My Cousin in the Summer

Chapter 22

"Hi, I can't believe it's Thursday already."

"I know, me too. I haven't seen you since you were thirteen; two years ago!"

I returned a tightlipped smile back to my therapist, Dr. Quinn. She hadn't changed much, except she had a few extra creases around her eyes, and she seemed older. However, she was about to be thirty-five, so I guess dealing with her patients really takes a toll.

We were situated in a small cubicle room Grammy used for her 'alone time'. It was white, with a tiny table in the middle and two chairs, which Dr. Quinn and I both occupied. The door was sealed shut, so Jeffrey or Hunter wouldn't come in. Patrick was still feeling weak, so he mostly laid down much of the day.

"So, Leaha," Dr. Quinn started, her cheery tone taking on a more professional one. "Your Grandmother told me you had a panic attack the other night. Do you know what triggered it?"

I squirmed slightly in my seat. I did not want to think about Hunter right now. I had been avoiding him the past two days, embarrassed about meeting Dr. Quinn and of my past that could come up in a conversation.

"Uh, well... My cousin is here. I mean, he's not my actual cousin, it's like he's from my grandma's daughter-in-law's side of the family. We're not blood related. Anyway, I've started having feelings for him, and he's always had feelings for me, but I kept denying it up until this summer. I've just been so scared, because technically speaking, we're family, which means we shouldn't be together. But he's made me feel safe, protected, like nothing can go wrong.

"However, when I had the panic attack, I heard this... Voice. A voice was in my head, and it kept screaming at me. It kept saying I didn't deserve him, that everything was my fault, that I shouldn't be able to have him. It made me so terrified, and suddenly I felt so alone. I thought I was better, I thought the voice was gone for good until that night."

"Leaha," Dr. Quinn said. "Only you have control over yourself, no one else. I know you may not believe that, especially because of your-"

I cringed, digging my nail into my palm. Please don't say it, please no.

"-past suicide attempt. But if you want this voice to go away, you need to know that you can control it. You just have to get a good grip, and face that demon and make it go away. Not into the back of your mind, but out. Completely."

I inwardly shook, and glanced down at my hand to see I had made myself bleed. Oblivious, Dr. Quinn took a sheet of paper from her folder and began writing something down. I watched, and suddenly began feeling a foreboding sense of dread rise in my stomach. I had fought to keep it down before I had met Dr. Quinn again, but here it was, and it was making me nervous.

"Here," she said after a couple minutes. She handed me the paper scribbled with her writing. "These are some more coping techniques you can try. Also, and this is only a suggestion, you may only take this if you absolutely need it, this is a prescription for anti-anxiety pills. I advise you to try these coping techniques first, and to get more sleep, before going to get this medicine. If you continue to get panic or anxiety attacks and start to feel depressed, even after the meds, contact me and we can set up an appointment with Dr. Crookshaw. But, that's a big if, so I'm only warning you."

I nodded, taking the paper from her hands and giving it a once over. A few coping techniques were meditation, describing things around the room, and exercise.

"If you have to take the medication, and you don't feel comfortable taking pills, we can figure out some other way." Dr. Quinn said.

"Thank you," I tried smiling, but it felt fake, so I stopped. "I'll try these techniques definitely."