Save You (Lashton AU)

Chapter 3

Ashton's POV

[trigger warning..]

I went into my kitchen and sat my uneaten muffin, that Luke bought me, on the counter. I wanted to eat it, the light brown perfectly baked bread, tempting me. I fidgeted and shakily grabbed the muffin. I didn't want to eat it, but my stomach was begging to have something in it. I hesitated but grabbed it anyway and took a bite. I swallowed the food, even if I knew I was going to regret it.

Without realizing, I ended up eating half of it, feeling guilty after digesting it. Why did I just let myself eat that? I shouldn't have, especially since it might be high on gluten. "So much calories", I said to myself.

I ran into my small bathroom and locked the door. I live alone, but I have the need to lock the door. Just to make sure no one comes in. I went down on my knees and griped the edges of the toilet seat with both my hands. I looked down into the water and shoved my two fingers down my throat. My eyes watered and my throat burned, but nothing came out. I never did this, but the fact that I ate something so unhealthy made me want to try it. I tried again, but when nothing came out, I gave up. So much for trying out new things.

Getting up to wash my hands, I tried to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I don't like loooking at myself because Daniel's words always seem to resurface and start replaying in my head. But it's hard not to look, when the mirror is right in front of the sink.

Stop eating so much and go exercise.

You're disgusting.

You're not good enough.

You can't do anything right.

I don't love you.

I felt tears well up my eyes and before I knew it I was crying. The smallest things can trigger my tears, and I hated that. I take everything to the heart, and over think the smallest things, another reason to hate myself. I'm never good enough for anyone. I can't do anything right, not even throw up. I'm just a nobody and a waste of space. I hate how I can't live a normal life. I want to be happy. That's all I ever wanted, but my self-hatred overpowers the good things in life.

I hate who I am.

My vision was a blur due to the tears. I needed release, that's what I needed. I went to my room and opened my desk drawer. It's only been 3 days, but addictions are hard to ignore. Sometimes I just crave the small piece of metal to slide against my skin for no reason. I grabbed my small friend and retreated back to the bathroom. My tears just wouldn't stop. I leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. I didn't have time or energy to pull my jeans down, so I rolled up my sleeve. I pressed the silver object on my wrist and slowly slid it across my skin.

The slower the better.

The slower, the more it hurts.

The more it hurts, the more relief.

Small droplets of blood appeared on the cut and I shook my head in dissapointment. I pressed the blade to my skin, deeper this time. The blood apeared immediately and drips of it fell on the floor beside me. By now I finished crying, now that I released it in a way that's not safe, but I could care less.

I was about to do it again, when I felt my phone vibrate. I stopped what it was doing and checked who it was.

[ Incoming call: Luke (;]

I was slightly confused as to why he called me, he said he'll text me if he got lost. Why is he calling? Maybe it was more convinient for him. I chuckled sadly and picked up.