Gently into the good night

Chapter 26- Calling It Home

One week later....

"Now we have only each other, like literally" Naomi says "Cheers to that" she says clinking our glasses.

"Something to cheer about" I say rolling my eyes and drinking my third vodka shot. We are at a pub near Naomi's house where we were supposed to have dinner

"Have you heard from him yet?" Naomi asks.

"No nothing, he told he would write but I don't he has the time for it. Have you?" I ask looking at Naomi straight in the eye.

"Uhm...One more please" she tells the bartender avoiding my eye "You just really need the alcohol to keep you warm, it's getting cold now. I can't wait for the winter"

"He did, didn't he?" i say nearly exploding with frustration.

"Well yeah but it was...."

"I think I have had enough for the night" I say "I'll pay you later" I get up and walk right to the door slamming it behind me. I feel so betrayed not jealous but betrayed. I feel lied to and hurt. I want home, I want love. I feel dead inside, he doesn't care. I hoped he would I thought he would but he didn't he doesn't. I hear Naomi's voice at the back, her voice is soothing but I cannot hear. She's loud but her words aren't clear. I am so absorbed in my own thoughts I can't hear anything besides the voices in my head.

"Please stop. I can't catch up" Is what I make out. I stop, literally freeze in my position. I know how it feels to be left behind I know how it's forgotten and the way I am taking my metaphor so literally is a sign of mental instability and emotional weakness.

"Look I am sorry about Chris maybe he's just busy" Naomi says.

"Life doesn't work that way. We say we are busy to things that are not our priority. Things that don't matter are not prioritised. Nobody is busy in the world, people are busy for things. If he cared he would at least write to me. I know he can't call but at least write or maybe a fax or something. I really don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold on to this" I say and begin to walk away again.

"Amelia...I.." Naomi begins to say.

"You've done nothing wrong and this has got nothing to do with you. I just need some time alone, some time to think" I say and walk away leaving Naomi on the street. It's best if she stops caring too, I can blame her for this. Isn't this what we do all? Blame things when things are not right in life, when everything is wrong. We play the blame game.

Everything feels terrible and when I wake up tomorrow I hope it's all a dream and that Chris is actually sitting beside me when I wake up. But there is no Chris there is nobody. I wake up, my body is aching. I somehow manage to go to the living room but all I am feeling is cold and I shiver inside my body.

I make some warm soup for myself, remembering that there is nothing to do makes me really upset. I can't call Naomi after what happened last night. I will feel ashamed and hurt again. I sit on the couch curling myself in the blanket I brought from the bedroom. It is raining outside and as I see. The cold is containing my body and I feel frozen. I am sick, I feel feverish and fatigue. I wish there was someone who would take care of me. My body begins to feel weaker as the hands of the clock proceed to midnight.

~*~

"What happened? You sounded worried on the phone?" Steve says taking a seat cross from me at a coffee shop.

"I needed to talk to you actually. Needed some advice." I say sipping my coffee.

"Oh what is it?" he asks looking a little worried.