Pain makes people change
--------
SASURA
How many weeks has it been? Ah yeah, like a week or two. So it has been a month since I got to school. Arika still hasn't change. She still beats me up and I don't even care. I have so many regrets already. What's one more scar going to hurt?
And about Yuri and Kai? They kept quiet about the things between me and Arika. But that doesn't mean they have my full trust. What if they're also with Arika? Maybe they're just using me. Yeah, maybe they are.
I went early to school 'cause I wanted to take some shots from there. They really have a nice place to capture some photos so I'm gonna capture some. Why do I feel like... today's not gonna be a good day? I mean, yes, everyday of my life is not good. But this feeling's very surreal.
As I was about to capture a photo, when a wind passed by me. Then flashbacks started going out of my mind. Dreams always come back to haunt us.
"Hoy! Mga loka kayo! Hindi ako ready! Bad angle!"
"Kahit naman ready ka walang pinagbabago HAHAHA!" That was savage Shinan!
"Aba't!---"
"The truth hurts! HAHAHA!"
"Grabe ba kayo saakin! Lagi niyo nalang ako inaaway." Aba't nagdrama pa nga.
"Bakit kasi hindi ka gumaya kay Tsuya. Tingnan mo, laging nakatungo." Asar ko sakanya.
"Proud kasi ako sa beauty ko! Ako lang naman si Rochi Gamaari Maruji ang next top model!" Sabi niya at may 'pag taas pa ng kamay.
"Hoy! Mapanlait 'tong lokang 'to ah!" Imik ni Tsuya.
"Paano ka magiging model eh hindi ka nga makapag-suot ng bikini. HAHAHAHA!"
"INOJI!!"
"Inoji!"
It was just a flashback... And it always... Hit me. What happened to us? We were happy. Nothing really mattered. Oh yeah, why do I always forget? It was my fault. And I was asking what happened to us. Such a dummy, Sasura.
"And one day your name didn't make me smile anymore."
Ewan ko pero napaupo nalang ako sa damuhan. Parang nanghina ako bigla. Remembering them just makes me lose my sanity. My world is falling apart and everything is tumbling down.
"Sasura? Bakit ka naiyak?" I know that voice... It's Kai's.
Tinayo niya ako at hinawakan sa magkabilang braso ko. Nakatungo lang ako habang naiyak. Even my tears betrayed me. I told myself I wouldn't cry in front of anyone. Maybe he knew I wasn't gonna stop crying so he just hugged me.
"Can you just hold me please?" I knew he was shocked by what I just said.
"You don't understand. I just need you to hold me." Naramdaman ko nalang na tumango siya.
Umiyak lang ako ng umiyak. Buti nalang walang nakakita samin. Baka kasi kung anong isipin nila eh. Eh campus heartthrob pa naman 'to. Baka ako pa mapag diskitahan. Dahan-dahan akong humiwalay sakanya.
"Sorry. I just really needed someone to hold me. Sometimes I just lose myself to my mind. Sorry kung nabasa ko yung damit mo. It won't happen again."
"It's okay. Why are you crying anyways? Is it about Arika?"
"No. No, it's not about Arika. Arika's not involved with this."
"Eh bakit ka naiyak? Don't tell me napuwing ka. Ain't buying that sht." He doesn't need to swear -.-
"I'm terrified of the future. I'm scared of the present. And the past continues to haunt me."
Before he can even say a thing, Arika started running up to him while saying his name and she hugged him. I seriously don't know what's happening.
"Babe, I was looking for you!" And she looked at me. Glaring, even. "And you! What are you doing with him?!"
I knew it. He was on Arika's side. I knew he was just using me! Little do I know, Yuri is also with them. And he even had the guts to tell me to cure myself up?! And ask me if it was about Arika. How dare him!
Oh wait... It's all clear now. It's clear that he hates me too. He was asking me; expecting me to say shits about Arika, then he would tell her, then she'll beat me up more. And Yuri! She said I could trust her because she'll keep quiet.
But sorry, yeah I can lose myself to my mind sometimes--most of the time, but it all makes sense now. Everybody's against me. They also want me gone. Little do they know I also want to be gone. Because I live in a place where life is extinct.
I looked at them and I knew; they simply just didn't care. Tumalikod na ako sa kanila at nagsimulang maglakad papuntang classroom. Sabi na hindi dapat ako basta-bastang magtitiwala eh. I'm not safe.
While Jiama was discussing a paper appeared in my desk. Out of my curiosity I opened it. I didn't get to see who put it because I was really paying attention to Jiama.
'It's not true.' That's what's written on the paper. True? Who gave me this anyways? I just crumpled it and put it back in my desk.
I can see in my peripheral vision that Kai looked at me when I crumpled the paper. Hays. I wouldn't lie, for the past few weeks I felt like I know Kai. Like he would never hurt me. That he also knows me. Maybe I can't trust my feelings either.
-
"Did you know? Arika said that girl was with Kai?"
"Really?! What were they doing?"
"I don't know. Arika was really mad."
Well, so much for that. Are they really sure they were just whispering or are they letting me hear them? And now, I'm gonna experience much more from Arika. I didn't even know they were together!
I stood up leaving the canteen and went to the gymnasium instead. I do most of my thinking in here. Of course, because I know people doesn't come here during lunch. They mostly go to the garden or some places they find romantic.
Gymnasium brings back some memories. Every place does. It's still a miracle I can fight my mind. Because I'm losing a bit of myself to my mind everyday. We used to pull pranks at people in the gym. We even get to witness a proposal. And we we're just in back, like, 'I can't. They're too sweet.'
"I miss you. Please, come back." I whispered in the air.
Everything that made my heart beat is gone. They're gone. All because of me. I'm scared. I don't wanna move. Me, living, scares me. What if I will lose some more? Someone special again? I felt something inside me break and I knew I was never going to be okay again.
As long as the first tear doesn't fall I will be able to keep myself together.
"Sasura..." I saw Yuri not so far away from me.
Before she could even get near me I started running outside. If this is life then I don't want to live.
