Bits of Poetry

What Are Smiles?

A/N: This one is kinda long sorry

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A smile can hold a thousand words

But it can also hide a thousand problems

If you're seeing me smile right now

Sweetie, you better believe it's fake

I'm a fake, it's all a mask

Because the difference between you and I

Is that the nightmare ends for you when you wake up

The worst kind of pain is when you're smiling

Just to stop the tears from falling

Every time I say 'fine,' I want to say 'broken.'

I say I'm okay, but I never am.

Nothing bothers me on the outside

Because I'm all broken up on the inside

I try and act like I don't care

Because once upon a time I cared too much

And now, I'm a shattered mess

My mind is a mesh of broken down memories

And what I wish was truly real

Because in that world I'm the girl everyone loves

It's impossible to deal with me

It's impossible to love me

I wish I could disappear forever

If you asked me what okay was

I couldn't answer you truthfully, not anymore

Because I haven't felt alright for a really long time

Inside, I'm screaming for help

But I never ask it out loud

People keep trying to make me

The sweet, happy person I once I was

Little do they know, that she's dead

People think they know me, know who I am

They don't know how sick I am

They don't notice my pain, why would they?

There's a reason I'm such a good actress

Because I've been practicing since fourth grade

I've mastered the art of pretending to be tired

Rather than just admit that I'm sad

Because no one would understand why

I've gotten so good at caging my true self

I'm not entirely sure I can let her back out

My heart has shattered

It's pieces are puncturing my lungs and I can't breathe

Don't tell me I'm not alone

Because when I'm in my room at night

Choking on my sobs and searching for tears that just aren't coming

Who's the only one there? Who's the only one who understands?

Don't think you know the first thing about me, world

Can you hear the silence? Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken? Can you feel my heart?

Do you know what it's like to be tortured by your own mind?

Why is it so fucking hard to stay strong?

All I want to do is scream and hurt myself

But I keep it all inside because

Though my world is crashing down and my mind is sick

Though my heart and mind are so broken, I can feel it physically

I can't leave because I care too much

I know it would kill my family, my friends if I killed myself

So though I'm dying inside I've chosen to smile

So the people I love don't become depressed

I can hurt myself but I can't hurt them

I wish I didn't care about anything

If you look closely at me, you will see

That the girl I am was never me

Well, maybe, a long time ago, I was happy

But life's a bitch and loves screwing with people

My heart and soul are Aurora's castle

And they are guarded heavily by Maleficent's thorns

Waiting for a prince who will never come

I can't let people get close to me

Because when they turn on you

It wrenches you apart

Your life, your heart, your mind

They all become a mess of splinters and confusion

Every day it gets harder to pretend

I just want to stay in my room and never leave

Until it's time for me to leave this hell

I seem strong and solid, dependable as a rock

But little do they know that I am a glass ball

Shattered and splintered beyond repair

I think the hole in my heart is too big

I'm simply useless and wandering

I've come to the point where I'm standing on a line

Between giving up and seeing how much more I can take

You wouldn't be able to look at me and see the depression

It only comes out at night, when I'm alone

With my thoughts, always a dangerous thing

It's like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs

But no one hears, or maybe they just don't care

If you could read my mind you'd be in tears

I'm so lucky people can't hear what I'm thinking

My life is like a sunset, slowly fading

Behind every "complicated" girl or a girl scared of love

Is a girl tired of being broken, a girl longing to be fixed

I still wonder how someone can feel

So lonely while loving and being loved

I feel like no one will understand

How depressed I am until I kill myself

Her smile's bright, she's strong as nails

She seems okay, she's happy, right?

She laughs so hard at anything

She cries so hard but no one sees

So no one thinks she got this bad

I'm a simple person who hides

A thousand feelings behind the happiest smile

It's scary what a smile can hide