Anxious Player

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i just have to let myself out and tell you what it feels like to have anxiety. if you dont see the point here, just skip this part if you dont really care about me. having anxiety is like being trapped in your own thoughts, like me. i have catastrophic anxiety and i worry too much and i also have social anxiety, i also think in the unproductive problem solving. like for example, im just making the situation worst by thinking these negative thoughts. i know youre saying that why tf cant you just think positive tho-i cant. 
i literally cant think positive thoughts. and as a person who had their anxiety in the age of about 8 or 9 years old aka 2012 when everybody was saying oh the world is ending! yes im 12 now shut up, its just crazy because i dont ever think there is a solution--at least for me-- for my anxiety. just think of it that im now 12 y.o. about to turn 13 in november, with my anxiety still with me,and all the way till i die, which is an early age if i couldn't handle the pressure my anxiety has given me i couldnt talk to anybody about it because they dont know what im going through. i cant tell them the details because i literally might tear up telling them, which is happening rn im tearing up so badly. having an mu--more than a friend less than a relationship--is really hard. especially when he's in another country at the moment, it's hard for me to stop my anxiety from effecting me. 
unproductive problem solving is just having negative thoughts affect your problem solving. i bully myself a lot. yes, i say that. "you're such a whiny bitch, youre so fucking skinny, why arent you like her? youre so ugly. you do so much bad things to the world. why do you even exist."
i dont even think people with anxiety are given much attention. people think its just something you can deal with, but on the inside, i cant. i cant deal with it. i cant deal living with it. i cant deal with people who dont know what it feels like to have the mental disorder.
once something is announced in tv, like there will be an earthquake or something, i will have anxiety the whole night if i can. i couldn't sleep. 
my friends have tried helping me go through my anxiety, but it hasnt been that effective. people say it is okay, and i agree with them. but really, it isnt. it will never be okay. having anxiety is never okay. i dont have anxiety attacks, but i always have the shortness of breathing, i tear up all of a sudden and yes.
people told me to live my life to the fullest. and the problem is, i cant. i can barely go outside when i have my anxiety following me around. and i mentioned earlier that i had an mu, and everything i said wrong kept replaying and replaying inside my head and telling myself that i was such a dumb bitch for doing that.
having anxiety is like a million bubbles trying to get inside my head to fill it with thoughts that can be the worst scenarios for people with anxiety, and irrational and irrelevant to people without anxiety. when people tell me just be happy, i dont respond. no one gets how my anxiety works. i've told my friends, they said it will be fine. my friend told me just go to my happy place, but my happy place is just when i cover my ears when my anxiety comes. 
people tell me its just a phase. y'know, like being emo is just a phase. no, it isn't. having anxiety isn't a phase, its a disorder. my mind gets corrupted when i have anxiety. some days are good, some days are really bad. 
having catastrophic anxiety isn't easy for me. i imagine the things if i didn't exist, if the world didn't exist, and if i die, will people still remember me. if i die, will people still love me
if i die, will i always be loved and remembered by the ones who truly loved me. no one knows, which leaves me with this void inside myself.

sometimes i'm so curious about the answer to this that i wish i could just find it out myself by ending my life, but i cant.

here is a message for all of you.

do not end your life just yet. do not do it because you will be missing out on fun trips you will be having. you will be missing the ones you love. you will be seeing your loved ones cry on your coffin and on your dead body, not that i know how that feels like.

and now, i hope that what ever you are going through, you can make it. and i am also telling it to myself. 

whatever you are going through, we can make it together. you are not alone. tell yourself you are strong to fight.

thank you.

-frosty.