Matsuma's Diary

Chapter 2 (page 1)

"Talent"/ "What I'm Good At"

I was thinking about what my talent is. It's not drawing since I'm not particularly good at it since the beginning. Also not writing as you can read by now, there are some errors and mistakes and it still makes me an amateur. I don't have anything to show as my greatest asset and all the like. I'm not perfect at everything, nevertheless great at one. Coloring pictures? Amateur. Editing? Amateur. I'm an amateur to everything, I'm the imperfection to everything.

I'm good at not being perfect. I am the perfect imperfection.

That's what I think about myself.

I think back to what I'm good at. "Do I really have a talent?" I asked myself. Some were good without even trying, a gift from God, as they call it, a talent. But...do I really have one?

I'm also not that smart as there's somebody who beats me at it. She's the same as me, but she still came out as first. I, on the other hand, practically don't care about it, and still ranked 3rd. But that's not enough, is it?

I'm not good at academics. And that's what other people praise me for.

I'm not particularly good at sports either. I have poor coordination skills and have a weak body that sometimes, I don't think that I should do a lot at all.

I'm bad at socializing, interacting, and everything else that involves other people.

I'm bad at the computer too. I can't do anything right, I can't solve problems and all that...

And that's when I think again, "what am I good at?"

I thought of everything and finally an answer came.

"I'm good at pretending."

I may be bad at lying when it's played for laughs and fun but when the situation calls for a solid acting, I can take it!

Sometimes, I can actually show off my feelings and smiled like it was just a prank and other times, I can obviously act like I'm crying and childish even though I'm not.

I act accordingly to the situation. I can read the atmosphere quickly.

Sometimes, my emotions get in the way, particularly being sad, since even though I'm laughing, I can't hide the fact that my tears started to flow down from my eyes. So when that happens, I immediately stop what I'm doing and turn away from the person I'm facing. I don't want to be embarrassed. I don't want them to think that I'm weak.

I'm good at pretending to be mad at them, scolding for their behavior and when I got home from school, I'll cry and smash my ID by hitting it repeatedly on the wall in my bedroom, all while my other companions, who don't care about what I'm doing, are outside, minding their own businesses.

I can pretend that I'm strong and powerful, even though I can't even fight them fairly. They are obviously holding back since I'm a girl.

I can hang out with my friends, discussing different topics to different friends. Why? Because my friends aren't the same. Some hate writing, some like this particular Youtuber, some have the same mind as me, as a writer and understanding how dirty my mind is, and some are for punching bags (particularly boys).

I can hate myself, writing depressing lines and thoughts, and in the next second, I can face my friends with a pretend wide smile, acting like nothing is happening. They say that real smiles move the eye muscles. I say that's fairly true, and I can move them myself voluntarily. That also makes it fake.

Even so, I continued this. I even forgot if this is my real personality or not. I can't be true to anyone but myself.

I just discovered my "talent", what I'n good at while thinking this through.

"I'm good at pretending." :)