Dear Diary

4/19/14

Dear Diary,

I'll write about a nicer topic. Well maybe not. It's the guy I used to obsess over. Gone like the wind is all what I used to feel. Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh, but then again, I think I should be because I think this is also bullying.

This was a while back, but I was so enthralled with studying for the ACT that I didn't think it was that important, but now, I feel the need to rant.

After a bit of self-searching, I know why I'm mad. I know why I hate the person I used to head over heals for. The thing I don't know is why I waited so long.

He's selfish. He's ignorant. He's someone I could punch in the face and not feel sorry about it. For lack of a better word, he's douchy. He's done it all year long. He's made fun of all the guys I talk to or feel even the tiny bit of affection for.  Yet I didn't mind, not a single bit, maybe because I was still so into with him that I never noticed, or I passed it off as friendly/brotherly protective-ness. 

All that changed when he made fun of the person that fixed me. Or fixed a part of me that I wanted so badly. I don't know what to call him on here because if someone finds this, I'll be dead, how about Scizzert. He uses that name for every game he plays, and I first became acquaintances with him through games. Though at that time I disliked him, I also begrudgingly respected him, in a gamer kind of way.

Now I respect him as an idol. I respect him in the way you respect someone for a quality in personality that they have. Scizzert did something that I didn't believe someone could do, not even myself. He made me trust again. You see 3 years ago I was starting to become popular and someone wanted me out so they took my soul and sold it to the devil. I never trusted anyone without knowing them, knowing their faults, knowing them so deeply that I almost hated them, or I did resort to hating them.

The part of me that wants to forgive the douche says that there was no way he could have known how important Scizzert is to me.  Yet another part of me, that has been winning so far, says that you can't hate on someone without knowing them. The side that has been winning also says that even if I hated someone, like I hate the person that broke me and the douche, I would never ever say they had no life. Wouldn't that mean that they shouldn't be alive. Maybe I'm reading too much into this.

I remember what happened like it was yesterday. Maybe it's because I think about it so much it's almost driven me to insanity, or maybe I've already arrived there. I was playing a game, one I didn't even know Scizzert played, and the douche walks with me and our other friend. We stop and wait for the bus like we do every morning.  He looks down at my phone, probably expecting to see Tumblr, which was the norm. Instead he sees Clash of Clans. He scoffs and asks,"Seriously?" I take it like a joke like I normally do. I chuckle, or was it giggle, since at the time I believe I still had that idiotic attraction to him. I shyly say, "Yeah". What comes next not only surprises me, but also pisses me off. He says, "Stop playing that, or you'll turn into _" The blank is Scizzert's real name. As soon as I heard and comprehended what he said, I turned and walked away.

First of all, I don't like being told what to do. Everyone knows this. That douche, who was one of my closest friends, should have known.That alone would've made me mad.

Second, he dissed someone he doesn't know at all. Someone who is constantly picked on, by people who aren't even his friends. Maybe I should explain how Scizzert fixed a part of me.

Scizzert is someone who I was not particularly close to. Now I sorta am, but like all the people I talk to online, I never speak to in person.I don't remember how we first started talking, but all I know is he is someone I trust. Why? Because he gave me a piece of him. And he trusted me to not tell anyone. Most people don't tell me things because I'm 'popular' and they think I'll tell anyone. Yet here he is, telling me things I wouldn't even tell the people who saved me.He told me about the so-called friends that always dissed him. He told me about the people who had no right to say anything about him because they didn't know him. He told me about the girl he was head over heals for. Never once did he question if I was telling anyone. Another thing is he never pryed. If I told him something he'd listen, and ask certain questions here and there but if I didn't want to respond, he respected that.

There are endless reasons for me to fall for Scizzert, seeing as how he passes all the criteria that I would have for someone I liked. Though my criteria isn't that hard. Someone funny, someone nice, someone that respects me. But something always stopped me. Something held us back as friends.

Now back to reasons to hate the douche.I walked away after he said Scizzert had no life. I walked away before I exploded with fury or cried. Or both, these were all highly possible. Why? Because he wasn''t worth it. My friendship with him, wasn't worth it. Though we had a strong friendship. Anything and everything can break. And bullies were what cut the rope on any of my friendships, no matter how strong.

After that day I'd like to say I never spoke to him again. But of course if life were that easy all the broken would be fixed. Unfortunately for me we share certain social circles, and I ignored him for less than a week before I forgave him. Why? Because I had not come to the realization that he was a bully, and that if it was legal I'd have stabbed him/her, but I didn't because he isn't worth jail, and that he wasn't worth a friendship. Of course, our friendship had not survived. I held an everlasting distaste for him. Unfortunately being in all the same classes meant I was bound to have to work with him. For an assignment in engineering, we had to build a mousetrap powered car.Sadly he was the only one left and I was one of the groups had an extra space. Though I wanted to let him work alone and let him see how Scizzert had a life since he had a full group, yet he couldn't even get a partner, the smartest person in the group, and the one who would do the most work was extremely nice and said to just let him. And so I did.

Though after the project my dislike for him turned into hatred. I just couldn't take it anymore. Now I refuse to waste a breath on  him. 

Then I found out how much of a fake he is. Since the entire first period waits for our teacher together, and he feels like Scizzert is the key to get on my good side, or some shit like that, he acts nice to him. I remember when we were going to take graduation pictures and Scizzert wore dress clothes, the douche went up to him and tried to kiss up to him. Unluckily for him, Scizzert has no clue about our loss of a friendship. Though it's not of a loss for me. He also decides to insult me. Doesn't he know my heart is made of stone and nobody can hurt me unless I let them?

Some people may think I'm being over dramatic, but maybe I am, maybe I'm not, who are they to judge?

-J