Unfinished

Legacy

When it's all said and done.. who will you be? What will they remember you for?

This whole time I was running from my self. My problems, my self image.. honestly after 2013, I felt damaged. I wasn't. I was just a kid who made a mistake or two, instead of dealing with them head on, instead of redeeming my self and moving on I made it worse. I created this image of a self righteous bitch that was unstoppable.. in reality I felt like I had to. I felt like I had to turn the negative into a positive, I had to create my own meaning to the word Ho, I had to be different. I did. I created all of this.. but I was severely unhappy. Instead of fixing myself, I never did. I locked up my feelings and convinced every one that I didn't have them.. which lead to the many issues I've had with men. Then when I opened my box of feelings I gave them to those who didn't deserve them, those who didn't deserve me. I never took the time to forgive my self. I blamed my self for Kayden's death, I blamed my self for everything that went wrong. I thought it was me taking responsibility, but I was really just killing my self.

When Kayden's father died, I was sad. I was angry at my self for being sad. This nigga was never there for you! He didn't care about you! You dealt with a dead baby by yourself! Those were the constant thoughts ringing in my head. Truth be told, I hated him. I didn't forgive him till he died. I had to let go of that hurt and pain that I held towards him.. with that came along his brother.. I feel like we grieved together. We hurt together. I ended up fucking with my baby fathers brother that whole summer of 2014. For months after I justified it as being okay because I was grieving.. truth be told it was the worse thing I did and it was pure hoetry!!!! I felt like to make things ride I had to ride harder than I ever had. Anybody who disrespected my baby daddies memory got disrespected by me, 10x worse. Eventually it would lead to the scariest night of my life.

2014

Me and Cleo and our other friends had the longest day possible. We some how got stuck in white plains in the mall and spent that whole day doing nothing but wandering around and eating. When we finally all reached back to the Bronx, we decided to hit a party. Me and Cleo was more skeptical than any one else, we both were very disliked by a lot of people. We could fight. We were more worried about the guns. We pushed it to the back of our heads and went anyway, we remained alert the whole night. When it was over we felt eery, like something bad was just bound to happen which made us rush home. We went our separate ways and I headed up the hill to my house since the party wasn't far at all. As I began walking a car began to slow down, I paid it no mind really, cabs did that all the time.

I heard " Bella " & I turned my head at the mention of my name being said wrong. Once I turned my head down came the window and out came the bullets. My adrenaline stopped me from freezing, I ran down a block as they followed unloading different bullets aimed horribly. I zipped into a drive way dropping my phone and hid between a garage and fence. I hoped and prayed a porch light wouldn't come on revealing where I was. My heart sounded like it was connected to a surround sound speaker. As I sat there as quiet as I'd ever been, I contemplated how I got there. I laughed to my self as I thought about how it all got like this from me sticking up for someone I didn't even like .. for some one I only felt bad for. My thoughts came to an end when I heard the car stop and feet get out, I was hoping and praying they didn't see my phone I had dropped on the way in, I also hoped it didn't ring or make any noise. God saved me yet again as police sirens started to ring in a distance, I heard the car drive off and I sat in the corner and cried to my self.

When I got home and called Cleo she was mad, mad that I didn't just come home with her, mad that I was alone and mad that I almost was taken away. Thank God for their horrible ass aim. Bitch ass niggas.

As I look back now, I say to my self damn belle were you cursed? One bad thing after another. What I've realized and accepted is, if I hadn't gone through what I did I wouldn't have grown through it.

I think part of me not mentioning who my brothers were, was about me having my own name. I didn't wanna be known as any ones little sister. I wanted my own legacy. I made that. I've been head to head with grown men and still haven't folded.. people are more scared of my bestfriend then they are of men. I took what my brothers taught me and made it on my own. In each situation I've been through I'd say To my self, just call your brothers. I rarely did. I wanted to handle it myself. I've made whole neighborhoods hate me, and still went there. With all my trials and tribulations I think I've earned my confidence. I've earned my self esteem. I've earned all this shit because I've been dragged through the fucking wringer again and again, and I made it out. Me & Cleo dealt with it one situation at a time, creating our own name and legacy. Respect isn't given it's earned, we earned it.