Unfinished

Lidocane

Remember that feeling you'd have when you had a toothache or something and had to put numbing cream on it? And it was such a weird fucking feeling but for some reason you liked it ?

2016
November had kicked my ass, I was fired from my job. Cree became a bitch nigga & I was getting my heart broken all at once. I never had been a heavy drinker .. I could take it or leave it. I don't know what persuaded me to even get drunk, but I just remembered wanting to feel that numb.. that soothing weirdness. I wanted to disappear. Usually upon my depression I'd throw myself to someone having meaningless sex that only left me more sadder than what I was at the start. I needed a new high. I needed a new way to feel, but then I realized, shit I'm feeling way too much already. How do I stop feeling? Then I drank.. letting the burn soothe my pain, quick enough I was in another planet. I cried a lot when I was drunk, but somehow I was still numb. I felt like the pain was escaping me with each swig, I'd put on some R&B and sing my soul out. It would be, me , my liquor & Mary J. All going through something, together.

In those drunk moments my life would flash.. everything that could've Led me to this very moment. I often thunk about the men I hurt.. in my life I would come across one guy a year who genuinely liked me. For me. I just couldn't figure out why, I know you heard about me.. I know you received a warning. What do you want? Are you begging me to break your heart? And I did. I would use them. Act like I cared. When they moved on slightly I would text them with a long paragraph stating how much I missed them.. I became all the men who had ever hurt me. I'd use all the tricks. Soon enough I'd have my loser back in my hands like silly puddy, to play with and shape as I pleased. I had this one guy sending me four page letters every month confessing his love to me, I would laugh. Like literally fucking laugh and think to my self .. does he not know me? Why doesn't he see how horrible I am?! Fucking idiot. He deserves this. Then there was another guy, I knew he loved me. He'd try to hide it but all his actions would say it, and I took any opportunity I could to hurt him. I wanted him to feel pain. Pain because of me! I fucked his bestfriend and told him it was his fault, because he never confessed his love for me. Like a fucking dummy that he was he fell for that shit, he apologized to me! He was sorry that I fucked his friend! It felt good to hurt men the way others had hurt me, and of course some could say .. " but they didn't deserve that" shit, neither did I. I became the girl who created the dog, now they would never trust and love again for time to come and it was because of me. All the hurt girls down the line would be because of me. Now we're all broken. We're all hurt, because of love. It made me feel better. It fed my wounded heart to know I was causing the same pain others had caused to me.

When I was drunk those were things I thought about and I started to wonder if this was all my karma ... the thought made the pain deeper. Cleo had been visiting me for a week and a half but when she left I was all alone, there was no one but me and my feelings and I had to drown them out in any way I could. I'd mix light and dark liquor, put vodka and codeine cough syrup in my hookah base, chopped up weed with my shisha & be in another world. I'd be in my room half in a coma, running from all the feelings that would dance in my head and stomp on my heart and sink in my stomach. I wanted to be free of it all, what I was going through wasn't explainable. It wasn't really complicated either. It was just " listen my life is crumbling right now " but if I was to actually say that, no one would understand. They wouldn't get it .. " but how? Tell me what's going on? " & how do you really explain that?

I tried to bounce back. I tried to finally have sex again after my triple heart break, a guy I'd been fucking with for years low key had called me like " you hungry? I'm at Wendy's. What you want ? " and I already knew that dick came with that order. Shit I was down! I was ironically already dressed and ready to go, I was gonna give my Pussy away tonight. I had seen him and ate my food. We talked and caught up, but when his hands started moving around I became mentally sick.. I couldn't fuck this man. My heart was still broken, this wouldn't heal it and this wouldn't help. I lied and said I caught a stomach ache and he took me home, just like that I started to realize this shit was deeper than I thought. I was actually fucking going through something. A mid life crisis at 20.. then all the people my age who drowned their own shit out with Perky's and lean and all the other drugs started to make sense. We were all running from something.. all hiding from what was going on around us, we couldn't leave physically so we wanted to mentally. It started to all click. But I also became angry as fuck! I'm stronger than this! I'm not a weak bitch who has to hide my feelings or emotions ! They don't go away unless you face them. I started healing by forgiving, not starting with my recent issues, but going all the way back to the source. My father. My first love. I forgave everyone in order. Just like that my heart felt lighter, sorrow no longer hung over me like a looming rain cloud. I was ready to accept real love. I was ready to move on and start over.