Unfinished

Puppet

I think it's easy for people to have these high expectations of you because they don't really know you. They expect you to be one way when in reality you've always shown that you're another.

I feel like I've always showed my true colors. I've always shown who I was. At least I've tried to. However sometimes you just wanna please people and it stops you from being yourself. People often tell me I've changed when in reality I haven't. I just broke out from the strings they were using to move and control me. I let self love and assurance built me a scissor & eventually I was strong enough to lift it and cut all ties. It's hard when you wanna be perfect for everyone, when you wanna be exactly what someone needs at that moment.. a lot of times in doing that we actually sacrifice ourselves and our own happiness. So when you finally become you, you in all your happiness, you in all your glory and mistakes, you'll tend to hear an occasional " wow, you've changed ". You haven't changed. You broke free.

In a lot of my friendships and situationships I was the puppet. Moving and doing at someone's else's whim. It got tiring.

What I've learned though, it's okay to not be someone for everyone & sometimes you just gotta be you, for you.

Quincy

I met Quincy around 2013, it had been a long year. He was disrespectful and cute, just my type. Like a dummy. I'll never forget when he first met me , he was walking super fast to his building with me beside him & my short fat ass legs almost broke trying to keep up, now a days I would've seen the signs of him being not shit. Back then I didn't realize though, when I explain him to people they ask how I managed to keep fucking with him for 3 years.. because .. HE WAS A FRAUD. He'd act like a complete shit head on social media and in person he was the type of nigga to kiss your forehead, rub your stomach, & lay and watch movies with you. I was roped in and made constant excuses for why he never paid my cab or even bought me food. It makes me laugh because the belle now wouldn't ever stand for that shit. What I realized though, that's not okay.. if you go see a man any time of night , any kind of weather and he don't ever offer to make sure you get there safe or home safe, he's really an aint shit nigga. I found my self saying shit like " well it doesn't matter I have my own money, I wasn't even hungry " but that's not the point. It's the mother fucking principle. Niggas like this don't care about you and the more you accept it the more they think that's okay!

For 3 years I'd pay my own cabs, buy him food, and get mediocre dick.. all because his vibe was dope. Like a dumb bitch. I knew I had to get it together the last time I seen him, it was pouring raining in the summer I was with Cleo and another friend and I was so determined to see him even though there were nothing but deep ass puddles leading to bikini bottom blocking the Path to his building. Cleo shook her head as me and my nike flip flops made the journey. He never once told me not to come cause the weather was bad or he'd find a way .. he just let me come. I stepped in puddles , ran pass a skunk , all to see that nigga. Thinking about it later that night I laughed. Like yeah bitch you gotta figure some shit out because this isn't it !!! Just like that I was changed. I had a new sense of self worth, I was ready to be different. I was ready to make my standards as high as they needed to be. At least I thought so.

Luis
2016

I assumed upon learning self worth I wouldn't land into any situations revolving a man again but then came Lucifer and after came Luis. Both men making me look like complete dummies incapable of knowing how to love my self. When I think about it now I think 2016 was the year I searched for love in all the wrong places. I searched for love inside men, inside alcohol, inside drugs & here I was preaching to everyone else but I never searched for love inside my self.. I never searched for love from the person whom mattered most, me ! I mattered most !!! Luis hit me like a wave of emotion, the vibe was different. We were honest. I forced him into speaking about things I know he usually didn't tell people, I wanted to know everything about him. There was so much going on with him and I could feel it but I'd never ask up front. Instead I got pieces of him day by day, question by question. On certain days he'd be sweet and amazing and others, I'd literally cry because I was too emotional. I was tired of people having two faces. Ironically he was a Gemini. I am too, that's why I couldn't fathom the differences between us. Then I learned that he was me.. I think that's where the attachment came from. From me falling in love with the damaged part of my self. He was the part of me that bottled emotions and had a lot of shit going on that I didn't tell anyone. Eventually it was love. Or so we think.. he'd tell me he loved me and I'd constantly tell him the same but I think we loved each other differently. I think that's where signals crossed.

I was in love with him completely. He wasn't in love. He loved me because I loved him. That's two different types of love.. for a week he changed. He acted like he realized he was hurting me and he was being perfect, but I don't know how it ends, Again I put my self in a situation to break my own heart, so I really can't blame him..