Collection of the Best Jokes Ever

Jokes #1-30

These jokes are not mine so the credit goes to whoever made them. If you suggest a joke to me, I will put it under the Reader's section with your name. (Unless you do not want credit for it.)
Enjoy, add to your library, comment with your jokes and read on.

Joke #1
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity:  looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long?  Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner.  "You'll never hit her from here."

Joke #2
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Joke #3
I went to a zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

Joke #4
I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me how to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Joke #5
The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other one was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Joke #6
I went to the doctor's office and said, "Do you have anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.

Joke #7
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

Joke #8
I saw this bloke chatting of a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one."

Joke #9
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Joke #10
There's two fish in a tank and one says, "How do you drive this thing?"

Joke #11
I went to buy some camouflage trousers today but I couldn't find any.

Joke #12
When Susan's boyfriend proposed to her, she said, " I love the simple things in life but I don't want one for my husband."

Joke #13
My therapist says I have a preoccupation about vengeance. We'll see about that.

Joke#14
I rang up British Telecom. I said, "I'd like to report a nuisance caller," he replied, "Not you again".

Joke #15
Slept like a log last night.... Woke up in the fireplace.

Joke #16
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here".

Joke #17
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I phoned her up and said, "Did you get my drift?".

Joke #18
I cleaned my attic with my wife the other day. I still can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Joke #19
Commas save lives. Example-
Kids: Lets eat Grandpa!
Kids: Lets eat, Grandpa!

Joke # 20
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Joke #21
I was in Tesco's and saw this man and women wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

Joke #22
I'm in a great mood tonight, because I entered a competition and won a years supply of Marmite....One jar

Joke #23
I went to a restaurant and a chicken came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Joke #24
Four fonts walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Oi-get out! We don't want your type in here"

Joke #25
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered table cloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

Joke #26
There was a man who entered his local paper's pun contest... He sent in ten puns In hope that at least one would win. Unfortunately no puns in ten did.

Joke #27
I swear the other day I bought a packet of peanuts and it said, "may contain nuts". Well, YES. That's what I bought the buggers for. You'd be pretty annoyed if you opened it and a sock fell out.

Joke #28
A load of tortoises crashed into a train load of Terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

Joke #29
I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris" He said, "Eurostar?" I said," I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Joke #30
My phone will ring at 2 in the morning and my wife will ask, "who it is calling at this hour?" I always respond, "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone".