Unfinished

Journey

I often think about what message I wanna put across when I write something. What do I wanna say? What do I wanna teach? Where's the lesson? Sometimes there's no message. Sometimes you have to find your own. Sometimes you have to make the words relate to you. Sometimes you have to search for your own lesson.

For all the young girls reading this book, the message is not to be a ho. The message is not to have sex without regrets, the message isn't to be a carefree slut. This is simply my journey, this is how I chose to deal with everything, please remember every action has a reaction. I can't tell you to love your self and to have self worth because I'm still searching for the meaning. I'm still learning to love my self, I'm still learning. With this book I realized till this day I never stopped and forgave myself, I never stopped and started a relationship with me. I often feel misunderstood by people and i feel like my signals always get crossed but in reality I am responsible for that, I never took the time to understand my self. At 20, I'm doing that. It's never too early or too late, forgive your self, love your self and let everything else go. Everyone's happy isn't the same, everyone's goal isn't the same.

I think I'm reaching my happy, I'm doing what I love and I'm surrounded by love. Value the experiences you go through, whether it be good or bad, it's for a reason. I've been through so much in three years that each time I thought it would kill me, after each heart break I swear that would be the one to do me in and stop me from living. I laugh about it now because look at me, I'm still here, I'm still living, I'm still loving and I'm still getting played like a damn fool, in due time we'll fix that though. You have to really go through it to grow through it. The worse part about love is seeing people get to walk away with yours. They leave with your love while you're broken, but I assure you the love comes back, in folds.

So in the end, let's sum it up. I've made mistakes, I've lost a child, I've been irresponsible, I've been battered, I've been broken, I've almost died.. a couple times, I've had fake friends, I've loved, I've lost & I'm ONLY 20. So believe me when I say, life goes on, I have so many years of mistakes and heart break ahead that it's ridiculous, I don't want any one to be like me. I want my journey to help others realize that they're on one too, I want them to see that even though everything is going bad for them right now, life goes on. That's my message.

Friends don't stick around forever, some are meant only to be stepping stones and lessons. Realize the real ones when you see them.. if it weren't for Cleo I'd be a different person. Cherish your friendships, sometimes they're your only family. Don't be afraid to break the mold and do what you want. Fuck who you want, live how you want. Also remember that everything comes with something. In my personal experience I've learned that sex takes away from you , it takes pieces. You give pieces to the undeserving, they get to say they've had you.. they've experienced you, when they never loved you. That's the true pain, when it's all said it done, sitting down and realized all the people who you gave pieces to but didn't deserve them, not only in sex but in life.

Sometimes I think back to Lucifer, I think back to that situation and it puts a pit of hate in my stomach, I don't think I'm mature enough to forgive him yet. I thank him though, it helped me understand millions of other women who go through the same thing. It made me feel vulnerable , weak, and stupid all at once. I have this friend, Cam, who's going through the same thing.. and it's like no matter what she'd go back, it would make me angry. Why don't you see this isn't health! This isn't okay! After laying on a floor with blood leaking from my ears, I realized.. I was her. I had to be her to understand her. Maybe her journey with him isn't done, but I pray when it is she leaves alive. It's hard to tell other people how to live their life .. especially when yours is barely in order. With pain comes wisdom though, I do know that. Maybe that's why I'm so fucking wise.

Aubrie

At 16, when I went through different losses, it changed me, mainly aubrie's death, he had gotten hurt way before December when he actually died. I had met him through my cousin in law, she was his sister. Something about him made me fall in love almost instantly. I was 15, it wasn't any thing major, but I cared about him. We'd spend hours laughing about the dumbest shit and he'd always randomly drop some smart shit and I'd be confused as hell like
Bro where did that wisdom just come from? I loved everything about him, I don't know what made him feel the need to be in a gang, he was truly too smart for it. I don't think I'll ever get my answer either, he never backed down from a situation even when it was dangerous. On my 16th birthday, Aubrie was the first to say happy birthday . He texted me saying it, inboxed me saying it, tagged me saying it and posted it on my wall, he wanted to make sure I knew he said it, I didn't know that would be our last actual conversation .. in the wee hours of the morning the day after. Aubrie was jumped and brutally beaten, but the fighter he was didn't let him die. He lived, I'd see him in the hospital and felt mad, why did someone I know have to go through this? When his sister told me he passed away it wasn't the " oh I knew he was going to feeling " that most had. I was angry, because damn it Aubrie you were fighting.. you were gonna make it. Why the fuck would you leave us? I think that was my first real heart break and it wasn't even his fault.

I felt for a long time that my life was one just filled with pain and sadness.. I wondered when the rainbow would come after the rain. It's like it just never showed up, one bad thing after the next. It was annoying. I was tired, I felt like I had no more in me to give.. as I type this.. I'm alive, I'm truly a testament.

Follow your journey. Don't let it kill you. You got this.

Aubrie told me .. " Life is one hell of a party, you might as well dance "