been unable to sleep.
maybe if you understood that pushing me away doesn't keep me from feeling your pain. maybe you'd end up seeing me. and my light. instead of running to isolation.
but I get caught up on the what ifs and my eyes are red from bonfire and sometimes on nights like these I wanna know what it's like to bury your feelings into a drug or a drink. but I don't know much about either and I'd never do that anyway. Instead I get drunk on the thought of you coming back, your hands all on me like nothing happened. your arms around me, your lips on mine. and yet I can't think of anything else other that your dead eyes.
so I'm not drunk. I'm high on anxiety, stringing my stomach along for a joy ride because I'm not sick but I feel worse that I ever have.
so I regret every messenge I send you. every attempt to get you to speak.
I just want peace.