Unfinished

Vessel

A lot of people assumed I didn't have a heart, their assumptions being solely off of me acting like I didn't. I thought by doing that I was protecting it.

I don't know who taught me that acting like you don't have heart saves it but boy were they FUCKING wrong! When you act like you don't have a heart, people treat you like you don't have one. They shit on you and do wicked shit to you and assume you won't care or wouldn't feel it, I think that's what bothered me most because I felt it. I felt it hard man. I felt that shit in my core, heart break felt like drinking whiskey for the first time straight. Just fire burning through your whole fucking body.. eventually you get used to the burning, and then there you are numb. The heart you claimed you never had getting smaller in size from the painful ass whiskey.

As I analyze a lot of my relationships now I wonder if my acting as if I didn't have a heart had a lot to do with the downfalls. I think it did, people feed off of you. Whatever you put out, they pick up and go from. Like if you let a nigga fuck you and you ask for nothing more and act like sex with no strings attached is okay, that's what it will be. You will now be a fuck buddy. The misconception comes in when he finally gets a girlfriend and you're sitting there confused and heartbroken wondering why you weren't good enough, not remembering what kind of situation you agreed to. Shit sucks.

KYE

I think I met kye somewhere in 2012 at first, I was fucking with his friend & Kye some how thought he'd be able to fuck too, I shut that shit all the way down. I hadn't paid him much attention, a couple messages here and there... nothing really major. Fast forward to 2014, me and my friends were being petty as always and they sent me on a mission (I think that's in Never land )

When we first met after all those years I didn't expect us to click.. when I say we clicked man we fucking clicked. It wasn't shit no one could tell me about that man. I knew everything about him even if he didn't know.. I was so in love with him, he was one of those who had a rough life and he didn't let it break him, he had a by any means necessary demeanor and that shit always fucking attracted me!! I never had to go through that, I was coddled through life, a parent who pretty much gave me whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. So to meet people going through this whole " I don't have nobody but me" shit intrigued me. The man had my whole heart and till this day I don't think he knows that. Any time we laid together I'd study his whole face, I'd randomly smile while looking at him, looking awkward as fuck. But I was just so happy to be in his presence. Just laying there made me happy. He randomly friend zoned me making me his " fake bestfriend " whatever that meant. We had cut out sex completely and I got over it, fuck it we can do that.. then randomly we started fucking again at random moments. A few weeks after he was trying to fuck with jade and he couldn't figure out for the life of me why I was upset ... I felt like he was doing it intentionally to hurt me. I felt my heart break, its like wow you don't even care that you're hurting me. The whiskey feeling came in strong. I spent days in a rut, sad, hurt , confused, shit angry ... and you know what? The wind fucking blew me back to his house and into his bed. I was mad as Fuck at the wind. How dare you !!!! I think I needed that though, because the feelings weren't the same. I didn't care to stare at him and bask in his energy. I was more so annoyed and disgusted.. I was officially done.

RYAN

Ryan's in the first book but I don't think I ever went into detail. This love hit me differently. It was the I hate that I love you kind of love that kept you on your toes.. it was that " we argue every day and hate each other but I wouldn't wanna do it with anyone else " kind of love. We were complete opposites of each other. Like naturally we hit it off because of my humor but till this day I don't know how it got so fucking deep. Ryan was aggressive with everything he did, and a lot of times he made me feel like fucking shit. He loved playing victim sometimes like I was the worse thing to happen. I think a lot of the times he forgot when we met he had a whole girlfriend and I helped him through that whole breakup & he basically shitted on me fucking with everyone but me .. and eventually I emotionally detached myself and was doing what I wanted to and fucking who I wanted to, but whenever Ryan found out he'd make me feel so bad about it. I'd cry, because I loved him. Like 2013 was about social media and Ryan okay? Till this day I have love for him.. I feel like we kept hurting each other to see who could be the last standing.. blow after blow seeing who would win. I had sex with him because I felt like it was necessary, it was years later and after everything I did I felt like it was owed to him and what's crazy is after that I felt even worse. Everything I ever did hit me like a ton of fucking bricks..you loved this man and you did all that other shit to be spiteful. He'll never respect you. I don't think he did, we maintained a mutual love but I think Ryan sees that I'm no longer the girl he met.. shit I don't even remember who she was. 2016, I finally let Ryan go in my head. Like I was done with the blaming my self and hurting my self trying to be on his good side and was like fuck IT what's done is done ! Go be a bad bitch! Ryan I love you kid. I see you. Keep being great, you deserve everything.

TERRELL

in the last book I talked about Terrell, but this was the worst " love " I experienced. I met him when I was 14 & fell deeply in " love " with him. I use that term so loosely. He had me hooked fucking early. No one mattered. He would do me so fucking dirty over the next four years, he attacked me so bad mentally that I felt it physically. He would make me high by complimenting me and making me laugh but at the switch of a button he'd put me down so low with insults and slurs that I couldn't believe this was the man I loved. This was who I seen me marrying and having kids with, he almost laughed at the thought. He'd never take me serious.. eventually I was okay with that, I was getting older, coming into my own.. so I moved on.. but of course he reappeared acting like he loved me, he missed me & bitch I fell for it so hard. We were back at square one with him doing me dirty, he'd say no one would ever be with me or want me, I'd never have friends, I'd never be happy.. bitch I'd be in my room feeling those words cut at me like daggers, taking apart my soul and my mind with each slice. Like I couldn't believe what I was going through at only 18.. I finally found the strength to leave him alone for good. He'd randomly text me pics of his girlfriend and them together to hurt me and after a while it became funny. She got pregnant and aborted his baby and it was public and I was screaming ! Y'all was just so happy and about to get married! like why she threw your baby away? Bitch ass Nigga.

I think for some men it's an adrenaline rush.. to hurt women. To see them sad, broken & down. I don't think men ever fully realize how much of ourselves we give to them when we love them. They don't know how many nights their the first person mentioned in our prayers, or how we think about their struggles more than our own. These men walk around with pieces of our hearts, wearing them on their body like prized possessions, trophies of all the girls they stole from.. all the girls they left confused and broken. You know what's the best part of it all though? Men rarely fall in love.. but when they finally do.. most of the time karma hits them like a fucking brick. A woman comes along made out of all the broken hearts before her and she shits on him. Leaving him hurt, confused & hating females. It's funny to me, how men can't handle what they dish out.

Moral of the story.. I have a heart .. I've loved, I've been broken, I've been low, I've been hurt, I've thought I could never love again but here the fuck I am shitting on these niggas! Do not close your heart from love man! You'll get through this shit. You will be fine. I promise you. Once you leave him alone don't look back sis, nothing is back there but regret and bull SHIT. Only look forward.