Dear Diary

9/20/13

Dear Diary,

Maybe I was wrong, or maybe I was right, it seems like both. What I  mean is that when I said I wouldn't have a crash and burn like I usually do after I'm happy for longer than I should, I was wrong. But not fully wrong. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was during school, but I managed to fake a smile, laugh it off, and only tear up a little bit. The tearing up didn't have anything to do with it, or maybe it did. I'm contradicting myself.

I was tearing up because in English class, my teacher had us analyze poems/ song lyrics. Our project is to connect and find the meaning of a certain song. He had played Numb by Lincoln Park. He then explained how it connected to his relationship with his father, how they never appreciated each other, and in the end he became numb to any feelings associated to his father, which reminded me of my life at home. I think that's what pulled the lever and made me crash. The realization that it wasn't my mom that I was becoming numb to, it was my dad. Even though my mom works all the time now, she still tries to keep up with my life, unlike my dad who I barely speak to even though he's usually home when I am.

Anyway, the crash didn't leave me all broken and burned like it usually does, I managed to actually get through the day with barely any of those thoughts. That was until I got home. I've never actually cut before. I've had the thoughts, of course, but never this badly. Maybe it's from the feeling of numbness and how I want to be able to feel again, but can't find a way to. I need to stop thinking about that before I get myself in more trouble then I can handle.

On the subject of things I can't handle, those people who have no idea about the struggles of people who have attempted oe commited suicide. I was watching a video from one of my favorite youtubers, thatsojack, and it was about suicide prevention, and I remembered a little rant I wrote a while ago. I was mad because I saw a comment on How To Save A Life by The Fray, it had said 'People who suicide are cowardly, they are taking the easy way out instead of sticking it out through hard times. '

I'm angry about those people who have a wonderful life and scrutinizes everyone who commits it and think that suicide is selfish and cowardly, because it's not, it's the people who make them actually take their own lives just to not have to feel hated, mistreated, or not have any feelings left at all, those bullies are selfish and cowardly, they did it out of fun and for their own enjoyment, they made someone else hate their life and themself. Cowardly is not taking your own life, I'm not saying it's okay, but if that's cowardly, then what the hell do you call someone who drove someone to take their own life, for entertainment.

I can't even think straight anymore those people who have nothing better to do than drive people to take their lives, get your own.

If I keep going on about this, I might start having those thoughts again so, back to the song project.

I chose I Lived by OneRepublic. I was tempted to chose Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day, How to Save a Life by The Fray, or Apologize by OneRepublic, but I don't really want many people should know about my problems. That's what you're for my dear diary. I think I'm pretty good at hiding you. Everyone probably thinks I'll give up on writing in you, like I have with the past little journals. What they don't know is how much I actually need to write in you. If I hadn't started this when I had, I think that little crash, would've made me burn up so much I would've needed to jump into some water to cool off.

~J