Matsuma's Diary

Mistake

You know what? Screw it. This is what happens when I try to do something good for my never-ending enemy.

You know what? This is my point of view. When he says something like that, it looks like he's the victim.

Anyway, this happened:

My bestfriend, Ravinder, suddenly calls out Carlos out of the blue. I just minded my own business, not caring about their conversation.

I don't remember most of the conversation. Do you ever feel like if you play a role of something or someone else, you forget it afterwards? 'Cause that's what I'm always feeling. From one personality to the other, I keep forgetting what kind of personality I was before my "normal self." To be honest, sometimes, I forget what my "normal self" is. Anyway, yeah, back to the story.

It was something about us giving Carlos a chance, that's why he wanted to try and run for president. I butted in, saying, "if you run for the position of president, make sure you can act like one, that you can be responsible. Don't run for president if you know that you're not going to act like one."

He talked back, saying, "I know that I wouldn't act like one, that I'm not responsible."

"Then why did you run for president?" I solemnly answered. "There's a lot of people who voted for you. Prove to them that you're deserving for the position... Because you're not the only one who is hurting." I reminisced about the times the Vice President and Secretary are giving their best and the President just plainly don't care.

After that, he walked to the window and covered himself with the curtains. That time, he started to become serious. He didn't want to fight fists to fists or fists to face, he calmly and solemnly stated his point of view.

He was thinking that we don't think he's deserving. He told us to go to our adviser and ask her to remove him from the position of being a president and just replace him. We (haha, not really. Mostly Ravinder) tried to reason this out.

He talked to us with his expression being serious and sad at the same time. Ravinder keeps on commenting about this and I just ignore him. I listen to him, but am not facing him directly.

Ravinder keeps asking me if she's in a part where it will make it look like it's her fault. I keep telling her it's not. It's all my fault. If ever Carlos would try and tell our adviser about this and will bring me back in the Guidance Counselor with Ravinder, I will tell them that she's not a part of it, and I'm the one who's behind it all. At this point, if ever I go back there for the second time, I wouldn't mind it. I survived being sent there last year so why the hell am I going to die there the second time? I don't want to take this stupid argument any further. I don't want another useless piece of trash argument reach the faculty and eventually my grandmother! THEY'RE NOT FREAKING INVOLVED HERE SO SHUT THE HELL UP, WILL YOU?!

Ugh, whatever. Anyway, the plot of the story is:

I wanted to repay his encouraging words to me when we were grade 6 and now, when I was trying to indirectly encourage him, he took it the wrong way, and now I'm the one who's at fault.

Basically, it's a mistake. I shouldn't try to be good to someone who hates me and I hate so much... It's too hard for me to directly say what I want to say while I'm having doubts in my mind...