Mask- a Supernatural fanfiction

Chapter 13: Regret Is Best Served Unwanted

... I can't believe I thought taking you in was a good idea! ... This whole trip was a stupid decision! ... I can't believe I thought this was a good idea! ... We should've never left! ... You're so naïve! ...

The words replayed in my mind over and over, and I couldn't stop the tears from rushing out.

"Catherine?"

I looked up to Jess who was standing in front of me now, her eyes brimming with tears. I tried to swallow my pride to answer her, but it came out in sputters.

"I-I ju-just wan- want to go to m-my room," I managed to say although my throat seemed like it was closing. The park suddenly didn't seem like a wonderland anymore and I just wanted to get out. Jess nodded and I started to walk back to the hotel. Sam left to find Dean and Jess took me into her and Sam's room.

I was lying on the bed on my side in a fetal position. The wave of tears passed after a couple of minutes crying into Jess's shoulder. I can't believe I thought taking you in was a good idea! ... You're so naïve! ... Everything just feels numb now.

Jess walked over to me with a cup of water in her hand and sat on the edge of the bed. I sat up next to her and took the cup. I drank gulps of the water until it was gone, but it did nothing. The sentences repeated in my head, again and again. I couldn't help but think I needed something stronger.

She rubbed her hand on my back to try to comfort me and I sighed.

"He regrets taking me in, Jess. What am I supposed to do? I think I love him. But he hates me," I opened up to her. She only took me in her arms again and hugged me tight.

"Oh, he doesn't hate you, Catherine. He's only frustrated about all the stuff that's going on. You know Dean. He doesn't know how to properly express his emotions," she tried to reassure me as she continued to hug me. I got up from the bed and she broke her hug. Maybe she was right, or maybe she wasn't. I wouldn't know. I mean I didn't know that he regretted that day so how would I know anything? I was starting to regret everything.

I paced in front of Jess as I ranted, "But what if he does? What if they never wanted to take me in? What if Sam feels the same way? What the hell am I supposed to do if he does!? I can't lose them! They're the only family I have, Jess!" My hands flew everywhere as I ranted, and the emotions were coming back. Jess stood up and held me in front of her.

"You're not going to lose them," she assured.

"Edward is going to do anything to get to me, Jess," an idea dawned on me and I practically whispered it, "maybe I should just give myself to him." It would be better for the majority. Sure, I was going to get hurt, but at least Dean, Sam, Cas, and Jess would be safe. It's the better option. Everyone would get what they want. Edward would get me, and everyone else will be safe. Plus, Dean and Sam probably won't miss me. I mean nothing to them. But as long as I'm alive and then some, I won't let them fight my battles for me.

"What!? No! Catherine, HELL NO! Have you lost your damn mind!?" Jess shouted at me. Her face was painted with surprise and anger and I looked at her with soft eyes.

"It's the only way..." I tried to explain myself, but Jess only interrupted.

"Catherine, for God's sake, we will get through this! I won't let him get to you! Don't go 'Jesus Christ sacrifice' on me!"

"This isn't your battle to fight," I countered softly.

"Dammit, Catherine! Yes it is!" she flung her hands in the air and ran her hand through her hair, "Don't you understand that we're family?! What did Stitch say? Oh yeah! 'Ohana'! 'Ohana' means family and family means 'no one gets left behind or forgotten'! We're Ohana, Catherine! Your battles automatically become our battles!"

I stared at her. She had a point, but I still thought giving myself up would be a better option. I didn't say anything more on it, though. Chances are they would have me on 'suicide watch' and there's no way I'm going to be able to give myself up with them up my ass 24/7. I nodded slightly and mumbled.

"Okay."

"Okay?!" Jess asked me.

"Okay." I lied a little louder so she could hear me.

"Okay." She repeated as she took a breath. Just then, Sam walked in the door and closed it behind him. He seemed a little angry, but when he saw Jess and me, he took a breath to compose himself.

"I found him. He's at the bar by the lobby," he informed us and I nodded. Of course that's where he is. Dean always had a problem with drinking when he was upset.

"I should go talk to him," I added. I felt Jess look at me and Sam stepped closer to me.

"Are you sure?" he asked. I looked up to him, his face was concerned, and I nodded.

"I need to talk to him," I informed them. I was going to tell him that he was right, and I would tell him about the dream I had last night. I promised myself not to hold any secrets against him–or just the ones I was comfortable with. Of course I wasn't going to tell him about my plan to leave, but everything else, I would.

Sam nodded and I walked past him.

"Be careful!" I heard Jess yell after me.

"I'll just be in the lobby!" I yelled back as I closed the door behind me.