Unfinished

Daddy issues

Well shit .. When did it all go wrong ?

Im pretty sure behind every stripper, hoe , prostitute & woman with trust issues is a little girl with daddy issues. I honestly never understood how a man could bring kids into this world and not wanna be involved. As if they didn't matter. As if they weren't apart of him, especially a daughter.

Every little girls first love is her daddy. Mines was. A slick talking Mixed nigga with 13 kids. He could literally sell water to a fish, that's how much of slick talker he was. Growing up my dad like many deadbeats made promises he could never fulfill. Plenty nights I waited for him to come and he never did, plenty birthdays he missed and the craziest part of it all was, in my 20 years of living he never apologized. As we got older he got worse. He blatantly would explain he didn't care, we would either take him or leave him .. Shit after a while, I learned to leave his ass, my mentality was like .. I wouldn't fight for a random man to love me out on the streets.. What the fuck is the difference? Especially after my confidence began to explode, like little bitch ion need you. He'd make me question myself and my beauty, shit for him I was too tall.. Too dark.. Not mixed looking enough. When you deal with that from your own father, what the fuck is a couple insults from some random bitches online? Girl bye you don't know the half. I didn't think of it like that till I got older though.. Cause man that shit used to affect me. Takes a lot to knock a bitch down now though.

I watched my dad cheat on multiple girlfriends, he had no problem taking his kids on his cheating expeditions. Kind of like a field trip. He'd be in one bitch car going to see another, I think that's where my trust issues formed.. How could someone not care about the feelings he was hurting? How could he not care about letting his daughters see him treat females like shit ? Trust me that mental image never left me.. I think without knowing I became like one of his many girlfriends, out here believing in these wack ass men.. Convincing my self that my man wasn't in another bitches face.. Shit he love me .. Are you dumb ? No sis. I was. After a while I had to sit and laugh at my self.. Like bitch you know damn well he cheating! You've seen it before !!!!!

My oldest sister turned out gay, I blame that on my father, I think he fucked up her outlook on men. My brothers in and out of jail, I blame that on my father, they're realer than he could ever be though. My other older sister has been using niggas since she was old enough, I blame that on my father .. & me? I'm heartless. Shit let's blame that on him too.. I think growing up I had different relationships with my siblings. Loving them all on different levels. I really took towards Ji & junior more. On one level Ji was younger, and I got to watch her come into her own.. I got to watch my father break her heart like he did mine, it made me want to protect her at all cost, but shit what you gonna do in another state? Junior and I always had a relationship stronger than Mimi's shower rod. It was like we were both outcast. Its like I followed his path in beautiful destruction , he was true to himself. He did things that made him whole, he wrote words , he had long nights he couldn't remember, he seen more to life than other people could, and I think it was the path paved for me cause eventually I took the same one. We both ain't give a fuck either.. Shit take us or leave us, and that was it.. That was our mentality, learned from daddy of course. As years passed and we became older I would come to him and tell him everything. His little sister was a ho & he was a gay black man .. Shit this is the modern day family.

My mom was one of his baby mothers that took no bullshit. He would beat on majority of the women he was ever with.. Never my mom. I'll never forget one day shit got heated in my house and she told him
" leave now, or you gonna leave here in an ambulance "
For some reason he didn't believe her. She started boiling a big pot of water, I was clueless as to what was going on, she was extremely quiet as she boiled it, quick reflection though.. If your woman ever gets this quiet.. Especially a BLACK woman , leave nigga ! he continued to rant and rage.

" bitch I'm not going anywhere, until everything I own comes with me! You think you a match for me ?! "

I had to be only like 5,6. My brothers held me as he continued yelling slurs at
My mother, ill never forget thinking.. A man ain't gon ever play his self like that with me then all of a sudden his slurs turned into the loudest scream I ever heard. Till this day I can still hear it.. My mom had stabbed him and was about to throw boiling hot water on him. Then after all of that, she dragged him into the hallway and locked the door. The cops never came. I waited for them to come and lock her away for life. I cried for hours thinking my dad was dead. Daddy wasn't dead. And mommy was a real bitch. After that I said to my self, this is the woman's who's DNA you have !! You are %50 bad bitch!!!!!

My siblings mother would force my dad to be in their lives. She'd drop them at his doorstep and leave, for a while I hated my mother for not doing that. Force him to love us ! My mother would always tell me you can't force someone to love you. You can't force a man to be a father. I'm never gonna put y'all in that situation. Now that I'm older I love her for that, I learned to love my self despite the lack of love I got from my father. I found love in countless friendships, I found love in myself. The worst thing you can do is stop loving because of someone who's hurt you. Love hard. Don't stop trying to give love, as humans that's what we're destined to do. We're destined to give love. Your heart isn't as fragile as you think. It can take a couple of blows, trust me. Forgive your daddy and move on.