stronger together//frerard

chapter eight

The last week of vacation starts really badly. Sunday morning is very awkward and Gerard is already in the office when Frank wakes up, feeling tired and broken. Gerard doesn't even reply when Frank knocks on the office door and asks if he wants to come to Mass.

At the church, Frank sits on a pew alone, holding the pearl white rosary, but he keeps looking to his left hoping to see Gerard there. There is no one, though, and the church feels suddenly empty and scary without him there. Frank stays there for at least an hour after the service ends. He doesn't pray, doesn't talk to God or his grandmother, and he doesn't think about Gerard. He just kneels there with his hands tight around the pearl white rosary, his mind blank, and his lips pressed into a thin, tense line.

Back at home, Frank tries to get into the office so he can talk to Gerard, but the door is locked. There's a tight feeling in his chest and tears threaten to fill his eyes, but he swallows down his weakness and waits for Gerard to be ready to talk. He ends up sitting in the living room rereading parts of his favorite book, Brideshead Revisited. He needs to drown in something he knows really well, so that he doesn't think of anything else but how happy he is to have found this beautiful piece of literature early in life.

He has lunch on his own, listening to the loud noises coming from inside the office. Frank feels betrayed throughout the meal and he doesn't even finish eating, standing up and staring at the locked office door. He has his fists clenched in anger, wanting to knock furiously on the door and demand that Gerard opens up the door and talks to him, but he eventually just shakes his head and walks away. He needs a shower.

Later on, Frank leaves a note on the kitchen table stating where he's going, in case Gerard has forgotten that this was planned. He has a meeting with the band and their manager to discuss a possible nationwide tour. Frank only comes back around dinnertime and Gerard is at the table eating a salad, but the moment Frank comes into the kitchen, Gerard picks up his bowl and goes back into the office, ignoring Frank's purely cordial greeting.

the lock echoes through the house in between Frank's calls of Gerard's name.

In the living room, Frank eats nothing but a sandwich and watches a movie on repeat, one of his favorites so that he barely has to pay attention, until Gerard comes out of the office. While he waits, sitting on the couch, he doesn't give himself any time to think things through. He gets gradually angry at Gerard for hiding from him when something clearly happened last night, and tells himself that they can no longer live without talking about this. Gerard is going to talk tonight, whether he wants it or not.

So it's not really a surprise when Frank jumps up from the couch as soon as he hears the office door opening. He rushes after Gerard towards the bedroom and snaps at him, going straight to the point. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Gerard ignores Frank, though, taking off his sweatpants and sliding into the pair of shorts he usually sleeps in. "Gerard, look at me. It's been too long. You have to talk to me."

But Gerard still doesn't reply. He takes his t-shirt off and opens one of the two drawers on the lowest part of their closet, where he keeps his t-shirts. Frank squints at his back because Gerard won't turn around and face him, and that is not acceptable. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

Frank wraps a hand around Gerard's arm, forcing him to spin on his heels. They're finally face to face and the miserable look in Gerard's face terrifies Frank. He doesn't know exactly what he should do, but he's angry now and there's no way to stop the words from coming out. "You locked yourself in the office the whole day and didn't even go to Mass. You act like everything is normal when we're with our family, putting up a show for them like they don't need to know the truth. What's going on? Why didn't you let me touch you last night?"